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| Robin Siskin 2006-01-17 ch 1,   | It's too big of a coincidence to seem natural. I don't really like the story you've set up here. A poor tortured little girl, and her torturer feels sorry for her. How sad. It feels like it's been done a million times before, and unless you have more twists up your sleeve than "he's going to be her bodyguard," this isn't going to be very satisfactory. I also don't like her name. Aura Linden. It's not natural at all. Some parents name their kids stuff like that, but when you're writing, you have to cut back on that kind of thing. It just doesn't seem realistic at all, and it becomes harder for the reader to sympathize with anybody when they have a name that you would never see anybody named. I'd sympathize more with a character named Rebecca than with a character named Miyazuki, or something. |