|Reviews for Dark Urges|
| angie3838 12/8/05 . chapter 1
This would be a much better piece if you toned down your language.
For example, "Nay"? A good rule, given to me by the head of my English department, is this:
"Write like you speak. If you don't say it, don't write it."
This seems bogged down by description, so much so that at times it's really hard to tell what's going on. I've found that the best way to thin out your poems is to read them to someone. Don't tell them what it's about, but just read it. If they understand it, it's good. If they're confused by it, you need to lose some of the inflated language and make it more clear. After all (assuming most on fictionpress want to become writers), won't you be reading your poetry aloud to people you've never met?
"Dieing" should be "dying" as well.