The essence of the poem is really moving, and at the same time, challenging to write. Very few people have the guts to put an "idea" like this in writing... As for your writing style, I firmly believe that the style you possess works for you. Like I've said, the main point of writing is to express yourself, regardless of the how many people understands you expression... If this style works for you, stick with it... I, for one, think it's fine. You owe me reviews... :)

natatandaan ko ang ating bansa sa iyong tula... ngunit hindi pa huli ang lahat, hindi ba?

hello po. Napansin ko lang na kinekwento mo sa mambabasa ang dapat na pinapakita mo. wag naman po sanang ganoon. narito po tayo hindi para isubo sa mambabasa ang gusto nating iparating. isa po kayong makata, hayaan ninyo pong mag-isip ang babasa ng inyong tula.

Nice one! maganda ang pagkakagawa. Although common yung ginamit na style, may taglay namang depth ang mga metaphors na ginamit. Your poem should not only be read literally for it reveals more than what the words can offer.Keep on writing...