   Lccorp2 2006-01-25 . chapter 1Harr.
Archdemon Lord Duffikus:
I don't have a problem with your plot yet, mortal. While I suppose I can start to see the beginnings of a well-trodden plot (what with a chosen one sent to study the arts of the mystical and all, AND a magic ring from his girlfriend who loves him madly) I'll let it pass. After all, it's only the first chapter and I'm sure he doesn't have to knowingly set out on a quest to save the world or somthing, hm? Surprise an old demon lord and make his day, won't you please? you could at least have poor old Morgan stumble into it. The greatest battle is within oneself, not without, but that's only a poor old demon's opinion.
Now that I've dealt with that...sentence structure can wait for another review, it's not that glaring. My main axe to grind with you is your grammar. Namely, periods, commas, and the lack of or interchanging of both. It GREATLY hinders the flow of your story, thank you very much, here are just a few of the many examples I've dredged up...
"He shuddered at that thought as he caught one of the gophers with his shovel. "Sorry little fellow but you can't live here." He picked up the poor animal and dropped him unceremoniously into the box he kept near, along with the other two gophers he had already caught."
"Shuddering at that thought as he caught one of the gophers with his shovel, Morgan scooped up the poor animal, unceremoniously dropping it into the box he kept nearby with the other two he'd already rounded up.
"Sorry little guy, but you can't live here.""
Changes made:-Sentence opener changed from misc. to verb (He to shuddering) for less monotony. The problem is that there's a low variety of sentence openers, which well, makes it dull and drab. Liven it up a little! At the end of this review, I just had a few Infernals put in the title of a very good piece you should read to improve your writing. Furthermore, it's free because it's on this site!
-Changed a few words which were repeated, like "caught". Thesaurus.com is your friend! Won't you hold its hand and do a happy little ditty amongst the flames of the Demonic Planes?
-Added a comma in Morgan's dialogue. Flows better, mm?
Next on the list...
"The band played loudly, a song that most of the people of Payta knew. Morgan had downed three glasses of ale, and those being his first ever, was of course slightly tipsy. With some urging from Michell, he had somehow been convinced that he should ask Cassandra for a dance. So Morgan walked over to where the group of males where, knowing that Cassandra would be in the center of the press, as always. He shouldered his way through the crowd, to the angry looks of the other boys. He stopped when he reached the center though. Cassandra looked radiant. Her pale blond hair shone in the moonlight, and her blue eyes sparkled when she noticed Morgan approach. Morgan himself was never a great looking guy. Standing only five feet four, with coarse black hair and dull brown eyes, he knew exactly where he stood. He was average."
"Inside Morgan's belly sat his first three glasses of ale, and as a result, was fairly tipsy. Taking advantage of this, Michell urged his inebriated friend to ask Cassandra for a dance along to the band's loud, familiar music.
Convinced of what he was about to do, Morgan stood up and barged through the other boys, knowing that their attention would be foistered upon the blonde whom loved him. Whilst he ignored the angry glances of his peers, young Morgan sought her out.
It wasn't long before all of his five-foot four frame was before hers, his hazel eyes gazing into her own blue eyes. Snapped out of his engrossment with Cassandra's head of alluring blonde hair and how it shimmered under the moonlight, he bent close to receive her as she ran into his arms, smelling the fresh scent of her hair, feeling her tender, nubile skin beneath his fingers, warm and smooth...
When Morgan felt his heart skip a beat, he decided it was a good thing.
"Well, it took you long enough to get here, Morgan Mechin," Cassandra whispered. "Because you took so long in coming, I though you'd forgotten to ask me to dance."
Morgan didn't know why someone as dazzling as Cassandra would be attracted to a perfectly plain person like him. Maybe it was his coarse, dark hair...no. Given the circumstances, he didn't care anyway."
So, what did your old, happy demon lord change this time?
-Obviously, I'd put in a whole boatload of new, jolly sentence openers. Eyetk will explain it better than I can, so be sure to visit the guide I recommend later on!
-I broke up the paragraph into more managable chunks. The original was a tad unwieldy and big-not good, especially when you have plenty of ADHD-infested teenagers crawling this site, hm?
-I removed your "Info dump". While it may be just personal preferance, I find such things repulsive, preferring to slot descriptions and the such into the the story itself, little bits here and there. Let's recap:
"Her pale blond hair shone in the moonlight, and her blue eyes sparkled when she noticed Morgan approach. Morgan himself was never a great looking guy. Standing only five feet four, with coarse black hair and dull brown eyes, he knew exactly where he stood."
THIS is what my Creator calls an "Info dump". Regrettably, it's essential sometimes, and he's cofessed to using it sometimes in his early writings and even now where there is no choice but to do so, but my Creator always tries to avoid such things if possible.
-Even in your info dump, you're only doing sight. That's BAD. Bad bad bad bad bad! Besaides what your POV character sees, tell me: what do they hear? What do they smell? What do they taste? What do they feel? What is in their HEART, be the aforementioned heart noble and pure or completely corrupted and evil (Not that my Creator recommends that, he stands by the Star Wars adage: "No matter now evil a person, there is always a shred of goodness.") Use all of these six "senses" to create rich, drawing descriptions!
-Fixed a whole bunch or grammatical problems, as well as clanked together some more happy fun joy terms from thesaurus.com. THESAURUS.COM IS YOUR FRIEND. USE IT. Better if you have a dead-tree version.
-Hm. Come to think of it, this comes to one last point I want to bring up. Try not to make your characters two-dimensional and flat. Morgan for example. Give him problems. He's not perfect-no one is. You've read Pathways of Darkness. L'zul might seem to be your average hero, but he's not. He has issues. He has a past. He fights not his own dark urges, but those of the wolf inside him. Similarly, take a look at Garradan. Initially, he might appear to be a drunkard, man-** and other things, but...oh, never mind. Extend this to your villians too. WHY exactly does this Dark Lord want Morgan disposed of? WHAT is his motivation? WHY does he do what he does? Remember, no one is wholly good or evil. Try to make your villians a little more intelligent, too-here's a list you might want to help yourself to:
http://w.geocities.com/ibcpete/eviloverlord.htm
Read this, and try and at least apply SOME of them to your atagonists. It helps.
Oh sod. Customer Service is on the phone, and those tech support guys for the Boiling Pits have had me held up for the last three Rounds...I'll be back another time when all these Tortured Souls aren't demanding to know why the temperature's dropping. Mm'kay? I have my rounds to do, and so many reviews, so little time...
Check out Eyetk's "Wirting with diversity". Very good piece.
Love,
Duffikus, Devourer of Worlds. |
FictionPress.com - let the words flow