The fact your sentences end very abruptly makes the story seem very definite at all times. Sort of like a prologue. I thought it was cool.

Aw, that's depressing...Your fic battels between clunky prose and nice description. The one-sentance paragraphs are too straighforward and awkward to be pleasant, but some lines bring a lot of feeling to the description; "One however just lay their and shivered in the cold while all around choas ensued with the thudding masking his heartbeat . Minutes became hours, seconds became days and the rush of feet never ceased." I'm fond of that for the image and clutter it creates. There's fragment sentances in the beginning, and obviously a mispelled 'there' in the beginning of my quoted paragraph. You do however capture emotion.