I really like this story so far-there are good descriptions, and it does get a bit hazy in the middle of the chapter, but it makes it feel more characterized, the words, to the character, as in he's a pretty hazy situation. good job so far! I wanna read more!

Whoof. This is some read. You know, this kind of story could rank with Number the Stars easily.

Anyways. The emotions are perfectly described, crisp and .. tangible. His thoughts about Hannah are really heart breaking.

Maybe you could include a translation of the German? For those of us who don't speak :)

It's a good plot point that David doesn't know what the camps mean. I hope nothing horrible happens to Hannah..

Just one comment about some of Davids thoughts. Occasionally it's too American, with its slang and stuff. For example, "I guess I'm in bad shape," "They shot me and beat me up," "these guys," "oh, crap" - there are a few more examples but you probably understand my point now. Perhaps you could change that so it's more authentic?

Anyways, good chapter!

oh depish stuff! Saying hello to that Shalom dude would be ridiculous...in hebrew "shalom, shalom!" And he'd be all "Shmi shalom...Shalom!!" ...yeah.

but anyway- good start. did you write that poem? the poem was outstanding.

Wow. Your writing here was amazing; I love the relationship between David and his sister, the proctectivness that he feels for her. Your writing and your descriptions were really good and I really enjoyed this.

Hey. just wanted to say that this version is better. And I searched for the Judenrat and hey I kind of forgot it, sorry, but you're right. people like Shalom existed. hope you'll update soon.

You have a way with words like other authors. "Great job, keep it up!" I liked what you've done so far, and would like to read the rest. I don't see why you should change what you've alreay written.

So sad! One thing I must compliment you on is your creation of emotions. Very good work on that.

The things that bothered me (inevitable, as you know):

""Look at me now--I'm in Heaven." Those were his words, and he intended to make them come true." I would just make it "Those were the words he intended to bring into reality" or something.

Okay, now we have the explanation of why Hannah knew it. THat's fine.

Who is OFer? You introduce him by his appearance, but other than that, it's a random person. Is he an old friend, a family member...

I didn't exactly think it was realistic for David to confront Shalom like that. Why would Shalom entertain his ranting for so long, why would the Nazis not make short work of David in the first place? And why would David want to jeapordize himself when his sister is counting on him? So far it does not seem that he is someone to let his emotions rule him - showed by the way his first reaction to Dassah's death was to ask how she died...and so it seems farfetched to me that he would suddenly forget himself in anger.

I'm really really sorry about all this CC. WEll, superficially sorry - I hope I'm giving you input on a story that hopefully turn out to be inspiring and amazing. So good job, and keep writing! :)

Hey, interesting start. the first chapter was strong, the second chap was a bit irritating, so I have some questions :-)When you use the word 'Mischlinge' do you mean the singular or plural form, it's just confusing me, cause one person would be a 'Mischling' and more 'Mischlinge' and I've never heard the name Ofer before. hm I don' understand where they are staying, at the station, waiting for the train? by the way, I guess the trains were special ones, just for the Jews, they had to stand so close that there wasn't a chance to sit down. Oh and I think David would have never talked to Shalom the way he did, even if he's a traitor. He wouldn't have had a chance to insult Shalom, cause the Nazi's would have made short work of him. I'll mail you as soon as possible. I promise. I have more to say to your story, by the way did I mention that it's very well written, but you choose a story with a very difficult theme. I'm waiting for the update. ^-^

I'm so glad you asked me to read this. I feel like this will be a very powerful story. Kudos for tackling a very difficult subject matter.

"Where the dead are treated/No better than shoe stands" - You just finished telling us how death was preferable to the ghetto. While it doesn't exactly contradict that - I know what you're trying to say - it kind of takes away from the single-minded message of the poem.

"Where children grown down instead of up/Until they grow down to dead" - I don't think this is as powerful.

"Thousands of people crowded around a worn and beaten gate, one looking none-too-friendly." One what?

How would Hannah know that Dassah died? It wasn't explained, and it seems a little far-fetched that a little girl would have this news. Actually, I didn't feel all that sad about Dassah. Just because we didn't get to know her that well.

The section beginning with "And now…she had avoided the ghettos, lived in the ghettos, and died in the ghettos. Right before she had a chance of free life again." - I didn't really get the avoided, lived, and died part.

Anyways, sorry for all the CC. But I honestly feel like this is worth it! Already I feel like this is going to be a heartbreaking story. I'm thinking about the trains that led to Auschwitz, and they told the Jews it was "heaven" - it's so so sad. Have you been to the Holocaust museum in Washington D.C.? Just wondering.

Update soon, please!