Very nice. I wonder what's going to happen to Len and his sister now. Keep it up XD

Wow, this is intense. I like the atmosphere of this story, even though it's so brief. There's enough to get me hooked. Nice work :)

Interesting first chappie. ^_^ Your descriptions were vivid, though for some reason I didn't really feel an "oomph" when I read it. But maybe it's just me. ^_^

You have a few grammatical errors, but nothing really major. I can't judge this story as of yet, since this is only the beginning. So... keep it up! ^_^

pps: Mind taking a look at my story "Lunar Chaos"? It's not a demand or anything... it's just a small request (which you don't even have to do) from a girl who wants to desperately improve her writing. But seriously, if you don't have time or if you don't want to, it's fine with me. But if you can, I'd SUPER appreciate it. Thankies! ^_^

~Eyes of Amethyst

I like the way you describe things, but you seem to use He too much at the beginning of your sentences. Try to think of other words like It, Although, They, Those...So many others. Um...I hope I was helpful and I do really like this. ^_^