First thing I noticed when I saw this was that each and every paragraph was long. I think this is an important difference between books on paper and stuff posted online. The internet is just so distracting a medium, that I'm not able to concentrate.

I think this was especially glaring when you had the lines "I will end this war for you" buried in the middle. It seems like an important quote, but it loses its poignancy when its so buried.

That said, the description you use is very beautiful. I really like the words you use, and the sentences. Very good descriptions.

“Girl Im gonna call them cops if ye don’t open this damn door riht now.”

I think the Im should be an I'm and cops sounds kind of out of place.

Also, you refer to her as girl at the befinning made me think six year old. You might want to look at those.

Anyways, excellent beginning and I'm looking forward to reading more.

Yay another chapter! This chap really drew me into the characters and their relationships with each other. I loved the way you capture the character of the inn and the type of the people who go to it. My main criticism is that I'd recommend having a friend who likes grammar go through this with you sometime to eliminate unnecessary technical errors that, unfortunately, can distract people from the great plot you have going.

You do a great job of revealing how conflicted Talven is feeling between his kindheartedness toward others and his own poverty, and throwing the wealthy Dakota into the picture makes the scene that much more interesting because he's so out of place. I also like your whole description of Aven while she is playing her lute, capturing her as something different from the typical 'lovely maiden' type, but still giving her this enchantingly beautiful quality. Overall, the whole scene is just very well crafted. Sure enough, you've brought Dakota and Aven into one place, and I like the way you did it! I'm curious to see how their fates will cross from here on, but I suppose I have to wait for more to find out ^_^ Hope you get a chance to write more soon!

First off, thanks for the reviews! They helped a lot - I'll try and be a bit more constructive this time around.

I liked the whole thing with seeing the same event two different ways. I'll be interested to see if you keep going with writing half the chapter about Aven and the other half about Dakota.

I'm really interested to see what Dakota is doing at the Stout Fidiler. I am also interested to see what sort of connection, if any, he has to Aven.

Theres only one thing that bugs me about this chapter. If Talven was unsure of Dakota's intentions with Aven, why did he let Dakota pay for her to stay in his room? Maybe I just read that part wrong though.

Other than that, I'm still liking it!

Harr.

Archdemon Lord Duffikus:

Main bone to pick with structure: unecessarily long paragraphs. For example, I can see where it can be broken into 2 or 3. Please. The main readers on this site are ADHD-affected teenagers who'd have had too much sugar. Makes it soo much more readable.

Plenty of missing commas and fullstops. Please. If you can make a demon lord's eyes bleed, you've got somthing going.

missing fullstop: "“I will end this war for you, I have to end this war for you” "

missing apostrophes. I'm not going bother pointing this out-look for those yourself.

I won't even start on spelling. "Nicked" "mercenary" just to name a few that were spelt wrong.

Try not so start two sentences with the same word unless there's some OBVIOUS reason or effect intended for some reason. I noticed that you've started whole strings of them with the same word such as "he", creating an extremely monotomous effect.

"Mary Sue" characters. Poor abused little girl. Runaway nobleman. You may want to look up the "Original fiction Mary Sue test" a VERY good idea of what sort of protagonists NOT to create if you want a balanced, non-cliched story.

Loophole. If Aven is truly as destitute as you say, being unable to pay the rent blah blah blah goint to get raped by nasty tax collectors blah blah blah, wouldn't she NOT happen to possess a lute?

Come on. Get real. A poor girl struggling to make ends meet in a medival world, has an expensive musical instrument (in that era, yes, instruments weren't as cheap as they are today.) More likely she'd have pawned or sold off such an instrument for things like food. Shelter. You can't make beautiful music when you're starving to death.

Ditto dropping ten feet. That is NOT a negligible amount. you may not break anything from such a drop, but it's possible to be stunned a second or so by the impact of landing. And if she's landing in mud bad enough to squelch in, why didn't she slip? Soft, clayey mud which squelches=slippery.

And why is the innkeeper saying "Cops"? "Cops" is a modern-day EARTH slang. You're writing a story in medival times, presuambly in other worlds. It's as out of place as Ancient Japanese Samurai singing "Happy birthday" in english. It doesn't fit at all."The watch" or "City guard" might have been more appropriate.

Just a few things to consider. There probably will be more if I wasn't so sleepy, but feh.

We demons aren't supposed to be nice, and anyways, I've been given specific instructions NOT to fawn over other people's works for no good reason. I'm here to point out errors and inconsistencies, that's my job. Not say "My god, you are so wonderful!"

See you some time later,

A very tired Devourer of Worlds.

i like the way this one is written, its really good.

Interesting start! I'm looking forward to figuring out who the first guy is once more is posted. I like Aden's badass rogue act muahaha! A horse for a horse, naturally =P One part I was slightly confused by was the dream sequence; the man broke his mother's arm, but in the next scene his is breaking into the room. Of course, maybe the dream is meant to be out of order, but at that point I didn't realize I was reading a dream sequence, so I had to read the next paragraph a few times to realize that Aden was grown up now and that it had all been a dream. Anyhoo I hope you get a chance to update soon! -Kat

Good start. I'd like to see how the two parts of it connect. I mean, it's pretty obvious that the first bit was something more than just a dream. Get more up here soon!

The only thing I saw wrong was a few spelling mistakes, but I'm not one to talk...