I must say, I am enjoying this story a lot. I just stumbled upon it tonight, and I really, really like the interactions between Jadza and Khalon. They're so cute when they're mad at each other. :)

Aside from some easily corrected grammer and spelling, this story is looking fabulous and I can't wait for another chapter!

I have just read the first chapter and I am hooked already. I believe that you are a very talented writer from what I can tell so far. I plan on going on and reading the rest of the chapters after this but I just had to submit a review because I thought that this chapter was magnificently written.

Grr. Jarvis is a fool.

And an oily creepy one at that.

No crits for this chapter, apart from MAKE IT LONGER!!

But I know you know that, so meh.

Update soon! Me likie!

Nice argument - I have real trouble doing arguments because I can never bear to have my characters being mean to each other!! I can never think of insults either.

*Growls* Jarvis makes me angre. I don't like him.

Nice chapter. :D

"Jadza smoothed out the rough material of her skirt, she had been at the farm for over..." these two didn't seem connected... I'm not the best at grammar but I think that needs to be a semi-colon or a full-stop.

Oh, lovely torturedness. It's always good to have a bit of internal conflict in the main character. :D

"A bit for your thoughts?" I like that. ;D

The part where she walked out and ran away seemed very flat - devoid of emotion. It felt a bit surreal.

Ooh, interesting ending!

Hmm... Khalon sounds interesting...

My kinda interesting... :D

I'm being pernickety, but: "Slowly a short, slender young man entered" Why did he come in slowly?

Aww, cuteness! I would have no idea how to milk a cow either. :P

Nice chapter!

Okay, I'm here to read! *Grovels* I'm sorry it's taken me so long, I've been so busy this past year (AS-levels were kinda harder than I was expecting) and whenever I started reading I got interrupted and stuff, and ... *Sigh* I'm so sorry. You're so lovely in your reviews, and you've given me so many... anyway, I'm here now. :D

The first paragraph is lovely - beautiful. Wonderful description.

I like the description of her - that was nice. She sounds interesting already.

"She hated all this attention, she did not want to be princess, as the eldest she would have to become Queen on either her twentieth birthday or on the event of her father's death." This sentence was a little unclear.

"Reflected in that mirror was a young girl, pale and visibly shaken" I thought that she was deeply tanned? If so, I can't imagine her pale.

"a black mare and her darker baby" although I realise the use of 'baby' is probably to avoid repetitiveness of 'foal' in the paragraph, it still stands out as being a little awkward.

Nice opening chapter!! I'm intrigued. :D Keep writing!

Ick *twitches* got a bit racey there at the beginning.

Interesting switch of characters. It would be interesting to see Nerysa find out whether Jarvis is pure evil or not. So few people are, I'm glad you're exploring the possibility of your "bad guy" to have more depth. I'd definately like to see that carried through.

I hope you don't deviate too far from your original characters, however, as they were just beginning to understand eachother :P I'm guessing the threads will intertwine?

Would you be interested in exchanging reviews? I'd love feedback on my story "guardians," and it would be fun to follow this. thanks ;;

*sighs* oh dear, a fight.

"the releived nod that passed between father and daughter" - ah is there some clever person who's going to dethrone this usurper? *hopes*

Good chapter overall and nice developments betwixt Jadza and Khalon.

WOA! What a developement! *mental note: don't talk about your status in the middle of the marketplace if you're trying to hide it* I see we're going to be getting into the mouth of the monster soon...I hope Khalon sticks around, b/c he definately has his priorities straight.

haha. funny beginning. made me laugh.

"and was realy tall with legs that were way too long" - I get the drama and humor here, but technically speaking, you aren't supposed to do that (lol)

Now how exactly is Nirav going to be able to tell who's the princess and who isn't, i wonder?

I liked this chapter. Khalon is quite a nice addition to the cast ( XD )...I wonder how much a threat this evil Jarvis is going to become. We shall see.

Intriuging story here. I love how you started it out - the descriptives were lavish and really pulled me in.

"The people were celebrating the princess' eighteenth birthday, this was the night when the princess would make her choice of the many suitors that had come to the palace." the comma here should be a semicolon, otherwise it's a run-on. You have more than one of these so just watch out for them. If the first part of the sentance could stand on its own, you know you'll need a semicolon.

"And with all the alcohol flowing downstairs chances are that no one would defend themselves." should be "chances were" since you're in past tense - also "no one" is singular, so "no one would defend himself"

"the torture room known as The Ballroom" - lol. good one

"Excuse me, milord, I am in need of a drink." Jadza said quietly...this is another repeating error. It should be like this: "Excuse me, milord, I am in need of a drink[,]" Jadza said quietly.

Her father sounds like a sweet and likeable person. I'm glad he's not the cliche annoying old guy....NO! Dead?! Just when I decided I liked him! *sniffles*

*gasps* are they planning a forced marriage? The rats...

"The key was replaced to it's place of safety around her neck" - ITS place (it's is for "it is")

I thought this was a lovely start. I especially like your names - they're creative and exotic without being ridiculous. Let me know if I need to back off on the cc - I usually give criticism just as a reflex, but I try to concentrate on plot and characters. :)

O want to know whats going to happen with Jarvis and this mistress hope he gets what he deserves.

i like this story. Small noter at the geinning you said she'd been living on the farm fro 4 months but later said she had been lying tothem for 2. just a point. Look forwards to an update and don't complain about only getting one review on my last chapter i got 0 so at least one is something.

WAIT! WAIT! someone mark it on tha calendar! this gurl actually updated her story!! yep, there's a national holiday right there!

good job w/ tha chapter i think its really progressing well=) and i'm srry 4 what i said and how i acted, i actually cried about it, but yea. Keep a look out 4 a poem coming up on my so-far-nonexistant page. it's a poem dedicated 2 u about our friendship and what all happened 2day. feelings about it and stuff. but yea, alrighty then.

GREAT GREAT GREAT JOB! i really do like it and u better start updating. dont make me drive up there and kick u, cuz u kno i will. lol jk but not really (from dodgeball, tha best movie ever!=) ok ok ttyl and frickin im me back its driving me nutz

~Ellesmere~