Reviews for A Soldier's Honor

Reviews For: A Soldier's Honor - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Laeden 2006-09-23 ch 5,	abuseFirstly, I'd like to thank you for your review. To be honest, I have been kind of in a similiar situation; I was engaged. Spelling without spell check is a major weakness too. In any case, it's supposed to sound slightly unrealistic, because the character isn't all there. He's isolated from the world and although I haven't figured out an ending, I've considered the fact that Leigh wouldn't ever exist, and I have set up the circumstances if you want to call them that. But sometimes you just need to write without a base or storyline just to improve. Also, I started that probably about six-months ago and six months of writing everyday really helps you improve. I'm actually in Germany (Munich) right now for a year on a scholarship I recieved. So it's a very inspirational and prolific time for me and my writing. Anyway, on to the review. You have a lot of good lines and a clear definition of what's going on. However, you have a common problem of wanting to get too fancy and just ending up becoming wordy. For example. You have a lot of adverbs."The man had ben sobbing, quietly." Try something like "The man whimpered," or to go futher, "rebelous tears fell from the man's eyes as he whimpered." Sobbing in my mind says full-fledged crying. Using a variety of verbs will say much more than any amount of adverbs. "She went to the counter quickly." "She strode to the counter." "She swifted to the counter." Or if you want to say slowly or lazily. "She went to the counter slowly/lazily." "She dragged herself to the counter." "She inched to the counter." If you want to say: "She broke in the building slyly." "She slid into the building." "She snuck into the building." "She crept into the building." A verb will say a million adverbs and add a huge effect to your writing. "the Allies pushed fervently," Firstly, I don't like the word "fevently" here. Fervently is like full of emotion. In my opinion the war wasn't personal to an army, maybe an individual, but not the entire allied force. That's just my contemptuous view. You could say that "the Allies raged forward," or something like that. Like I said, these are only suggestions. However, I appreciate the review and as you said, no hard feelings it's just to help each other out. I'd rather read a negative review when someone picks apart my writing and tells me what's wrong with it then someone saying "wow, great job it was awesome get it published," because that isn't even worth the time reading it. Thanks again. Also, if you want some pictures and stuff of Germany (you said you were a WWII fan) then you can e-mail me at my e-mail I have on my profile. I'll give you a link to the pictures I've taken. (Although I haven't been to Berlin yet, but Munich is good too). It'll give you an idea of what Germany looks like from an amatuers lens and a normal person's perspective. Maybe inspire you a little. Who knows.
Kenny's Friend 2006-04-28 ch 8,	abuseDude, I am SO sorry it took me forever to check in on this story. This chapter took my breath away - it was simply AWESOME. Great detail, good character management, I liked the smooth progression, and I could almost feel the soldiers' relief at being reinforced. Dude, this story rocks. Keep writing!
iknowthethirdthingaboutpoet... 2006-04-17 ch 2,	abuseIn response: Glad you're so perceptive.
Redeemed 2006-04-17 ch 7,	abuseHaha, whoops. There I go butchering a classic again with my ignorant American phonetics. Thanks for pointing that out.
iknowthethirdthingaboutpoet... 2006-04-16 ch 1,	abuseoff-topic In your profile, you say that one of your favorite authors is Alexander Dumass. That's really cute. :] It made me laugh for six seconds anyway.
Kenny's Friend 2006-03-22 ch 7,	abuseAhh! Almost home! This story gets better and better with each chapter, and I am once again forcibly reminded of "Saving Private Ryan". Can't wait to see the ending! Keep writing.
Kenny's Friend 2006-03-15 ch 6,	abuseGood progress in the story. Believable as always, and just as gripping. Sorry it took me so long to review; this was great - as always. Keep writing.
