FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| insertterriblypoeticlineher... 2006-02-14 ch 1,  | abuseI think I know what this poem means. To me, anyway, it sort of represents when you're too caught up in observation - something seems beautiful, and you forget for a moment that it (he/she) is living and breathing and feeling. Sometimes you just become too cold. I dunno, it seemed like that to me. O.K., grammatically, the first line threw me off. With the 'You were' and the 'now,' I kind of got confused by the change of tense. It took me a while to figure out what you were saying. I think you should change 'now' to 'in.' It would make it a lot more clear. Other things that sort of interrupted the flow were lines like 'how wrong you were i hated how cruel it made me;' - the lack of punctuation makes it all runny, and a little incoherent. Maybe '...you were - I hated...' would work better? Just a suggestion - I tend to overuse dashes anyway. Other than that, very nice. The message is communicated very well, and the last line really brings it home. |