OMG! this is reallyreallyreallyreallyreally AWESOME!
:D -Sim-

definetly post more of this!

it's *very* well written, and in present tense (yeah!)! a lot of times i can't make it through the whole first chapter of a story, (i have the attention span of a 5-year-old) but this one really caught my attention, and i honestly want to read more. vallerie has got real character even two chapters in, which i know is not easy to do. chapter 1 you wrote:"My world never used to be this dark. I never used to live in darkness."i thought this part was a little repetative. basically you are saying the exact same thing twice in a row, and it would be better if you just picked one and stayed with that.also, i thought the end of ch. 2 was a little awkward. i understand you're trying to kind of wrap things up in the end, but the last sentence doesn't seem to fit in with the rest. (just my opinion, i could be wrong.)anyway, definetly write/post more to this. it's one of the best i've read here in a long time, and i really want to see more!

A really excellent beginning! Your first-person narrative is believable and enjoyable. I like that your character reacts in an understandable way; she is scared, unsure, and a little panicked. Too often writers make the character perfectly confident, sure, and angry.

Here, you write weakness and fear. It's a very good way to start out, and the way you break the mold of FPC vampire stories is commendable. Looking forward to more!

The story sounds interesting, especailly since everything is happening as it's written. I was actually quite impressed that you managed to stick to present tense for the whole thing.

However, here are a few suggestions on things I noticed that could be altered in some way.

You wrote:"Curling up on the cold stone floor I simply let myself cry. Suddenly I notice a copper taste in my mouth."

There should be a comma after "floor" in the first sentence, and a comma after "suddenly" in the second sentence.

I didn't notice any other errors, but you did tend to use "seems", "slowly", and "simply" quite a lot in places that weren't necessary. For example, you wrote,"Finally losing my voice to simply a hoarse sounding whisper, I give up my frantic calls and simply let the tears stream down my cheeks.

I don't feel that you need the "simply" in either part of that sentence. So, if you took it out, it would look like this:"Finally losing my voice to a hoarse sounding whisper, I give up my frantic calls and let the tears stream down my cheeks."

Overall though, I would be willing to read the rest of this story.