FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| The Burnin' Rose 2008-05-17 ch 49,  | abusewow nigga... in my first review i said i'd finish it in a week and i did it! this story was great overall but FULL of grammar errors and especislly with yuri and yukis name. You use dialogue extremely and well and are honestly rilly talented. i hope tokyopop chekks this ** out cause i can tell u put TONS of work into this. there were some plotholes in the story but nothing COMPLETELY major, although they still nag me in the back of my mind. i guess ill start reeding the sequel soon. heres some tips i guess: 1. your romance is very good, but the way u ended it with yuri and densuke was pretty **. the passion they had for each other wasnt shown in that short time. im not sayin to make the sex scene more **-ish but show there feelings more during the scene like "As my fingers grasped his body, an overwhelming warmth took over my whole body, making me feel as if I was in sensual heaven" or something lovey-dovey like that 2. Show more description with surroundings. you focussed on using sight with description. it was overused IMO. I figure tht smel is a real good way to show descritpipn, along with taste, even tho both are very highly underused 3. You started off strong with the girls from sakura's School but they eventually diminished into bakkground characters tht were introduced evry once in awhile for comic relief. They are actually very interesitng characters that i persnally think need to be kept alive throughout th whole story and not the first fifteen chapters. (just a request, not really a critique) 4. and finally, KEPP WRITING!! your style is great and u obisouly have talent. your writing improved i can tell when transitioning from LLH to Chords of Affection. OFF to Snowballs Chance... |
| The Burnin' Rose 2008-05-14 ch 17, | abusedamn, ive read so much my head hurts... but yeah ur doing really good but w=in your final u ned to get yuri and Yukis name in the corretc places cuz at times they hav been mismatched. Oh and i sometimes get confused when u do dialogue without saying who it was. that shoudl mainly happen when there is only two people talking not multiple. good lukk nd ill keep reading. |
| The Burnin' Rose 2008-05-13 ch 7, | abuseits about time they kissed!! but i saw a error: How did Yuri know what Jason said when he asked her name?? |
| The Burnin' Rose 2008-05-11 ch 3, | abuseyo, i think im addicted to ur stories. u hava really good way with dialogue and tho this plot doenst seem COMPLETELY original, its very unique. it reminds me of Love Hina and a couple other animes and manga. but densuke doesnt seem like the average dude who would stare girls down if they were naked which adds to the stories orignality. good work. ill keep reading nd will prolly be done by the end of the week. then ill start reeding the sequel. nd when is the sequel to Chords coming out? |
| ADD Prodigy 2007-05-12 ch 1, | abusereviewing in order to add 2 faves. |
| Star AJT 84 2007-03-21 ch 14, | abuseI love this book! |
| Anne Candy 2007-03-08 ch 49, | abuse"Hakura: Kirsten Kurk: (Laura from Smallville)" It's Lana, not Laura babe |
| KyRen 2007-03-07 ch 49, | abusei love final fantasy 7! g2g. buying it now offa ebay or amazon. |
| Star AJT 84 2007-03-05 ch 1, | abuseOh my god, this story just caught my interest! |
| KyRen 2007-03-01 ch 48, | abusenice job, nick. cant wait fo the sequel! |
| KyRen 2007-03-01 ch 47, | abusetruthfully, i had a feeling that hakura was yuri's mother. but queen of the demon world and super evil, that was pretty interesting |
| KyRen 2007-03-01 ch 46, | abuse...dang!... |
| KyRen 2007-03-01 ch 45, | abuseTHEY ACCUTALLY HIJACKED THE PLANES! that's golden! |
| KyRen 2007-03-01 ch 44, | abusedensuke's a hijacker?! LOL! |
| KyRen 2007-03-01 ch 43, | abuseway to go yuri, yuki, and ryuku! happy very-belated-birthday LLH! and i missed international churro day! NO! |