I FOUND YOU... well i couldnt find the review with the name on it, so it tooke me awhile. the story seems interesting, makes me want to read more.

I like the plot, but the content does need to be expanded upon. Add a little description, and maybe describe a few smaller events leading up to the main one in the chapter. Also, maybe explain/expand upon events that are happening, both to cut down on confusion and add imagery. You want the reader to be able to see everything in his/her mind as it is happening. Just a few suggestions, no big deal. The story has potential, I look forward to reading more.

One word: Nice ^_^

Keep writing!! =D

Jade

I'm really sorry that I had to re-do my entire story. I'll repost it as soon as possible, so don't lose faith and check back! Thanks!

Hun, you really need to expand on the second chapter. I can't really tell you where, but you do. I like the additions you made to the first, BTW.

I loved the way that you started out this chapter. "...where not only did the boy, Iliayne, fail to live up to his heritage, but indeed became an exemplary studen of God." I just love that line. I like his name, too.

I'm trying to figure out who (or moreso 'what') the very pale man is...is he a vampire? Of course, since it's in the middle of day, that might not work out. Or is he a necromancer? Iliayne's father? It's fun guessing, but I guess I won't know for sure until you write more. ;)

The only critique I have on this chapter is about how Iliayne instantly quelled when the mysterious man held a finger to his throat--I couldn't understand exactly why this move was so threatening. Was it because the man had very sharp, knife-like nails? (which, if that's true, would make me think 'vampire' even more). Or was it just because the man was able to put such an enormous amount of pressure on his windpipes? So you might want to add a little bit more description on that part. Besides that, everything made wonderful sense.

But of course, you had to leave it off at a cliffhanger. I hope you write another chapter soon, so that the mystery will be solved. Poor Iliayne...I wonder just what he was dragged into.

This is a nice start. You were able to make the reader (or, at least, me) wanting to learn more about both the past and what is to be in the future. I want to know more about this boy's past, and what really happened, and yet at the same time I can't wait to see what happens when he gets older. I wonder if he'll turn out to be evil in nature or good...if his father of the monk will influence him more. Or course, perhaps his father isn't a bad guy, and it's only the guard's view of him that he's 'evil.'

I found a couple mistakes, where you put periods at the end of speaking parts where a comma would be better. But other than that, everything was perfect. Well, I'm off to read the next chapter now. I'm so glad that you decided to continue writing this!

thnx for the review. i love your style of writing, but your story just isn't my type.~dropsofjewpiter~

Hey Aubrey- tis moi, hannah. i read, and loved, your story!! i agree, you mus have been up to late last night...

i figured i i'm going to read this, i might as well do it right, by george! so i took some notes :)

first and foremost- you keep changing tenses!! i would reccommend sticking to the past tense b/c i think it flows better and sounds less awakward...plus it's easier to write with...

in the first line when you say leashed, i thought you meant lashed and onl late did i relize, no he really was on a leash. however, leashed isn't a commonly used ord (in fact i'm not even sure it is a word) and i would suggest some clarification

later, when you say, "there was a fierce instant when..." and it flows poorly. again, this results from bizarre tense phrasng, etc, but i would reccomend shanging it to something like, "I a single, fierce instant, their eyes met." or whatever the rest of the sentence was. actually that sentence is a little too run on. i think it would sound better for the first sentece to end with, "...lock eyes." Start a new sentence with, "THe captian found himself wishing the boy would morph..."

in chapitre deux:

the sentence "How unheard of any invader was!" is awakward, what with the verb at the end of the sentence. "Invaders were simply unheard of" isn't the exact resolution, but something along those lines would flow better.

at one point, there was a random ... and i wasn't sure why.

when the albino has Iliayane and they run at the wall, i couldn't tell what actually happened. did they jmp over it, run through, dig under, fly, climb? also, when it says"...fearing the consequence more." i thought the "consequences more" was a little bizarre sounding. consequences more what? a little typo- it said "or pain" and i thought it was actually "of pain"- correct, or non?

the sentence that start with, "he sppressed..." might sound better if you break it up to be "...gust of air. When he dared..."

in the last pharagraph, this sentence needs work. "He felt the man in his mind, his intent, his malice, his power and losing consciousness Iliayne could not even begin to fathom how. " when you describe "his intent, his malice, his power" it is unclear whether you mean the man is in those things of Ilianyane's or those belong to the albino and Ilianyane felt them. i shall offer some revisions below:

"It was all so fast...He felt the man in his mind, and losing consciousness, Iliayne could not even begin to fathom how. "

It was all so fast...He felt the man in his mind, and the incredible scopre of his intent, his malice, his power. Losing consciousness, Iliayne could not even begin to fathom what was/had happening/ed."

just two possiblities...

well, that's all, folks! don't forget, i love it, but it's definately a first draft. none of these edits are based on content- only darnded things like grammer. make changes as you see fit, and let me know if you want an editing buddy for anything else!!

hannah banana

Hmm, nice story so far. There are some grammatical errors, but they don't really interfere much with the flow of the story (which is a good thing). I've always liked stories involving the clergy :)

oh, im interested! sounds cool. next chppy leave a note!

Nice story so far, the plot is interesting and has potential.