Redeemed 2006-02-14 ch 5,	abuseIncredible! Thanks a ton, bro, I love the thoroughness of that review. All great, valid points. Some of those things I did intentionally, because obviously the author has a different perspective, but I appreciate feedback from the reader. The note about the metric system was a great help--I can't believe I overlooked something that obvious. Thanks for taking the time to give such a solid review. Good luck with your schooling, your girlfriend, and all that other stuff. Cheers. :p
Mechwarrior5 2006-02-14 ch 2,	abuseHey, sorry it took me so long to review again, but I’ve got other reviewing duties as well as classes, my own writing, and a fiancé to pay attention to, so I haven’t had that much time to do this kinda stuff. Anyway, I liked the chapter and you portray the panic and desperation of the scene well. Despite all of my editing points, it is a good chapter and you are a good writer. I’m quite nit-picky with my reviews, and I try to include everything I can in them, so don’t be discouraged by the length of the review. With that, let us get into the meat of it. “…and Polish soldiers had littered the hillsides.” I don’t think you need “had” in there. “And while those men were stepping through the archway of heaven, he was about to step through the doorway to hell.” That’s just a good line, I don’t care who you are. =) “…back property of the villa.” I don’t know what you could do to correct it, but “back property” doesn’t sound right to me. Perhaps “rear garden” or some other synonym would work better? “…Berlitz and Hilden set their target for a large ditch ten meters ahead.” “set their target” doesn’t sound right to me. Perhaps you could switch around the word order and say ”Berlitz and Hilden set a large ditch ten meters ahead as their destination.” “Whining and hissing pelts of air sent them into a floundering dash for safety.” “floundering dash” is a really good descriptive term. I like it. The first part of the sentence, though, is kind of confusing. “Pelts of air” doesn’t make much sense to me. Please consider revising. “Adrenaline became his morphine.” Great line! “Looking up three feet, Berlitz almost swore that he could see…” I understand what you mean, but by “looking up three feet,” but the phrase could be misconstrued as up the trench or up in the air, or something else. I would suggest revising it like so. “Sprawled on his back, Berlitz almost swore that he could see the fiery flicks of bullets cutting over top the trench three feet above him.” “It was now that they had to…” You can take out the “it was now” part. It’s extraneous. “crawling on his hands…” why not “on all fours”? “It weighed him down like a concrete slab!” Most of the time you should refrain from putting exclaimation marks anywhere but in dialogue. It’s just the way that most fiction is formatted, and for some reason (to me at least) it seems that by placing them in other parts of the story, it makes the narrative seem immature. “and if the other soldiers were like the first…” why not “Americans” or “Amerikaners” instead of “other soldiers?” “Between heavy breaths, the other soldier said, ‘Berlitz, I can’t…’ He probed his wounded shoulder, which bled profusely from the exertion of crawling.” The order of this sentence kind of needs to be rearranged. I suggest. “’Berlitz, I can’t,’ the other soldier gasped between heavy breaths. He probed his wounded shoulder which was bleeding profusely.” I can’t really explain it, but that sounds more fluid to me. …”buried beneath the scars and grimness of the war.” You don’t need “the.” “Not having gone forty feet…” From the perspective of a German soldier, shouldn’t that be meters, since they use the metric system? I also want to point out something about your word choice. You use “said” quite often to delineate speech, which by itself isn’t a bad thing, but when you use it so much, it becomes repetitive. Perhaps you could use synonyms like “gasped,” “shouted,” or “grunted,” to convey the same message, but enhance the connotation of the words. “Hilden is hurt.” “wounded” sounds a lot more soldierly, don’t you think? The ending line is good. It’s so good, that it’s too good for a Leutnant in a spur of the moment statement. It sounds like something a General would say in a public speech to inspire his troops. Perhaps you could simplify it somewhat to say the same thing, but in a bit plainer language. In the end, it’s your decision. It’s still a good ending line for the chapter if you leave it the way it is.
Kenny's Friend 2006-02-11 ch 5,	abuseThis was amazing - you have a great way of making the reader feel as though he or she is really there, watching the events unfold. I really like how you show the characters through dramatization rather than just flat out explaining it, and you identify your people very well. Keep writing!
Kenny's Friend 2006-02-01 ch 4,	abuseOnce again, another great chapter, advancing the story gloriously onward. I like how you portray the Germans for what they are - men with dreams, passions, ambitions, friends - just like us. In the movies they paint the Germans (or whatver nationality chosen to be the enemy) as fools, bloodthirsty and ruthless. This is very realistic - I know I've said that already, but it's the truth. Keep writing, my friend.
Redeemed 2006-01-30 ch 1,	abuseThank you all for the great reviews. The best way for me to improve my writing is to have direct feedback from some readers. As for the character development, I wrote this story partially as an experiment for a new style. I was hoping to just start out in the blazing heat of things, and gradually describe and unravel the characters as time went on. I was afraid of any needless description slowing down the story and ruining the intensity. But I'll take all of your considerations to heart. Thanks again.
Kenny's Friend 2006-01-30 ch 3,	abuseOh, the suspense is building. Love the way this story reminds me of Saving Private Ryan. It's incredible really, and I can see it playing out before me like a movie. Very good, and keep writing!
cetus 2006-01-30 ch 1,	abuseYour knowledge of the period & language makes it credible. But I need to care more about the characters and have a better idea who each of them is (you introduce quite a few very quickly) Give them some backstory early on, i.e. give me some reason to relate o / love / hate them. The break-neck pace of your action is great. Very promising talent.
Kenny's Friend 2006-01-28 ch 2,	abuseLet me start by saying this: amazing. Seriously, you have the most talent of anyone that I have read on this site so far. I'm not sure whether it was your graphic detail, your dialogue, or the suspense you all roll up into one awesome fiction. This was really, really good. Your use of the German language was appropriate and put in at just the right places to be realistic, although I'm sure it's safe to assume that the soldiers are always speaking in German. Your characters are realistic, the weaponry and historical information are accurate, and this is a very well-rounded fiction. Keep writing, my friend!

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