|Reviews for Awakening|
| the Stranger in the moonlight 10/4/06 . chapter 1
Incredible. The last stanza rang with amazing closure.
"Let the dawn come
With the sky a red
Let this be a dream within a dream
To wake up to a new morn"
Inspirataional, fascinating. Beautiful.
the Stranger in the moonlight
| Amalia Jagd 7/4/06 . chapter 1
very well written. you put the feeling in it. i like that.
| chaos called creation 3/19/06 . chapter 1
Wonderful flow. Your style reminds me of Perilous Dreams.
| Mettermi A Dormire 3/3/06 . chapter 1
I love it! I absolutely love it!
| WinterDeity 2/17/06 . chapter 1
I enjoyed reading this because it's pace was dead on and the message is one I like. You have a way with words. Keep at it!
| midnight skies are scarlet red 2/16/06 . chapter 1
I wrote something like that once...than threw it away...you worded it so much better than I did. good job
| wildwolffree17 2/15/06 . chapter 1
Thank you for the review. None of them were connected, however. Each stood on it's own.
| Mrstress 2/11/06 . chapter 1
It's got a good rhythm, but you need to spell check. Abyss is not spelled "obis". Also, not all poems need to rhyme to sound great, and I think this is one of them :) Keep it up!
| Immortal Nyght 2/11/06 . chapter 1
You rated one of my piece and now I'm returning the favor. This was really a great read, and while that is usually what one feels after finishing a novel, I got it from this. Its written so that a lot of emotions could be pulled from the imagery, and those emotions drawn out are an awakening inside the reader more than the dawn mentioned is the awakening of the sun. Beautiful imagery. I'm in one of those touchy feeley moods as is, but it really stirred a lot in me. Also, a lot of the emotion is enhanced by the way you have a much looser rhyming pattern. At first I felt it desperately needed to be corrected, just becuase it seemed to change format in mid-poem, but the way you have some things rhyme and others sit in and of themselves is great, because what rhymes is connected powerfully to other whying points, like "tears" and "fears" which is a magnificent ending, but other things stand more in and of themself, but blend into the fabric of the overall poem, continuing the streaming flow of emotion rather than forcing a point of ending before the conclusion is intended. One thing I would like to mention is, that I thing you may need to edit it more. "In these bleak tides that settle/At the bottom of this obis" threw me off. I researched the word "obis" and found some definitions that didn't make as much sense as the possibility of the word "abyss" being intended. And I'll admit, if you did use "obis" it may be that I need to research more f African and Japanese cultures to understand what is potentially an overwhelmingly powerful ending to a stanza, but this is just something that stuck out to me. I can't be picky about typoes when I have a poem posted with the word "bust" instead of "but", though the sight ridicules typoes as sloppy errors and laziness. Overall, great piece! Like I said, it moved me. "Awakened" more of the emotions inside of me. And many of those emotions are in relation to fears and tears, but also to beauty of the starry night and ruddy dawn, and when the contrast of these hit me at the ending, I am left very satisfied with your poem and ready to turn with its message toward myself, now having been awakened. Great job!
| Mizu Miyamoto 2/11/06 . chapter 1
nice and mysterious! I like it!
| iknowthethirdthingaboutpoetry 2/11/06 . chapter 1
I'm glad that you didn't force your rhymes in this one and ended up with meaningless half-finished sentences. However, there are still a few things:
1) Grace/trace (/place/face) and fears/tears (/years) etc. etc. are cheap rhymes and are not too highly recommended if you want to write impressive and memorable poems.
2) "At the bottom of this obis"
At first I didn't think "obis" was a real word, but I looked it up just to be sure, and it turned out that "obis" IS a word. However, my dictionary defines "obis" as "kimono sash" or "religion" and doesn't quite fit the context. Besides, I really think what you meant is "abyss," and if so, there's another problem: "abyss" means "a bottomless pit," so-call me too literal and unimaginative-"the bottom of a bottomless pit" doesn't really make any sense... intellectually.
3) Your sentences are still vague, as is your poem as a whole. Again, this is probably because you tread upon cliched themes. You might come up with something less vague if you're, well, more specific.
I don't usually go around promoting another author's pen name, but do check out theredredkrovvy's later works. Her poems are simple, not pretentious, and work well even though they don't rhyme. (I especially like "Where Is The Pacific Ocean?" and "damn.")
4) On the bright side, your poems really aren't among the worst I have found around. I'm glad that you don't write those irritating angsty/depressing/suicidal poems and your format is, well, normal.
Good luck. :D
| notated descant 2/11/06 . chapter 1
this poems makes the darker side of you feel so warm and calming... as if even the unknown helps you pull through. Good job!
| Dragonzz 2/11/06 . chapter 1
Wow. I like the last two lines. Really great way to wrap it up! Thanks for the review
| The Postscript 2/11/06 . chapter 1
Beautiful...a certian peace yet hesitance in your writing. Wonderful work. Keep writing.