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| rebeldork 2005-12-30 ch 1,  | abuseWow, this looks like a great start. It's good a decent hook and starts off fast. Josh's character doesn't really seem 3-dimensional--he seems just like any other dorky, bullied kid. Maybe you could develop his character a little more and make him more unique? Flaen also seems just a tad cliche, but still a fascinating character to read about. You did good on the dialogue. It's believeable, and there aren't too many needless tags. I like the line "Snorting was obviously Flaen’s favoured response." It was exactly what I had been thinking, actually, and it lightens the mood a little. I also like the touches of humor here and there, which make the story less dark and serious. So I hope you keep going with this story. It's a wonderful first chapter! |