FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Shyanne Kai 2006-08-06 ch 8,  | abuse"He let his words hung in mid-air" 'hung' - 'hang' 'rewind' - 'rewound'"Another drop fell on his hand. This time, it was rain" - I liked this transition. The end was really sad! People keep reading this over my shoulder and commenting on how good it is. And I agree. |
| Shyanne Kai 2006-08-06 ch 7, | abuse"yet I have only chose four out of them" - 'chose' - 'chosen' 'built' - 'build'"the coldness spreading to his skin and limbs" - maybe change to 'the cold spread to his skin and limbs' this is only an opinion though. Maybe you should keep it, or you will use the word 'cold' twice. Interesting. |
| Rayfield Noland 2006-02-18 ch 7, | abuseI've read your opening statement and i beg to differ; this chapter is excellent. I look forward toyour next chapter. |
| Shyanne Kai 2006-02-14 ch 6, | abusewow, definatly a different direction I thought this was going in, would never have imagined that to happen. I liked how you introduced all of the different characters in this chapter. |
| Shyanne Kai 2006-02-14 ch 3, | abuseI would change the noun 'tummy' to 'stomach' it sounds more medical, and in the context more gruesome. This chapter got me to wonder; will he use his powers for good or for evil? |
| Shyanne Kai 2006-02-14 ch 2, | abuseIf he is in hospital, and wanted to know the date, I think rather than asking what he wanted to know it for, they would be worried, he could have concussion/amnesia etc. Especially since he was in a coma, you would expect them to want to know the date. Also, try to write numbers in letter format. lol, went back to bed SENSING trouble, he can see/feel trouble! Inerested to see how this ends up. |
| Shyanne Kai 2006-02-14 ch 1, | abuseThat is a really capturing first sentence."One moment, he was this poor beggar, and the other moment, he was this cool dictator" take out the commas after 'moment' "But dreaming to the point that you have had a sex change? That’s one thing." wrong phrase - change 'one thing' to 'another thing' I think thte problem with this, it is good, don't get me wrong, but it seems too anecdotal, and talkative, i.e. 'when this bus,' try experimenting with other narratives, it doesn't quite fit with the story. I may be wrong, and it may be perfect for it later on, just a thought. |
| Rayfield Noland 2006-02-12 ch 5, | abuseI'm not sure if i mentioned it before, but your story is good. I look forward to your nrext chapter. |
| Rayfield Noland 2006-02-11 ch 1, | abuseI believe this story is going to be really good when it's done. I look forward to your next chapter. |