My brain's in no condition right now for 'serious' crit right now so I'll leave more comments about your writing in general right now and what requires functioning grey matter will come later. ;)

IIRC, you're the person on twilightsucks and Yahoo!questions saying people had remarked two of your stories were just like Twilight. I thought that was a complete load of 'since you're using vampires that makes it like Twilight' garbage then (if the summaries of your stories weren't enough proof, skimming the first chapter of each totally clinches it), and after starting to read your stories in earnest last night I'm even less in doubt that those who started screaming after reading your summaries are stupid gits, and anyone who actually took the time to read any of your stories who accused you of that is a kind of stupid that 'idiotic twit' is too weak to describe them. Not only are they stupid enough to think if there are vampires and romance (again, 'romance' applies only in the loosest, most technical sense to Twilight) it's copying Twilight, it's also 'no brainer' level obvious that your writing is better than Smeyer's. The easiest and best way to improve yours: the usual editing and revising. The easiest and best way to improve hers: scrap everything and just start over from the beginning. ;D

One thing that's struck me is you seem to tell readers in the end-of-chapter notes 'Yeah, sorry for the foreshadowing and cliffhangers and that he was a total jerk. I'll get to the point soon and he won't be a jerk so much in the next chapter'. First, you have nothing to apologize for, so don't. Foreshadowing and cliffhangers keep readers engaged and coming back for more. The only time you need to apologize is if the readers aren't anxious to know what happens next or if you're hinting at something with the events in a certain scene. Never, ever apologize for writing a story readers find engaging.

Second, don't tell readers John Doe's going to start showing a softer side soon. The specific note I'm thinking of is in the one where Casey's the slave of a vamp she eventually falls in love with. It diffuses tension and suspense if you reveal he's not really such an ass because that's a spoiler, like if you say in next week's episode of 24 the villain, who's been built up to look like a real badass who works for the Big Bad Cartel and his leading Jack into headquarters is looking like the villain is leading him into a deadly trip even though the Powers that Be back at base say to trust Mr. Villain, turns out to be Saturn, the informant who's been feeding Jack info on how to take down the Big Bad Carel. Let the readers find out at the same time the main character does. Let us wonder what, exactly, happens that Casey is going to fall in love with the guy. Don't tell us he's really just a big softy. Personally, I'm wondering what the deal is with the vamp who took her when she was young and the wondering is one of the things keeping me going and wanting to see what happens next. Don't spoil your readers! Giggle with glee when we beg for more ASAP because we're in agony with the waiting. ;)


Like I said at the start, once the dumb passes and I can brain again, I'll leave more constructive crit.

I like to read young authors on because they are actually pretty good and i thought you are a good author. I don't like to fo the basic rules of punctuation on the internet because really is there really a big deal.

Hi! Just dropped in to read...I really like this story so far, I like the flow of it and the pace - some people like to dive right into the action but I like how you've taken the time to develop the characters a little bit. Anyways, looking forward to the next chapter!

~ baraonda

so whats up with this character Lance?? and that orphange person mrs... umm ya her name ~.~ sorry bad with some names. but ya... lance seems kind of idk... i guess he reminds me of my friend will... ~.~ not being mean if he turns out to be like my friend then he has a cool personality but its probably a bit annoying in the long run to anyone around him... but ya anyway it seems like a cool story so far cant wait to see who is killing those ppl.

OH MY GOD...lance is the vampire! i hope he is not though...*psst... he sounds creepy* -crecent

this sounds good!! plz try and keep goinG!

can't wait for more

dont stop!!

OKay this is awkward...lol. i really like your story...bcuz..well i'm fascinated by vampires...i know i sound awkward...i juz do. lol. and i'll appreciate it alot of you update soon. thxz =]

This rocks! I can't wait untill the next chapter...
Haha... Love vampire stories

i know i have reviewed twice now but i just read the second chapter.

like i said you have great talent, but the vamp.thing had been over used. not to be negative or anythig nut you tend to aver anylize dthings taking the time to explaim a little to much. i should now i used to have the same prblem until finally people told me that my storys were more like plays,

but keep writting it was interesting

well i like it but the vampire thing is getting kinda old, but you are a talented writer

Oh, sounds interesting! I can't wait! It better be super hot! And I'm really liking Lily as the main character...I just think she's nice.Anyways, update soon!

Please update soon. its getting better! please update

WHAT!?! no more chapters...I...can't...breath, haha, just kidding. But seriously, i'm dieing to know what happens next, I want her to meet the vampire! I really like your story so far, and personally i thought your foreshadowing was very well done ^_^