FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Darcy Monroe 2006-03-23 ch 2,   | It's a very good start. It might be better if you could make your short and choppy sentences flow better, and divide your paragraphs where there's a change of topics. Very few of those, though. I like how you left it vague, let me fill it in instead of going on. Very nice. |
| Sophie Ulquiorra Allen 2006-03-22 ch 2, | Hm, it needs a bit of work. I find that the first chapter was much too short, and the caps lock was rather uneccesary. Also, I would ask you to revise the last paragraph. You change tense and also have too many choppy sentences. However, keep working at it. |