"but he found some cheese and bologna, " Ew! Don't eat it Marcus! You are young! You still have a life to live!!

""No," Tracy spat out." Spat doesn't feel right...

"The door slammed open" slammed open? Interesting visual

"His tennis shoes thudded against the ground with the quickened beat of his heart. " Nice imagery

I need to note that defense next time my parents want to move, the i need to save the town and my best friend from being on fire defense... yes...

I like the dialogue between marcus and laura, it is pretty natural and it feels right for the characters.

"He's not going with us," Tracy replied, turning back to the sink to hide her face." nice physicalization to convey quite a bit i think?

"thin, lifeless road" nice description

"he hadn't been able to bring himself to say goodbye in person" :,< poor marcus

" letting the vibrations from the car door travel from his elbow up to his chin." lol, nice. i like that it isn't all visual

""I don' care how he got it; the poin' is he's not 'ere,"" What sort of accent is this?

"He pulled off his clothes, damp with sweat," Wo *throws money* oh, wait... ignore me, lol. I like how is big plan is to take a shower, it really makes him seem more real. Hmm... I've got to stall... what can I do, HYGIENE!

" same dirty clothes, because he had forgotten to bring in an extra pair." lol, i love all these quirky little details, this and the soap. it really creates an atmosphere.

"A few dim shafts of light from a streetlight shone through the curtains over the front window" oh *shiver* have you read the dead by james joyce?

" the man explained. "Just tell me where to go."" o.o never trust compliant strangers...

*shakes head* I warned him, he just doesn't listen. At least the pistol was shiny.

"Marcus jolted upright in a sweat." nice showing instead of saying this startled him :O

"There was something different about the atmosphere, though." weird comma placement... try saying it out loud...

"bare feet slapping against the wood floor" nice image

"What was wrong with her?" besides that her TOWN is on fire! lol

"Then again, the dream made good story material. " lol, this reminds me of this quote where this person basically called authors experience whores, just using everything that happens to them.

"Some of you may know that a total solar eclipse is happening soon" oh noez! have you read King Lear?

"It was surprisingly bare, but he found some cheese and bologna, which he used to form a sandwich with bread from the pantry." somewhat stilted and technical

"And Marcus knew she was lying. " he is terribly perceptive

"I have to save Laura." sweet

"His tennis shoes thudded against the ground with the quickened beat of his heart." nice line.

Marcus embarrassingly realized that he had forgotten about it in the excitement the day before.
don't need that adverb there, it is weird as realized is the verb and it isn't embarrassing he realized it but rather that he forgot it.

interesting way of bringing around that something weird is going on.

"Nothing's fine. I mean, everything's fine. cute

Laura's characterization is really cool. i like how she is so caring and sisterly though Marcus comes off a bit brusque comparatively.

lol i have no idea what i'd do if my parents were suddenly, stop writing what you are writing.

4
There was a loud, sudden rustling sound, and weird comma placement

faint throbbing noise pulsated through the room. nice word choice and cool way of talking about things outside visual.

chap 1
I love the way you introduce information

The idea of soon reading something new sparked interest in her, since Tidesdale had no library, and she quickened her gait. there are three ideas in this sentence... the last idea doesn't mesh with the first two...

don't seem or probably just know... it makes the sentence and voice of the narrator stronger.

do you live in a small town, it reminds me very strongly of one.

Oh man, cliffie T.T I wanna know what happens!

Only spotted one very minor grammar error.

'"Now give me the backpack.," repeated the man' Fullstop and a comma? Lol.

lovely descriptions.

good pace

Having been a good friend of Marcus since they were very young I think Marcus should be Marcus' to indicate the possesive...

Nice way of bringing facts into the story

I like the way you describe writing.

Overall, very compelling begining.

Whoah this is awesome! I can't belive I hadn't read this before! You have a unique talent for making up places and characters and making them seem so real. The idea seems interesting too, I look forward to reading more so let me know when you update ok?

You know who this is, if you don't you're a muppet! Or mupeet as I'd say :p