I can tell this is something very important to you, but it seems that while you wrote out the feelings, there is a little something missing. Grains of sand was a good idea, but how you used it was a little .. cliched. It pains me to say this, because I really think you put your heart into writing this poem. But that's just it. Sometimes we can't write "poems" sometimes we have to write our feelings. Let the emotion spill onto the page.

Grains trickle one by oneSoldiers marching to their deathsTime's scythe a pendulumSlowly ending life one second at a time

You know, develop the thoughts, nourish them, let them grow. This poem, the feelings you feel, are seedlings. Water them, feed them, let them grow. And they will blossom into something beautiful.

Most importantly know this: never give up and trust in yourself. Confidence in yourself will allow you to truly grow as a poet. There is a difference between second-guessing and correcting a poem. Good luck!

I think you did a really great job on this poem.

Oh, awesome, I am practically speechless, what to say?