|Reviews for Sun and Star|
| T. Com 3/29/06 . chapter 44
I don't see why you would have to up the rating for that. The language you used was pretty T-rated in my opinion. I'm glad to see that you're maintaining character contuinity(did I spell that right?). So few amatuer authors seem to on this site.
The cast of characters is a bit large because I totally forgot who Hakana is. It's always good to insert little reminders here and there of just who a person is and what their function is in the machine that is Ramirez's army.
Anyway, keep up the good work, and I'll drop reviews when I feel it is appropriate.
| T. Com 3/22/06 . chapter 42
A good chapter. I could do more with a depiction of the slave camp but the artillery-like barrages give an authentic feel to the scenes.
Keep it up.
| T. Com 3/12/06 . chapter 41
That plan sounds pretty dicey but very appropriate for the circumstances. Ramirez' dream sequences are a tad odd but it works for their prophetic vision.
| T. Com 3/2/06 . chapter 39
That was really good. Kamiko's death was a bit of a surprise but even that was done well. You are improving in your ability to illicit emotion from a reader and that's always a good thing.
Keep it up.
| T. Com 2/26/06 . chapter 38
Yup, that was exactly what I was talking about. Excellent!
Keep it up.
| T. Com 2/21/06 . chapter 36
And so the plot thickens.
One thing that tickled my butt hair was the line about the opposing army being "bored" with the suicidal charges. That language is so not military in nature.
Other than that the same as usual.
Keep 'em comin'.
| Biddle 2/21/06 . chapter 30
Long story... but that can only be good when it comes to this story! Its so interesting.. i like the technology in it.. it seems, old but new, advanced but primitive. Sometimes the characters react in unexpected ways, but I think its a good thing. No person actually would react the same way each time, and its suprising. I also like the character name Marinus... reminds me of my type of character names, ive used that name in a few stories. Good work mate.
| T. Com 2/20/06 . chapter 35
Another good one.
I only meant that the pace you're advancing the plot is a tad fast. You've thrown them squarely into the midst of a war and I've gotten little sense of any of their individual impressions about going to war and how it's affecting the group dynamic.
I suggest interspersing the war story with more interpersonal elements that don't involve sorcery or fighting.
That's what I think is needed but what the hell do I know.
| T. Com 2/18/06 . chapter 34
The quality is still very good but the speed at which the narrative progresses is a bit daunting. You don't seem to be leaving much time for further characterization. That can be tricky further down the road if you have your characters reacting to situations in unfamiliar ways.
Keep 'em coming.
| T. Com 2/14/06 . chapter 32
The bit about the dragon was vaguely confusing though. Is it alive or what?
Keep 'em coming.
| JaveHarron 2/6/06 . chapter 30
I see this story's taken a very interesting twist. I love the steampunk and ancient tech angle here. One question, though. Are the rifles repeaters, or rifled muskets?
| T. Com 2/5/06 . chapter 30
A solid chapter. I'm assuming that the "talent" Rami's talking about is sorcerous in nature? It's not quite clear.
Nothing specific to say about this chapter.
I'll be keeping an eye out for the next update.
| T. Com 1/31/06 . chapter 29
Not-so-faithful, huh? That hurts my delicate feelings. I've been incommunicado. Vacation's do that.
It's coming along nicely but I something puzzled me about this last chapter. How long from the time they founded the corporation to it being completed? It's really hard to tell how much time is passing since you never make any mention of it. And how long are they supposed to be there for?
The entire flow of the chapter seems a bit rushed despite it's length.
Well, that's it for this review.
Keep 'em comin'.
| kitedragon 1/25/06 . chapter 12
I think you need a different way to describe things. The way your explinations are made are so motonous that I'm usually capable of guessing how you'll describe something. Though it is important not to make changes too drastic, some might help in this case.
If a ship, whether of sea or air, were to be assualted as badly as you mentioned, then shouldn't it be sinking quickly? (Also, what is the Imperial Goldoba coated with, really?)
| kitedragon 1/24/06 . chapter 8
Verdana must be beastly to hold a two-handed sword in one hand and a high-recoil weapon in the other. And it would be faster to stand still and open fire... But I still don't understand the part about the fall of the city. (story-telling) Why would millions of soldiers charge to their own deaths in suicidal fashion if guns were truly that powerful?
The ending seems a little rushed. There were no peasants from the countryside carrying supplies to the cities, though "nobody" is allowed to enter. But if a city can support it's own food supply within the walls, then it must have underground labs. But why would they be attempting to kill the main characters at one moment, and in the next accepted with no visible resentment? I think the fae should be visibly angry for being slaughtered, even if they know that they can not win on the open field.
Another note is that the walls can withstand the Sorcerers. Then why did Ramirez destroy the gatehouse, the 2nd most important structure other then the keep, in a few short moments?