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| Sundown 2006-01-29 ch 1,  | abusereally really interesting. I love all the intertwining pieces of information that are delivered eventually up until the perfect ending. Well written...great read. thanks! |
| Patrick R 2006-01-28 ch 1, | abuseFirst off, I'd just like to applaud your very creative idea. Just from reading the description I knew it would be a very enjoyable read. The only flaws I can see are grammatical, and are few. For instance, whenever a character is addressing another character, a comma goes before their name. I've noticed you using this rule on and off, so I think you may know it but just have a couple of typos. :3 Present tense works well for this piece, though I was skeptical to begin with. The story unravels quickly and in a very fluid manner. It's clear from the beginning that James is a little out of whack, which is good, since that's the character he's meant to be, I'm sure. Two other things. While an ellipses adds dramatic effect, it should only be used rarely, as it is really just a punctuation used when quoting someone and leaving out some words. In other words, while it may seem fitting when you say it outloud, grammatically it's very incorrect. I like how the reader is kept in the dark as to what happened until the end, and the climax was very good and satisfying. Overall a very nice and creative piece with just a few grammatical flaws. |