Reviews for White Rain - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: White Rain

Rhian Fireheart 2006-11-19 ch 6,	What a yummy chapter! Shopping and milkshakes...delicious! You know, kind of want her to go for Reed...but then, I never want any of my characters to be happy, so that probably explains why. With the past couple of chapters, you've really settled into a nice, solid voice, and I like that. The first two were a little iffy...you were getting to know your characters, plotline etc, but now you're going strong! I'm looking forward to the rest of the story!
Rhian Fireheart 2006-11-19 ch 3,	Oh, the soap opera that is teenage life. It is one of the things I love most. Bravo on another entertaining chapter! -Sara
Rhian Fireheart 2006-11-19 ch 2,	Wow. That chapter was excellent! Some of your grammar was a bit off, but other than that, fantastic! The energy in this was so powerful. I love it! -Sara
Rhian Fireheart 2006-11-14 ch 1,	Hiya! It's Sara, but under a different penname. Woo! So anyway, I'm going to review this as I read, so be prepared for a wee bit of rambly-ness. At the end of the first sentence, I think the word you want is "defiantly" and not "definitely". It's kind of funny, because whenever I used to want to spell definitely, I'd always write defiantly. A couple paragraphs down...I don't think that she would "relinquish her fists"; she would be a lot more likely to reliquish the fabric of the shirt. I can totally sympathize with Alex's plight, which is excellent. Usually in the first few paragraphs of a story, the protagonist annoys me because they seem to whine so much and without much reason. Alex seems to be justified, though, so it's all good. But then the thing with Gram...that seems so cliche! Eep! I think she shouldn't just come right out and say that she's in love with her best friend. I think it should either be a little more subtle, or she should realize it slightly later? Also, when Gram actually shows up in the flesh, I was a little confused as to who it was. If that could be made a little bit clearer that'd be great. She could just say his name and ta-da! Identification. When we first meet Adam, Alex and Adam say a lot of things "jokingly"-- I think that this could use so variation in your word choice. Perhaps "jocularly" for one of them? Alrighty, I've read through the entire thing, and generally, I like it. I think that you could work on the dialogue a little bit, because it seems really...fake. I don't think I know many people who would talk like that. And a quick thing about description: show don't tell. (My English teachers have drilled this into my head over and over again, so I tend to notice it.) For example: telling would be: "He was a brown horse with a longish mane and brown eyes." Showing would be more like this: "I patted the horse's shoulder, watching dust the color of his coat rise into the air, etc." When you introduced new people, you tended to stop all the action in the story to describe every detail of them. Okie dokie, that's all I've got. I hope you don't mind my critique...and I hope it doesn't sound mean. I think you're off to a wonderful start! :) -Sara
Kittyangel1 2006-05-01 ch 3,	Hey! I know u prob. got excited seeing u got a review only to see its me... -_- but great story! EVERYONE SHOULD READ IT DAMNIT! LUV DUV MEL

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