demented, sad and wanting, beautiful. shows true talent

Holy ** crucified puppies, this really ** affected me! Desire, you have no idea how deeply this tore at me, how desperately it makes me yearn for you. Claim me, and I will claim you, and we will truly be each other's. But this is **...touching...and tearing...and **, its so moving. I love you, Desire. With all the love in my black heart, Your Immortal

Personally I prefer the first verse. The second verse doesn't fit as well next to it. However...that's the way things go sometimes...

I like it, so much substance and openess to ur words, well done, very powerful!

It sounds like an unfinished poem. You can easily continue on this, make a backstory and suck the reader in even more. Good start, though.