Everything flows so nicely. I love the end, too. Brilliant.

Oh, this is gorgeous. Achingly sad and bitter sweet. I loved the lines "And at that time of day when the sun isn’t a ball rolling down the street, she stood with her slick palms resting against the wood of your door." Great job.

haven't heard the song you ripped this off, but i dont really mind - i really like this, the level of description is lovely. nice work.