Oh...how very exciting. How very VERY exciting. Woot! Update, update! ^__^

You sure know your stuff, something many an author doesn't. Great work! Keep it up! ^_^

Be wary of dangling modifiers. E.g.: "Looking on from the outside, mankind seemed busily occupied with themselves..." ((Who is looking on from the outside? Mankind? The two mysterious people?))

Anyway, smashing beginning, mhmm! Yey! ^_^

This was absolutely amazing! The only thing I see gramatically is is your quotations. Here's an example:"No one coulda survived that." he said.You used a period. It should be, "No one coulda survived that," he said.That's just a small thing you might want to consider. Other than that, it's a wonderful story so far. You've got a great plot, great set-up. You slid into it easily, weren't too descriptive but were descriptive enough and weren't too choppy. That's very talented in a writer, especially of fanfiction. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading more soon!:D

Very good! I like your writing style; it's really descriptive. Can't wait to read the next chapter! :)

~Ivy

Nice beginning. I'm interested to know more about Jared and about what he's getting into.