Alright, hehehehehehecan I say it? Can I say it? The ending sucks! Sorry I have to say it but you just had to say "Goodbye, my love. Goodbye, Jesus." Now, that is so wrong. But with all the hidden meaning and stuff. It's not bad at all.

Keep up the good work my dear sister.

P.S. Expound/describe more

I have a feeling that this is a deeply personal piece, so please remember this during my critique. I do not mean to insult, or harm you, but, this could develop into something.

First of all, this is really short and to the point. You could quite easily lengthen it to make it more dramatic. All that we know is that there is a "him" that is not really a "man". There could be a deeper plot line, and let the person writing this spill out all that happened. I've found that when I pray, simply talking about it helps, and just writing it all down would make the narrator sound more dramatic, more emotionally involved. I can really see this as a dramatic monologue, something that can be performed on-stage that involves a lot of emotion in the part. So, what I would like for you to do is to deepen the plot line and make it so full of emotion that we cry. That would cut down on the "dragging" aspect that you mentioned at the end.

And this is just a personal note: I've found that the problem with live offerings is that the offerings crawl off the altar. If you need to talk, I'm always willing to listen. ^_^

~Shadow