I like this:I decided to be the mature one and refused to dignify his question with a response. Instead I used sign language

But this is a tad awkward:(Did I mention that Napoleon Dynamite is like her favorite movie-Vote for Pedro).

Remember: if it doesn't add to the story in a significant way, don't bother putting it in. Less can be more.

I'm not sure what the MC means by this:“Aubrey, but you already knew that I’m sure” was my snarky reply

Unless it means that he must know who she is, because he obviously came in looking for them.

Now the questions, 'cause that's part of how I peer edit. Why the hostility? Is it just the history with the owner's girlfriend that makes them hostile to the newcomer? What is this exchange intended to accomplish? Should anything be added or trimmed?

My only criticism is that it seems like it's taking a lot of time to get to anything happening, what with all the explanation. Try to show more than tell. Of course with first-person narrative, this story is coming out more like it would if someone was telling it to you directly (and I happen to be one of those people who gives every tangental history before getting to the point, so I know how it is). It may be a difference of style. But it would be more effective if something happened right away, so people don't give up halfway through the build-up, so to speak.

Wow, this is really good so far, u HAVE to continue it! I love your writing style it sort of draws the reader in.Thanks for reviewing my poems.

I am intrigued. I like your prose very much and the voice is captivating. I plan on reading the rest of this later, but wanted to post this first to tell you I am reading it!

Also wanted to let you know that the pieces I have up at the moment are finished ones (written for my senior year college thesis) and I'm not planning on adding to them. But thank you for your comments; they are very helpful and I will keep them in mind when writing other stories!

Hi! Thank you so much for your review!! I appreciate your comment because it was so honest. I know lots of people didn't love my story, but they did like it. I think that they didn't love it because of the reason they liked it, if that makes sense. I think it's because simplicity isn't intense enough, and people like being moved by something. I'm glad you liked it. :)

Anyway, I'm rambling!! I really like the start of your story!! It's well written and I'm excited to read the rest. You should check out some of the poems I just posted, because I put a lot!

Very well written, dark88poet. I wish I can write as well as you do!

~~Becca

Yes, I am excited by this story too. It's the kind of narrative that is immediately engaging, and the kind of storyline [it seems] that has the potential to be both tragic and fascinating. I think you could develop this into something quite spectacular, given the time and energy. I hope to read more of you soon!

- gold against the soul

I'm really enjoying the story so far. I haven't had any time lately to work on my baby (novel) what with school and preparing for university. I'd say keep going cause I want to read more, I want to find out what happens!

jess xoxo

This story is quite interesting...a bit slow moving (because of the short chapters) but the format is different, which gives it a unique look, and you really have managed to present the characters and their attitudes quite well in the first 5 chapters. I really hope to read more of this.

Oh, and thank you very much for your review of my story!!

It is about time, liked the chapter but was a little short, I need more. FEED ME!

OMG, I love you so much right now, your story is so awesome, it is definiteky holding my attention. I hate you though because you have so much talent. lol just kidding. I love the fact that u keep the readers wanting more by stopping at the climax of the chapters. But I really want to read more, so keep writing girl. lol

u rock,

Dontae

Just when I was starting to sit back and relax, it ended. I am extremely impressed Danielle with your talent and your follow through. I hope that you continue to update this and see it through to the end. I think so far this story warrants that. I look forward to reading the next chapter.

aight, can I say that I so hate you right now, for writing, so good. I wish I were you!lol You write so well for someone of our age and to be honset I am greatly honored that you used my name in your story, although, you so didn't mean to at all. lol Yea I loved it, I want to keep reading, so please, keep writing. I am loving what this story is saying. Gosh you rock

By the way this is Dontae R. from myspace. I am one of your friends. Website: w.myspace.com/bmc08

really good,great descriptions. can't wait to read more.