Reviews for Aqua Vitae - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Aqua Vitae - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Angelical12345 2007-07-23 ch 3,	abuseallo! I decided to review your oldest work first, just because... well... no apparent reason, but the latin caught my eye, so I read it. Liked the first two chapters very much actually. I wonder how you manage to review things by stopping to write down your thoughts... I'm going to attempt it h ere, but forgive me if it's not that great. The way it's set in the future but works in a (kind of) less civilized kind of past is interesting. I really like it, and I hope you decided to work with the idea some more (I'll find out later, won't I?). "In face, Jericho magazine once handed down the reward", was this meant to be fact? Why aren't there flesh-sisters? you only mentioned males... It's kind of a twisted up Earth universe in a way... I keep recalling the bit about t he Apes, and how Atlantis was the only place that escaped that... just a thought, but how could they have traced their time lines back that far? Unless it wasn't actually THAT long ago... >.< "Aretmus’s gasping hands." umm.. grasping? "However, diner appeared to be a bit of a production in and of itself." ... dinner? Sorry if you don't give a damn about typo's but they just kind of jump to my attention (at least some of them, I probably missed quite a few). "We cam to no worthwhile conclusions.." okay, this one was just kind of sad. "...philosophical discussions among miner characters." minor. You may have not asked for a detailed review, but I suppose I'll return the favor... even if this is an old work you would rather not bother with anymore. "Flavian muder mysteries did have a tendency to work out that way". murder. Actually that's twice.. again on the next line... something wrong with the "r" on the keyboard you were using to type? :P She goes into this bit on Aljander's soul... isn't it a bit much for someone she JUST MET... and went out on only one date with? Just my personal opinion. Well either I'm stupid... yea.. I'm probably just stupid... If she didn't die then what happened to her? There are a bunch of typos in this and if you care you might wanna just look over it and fix them.. it shouldn't take long and I think it would greatly improve anyone's reading experience, just because typos are annoying when there are too many.
MaDMaS22 2007-07-20 ch 1,	abuseFor the longest time I could not Get fiction press to load peoples stories on my cell phones mobile we browser. Through much toil I have compiled an Html Link List of all of my favorite authors and their stories. Now I can read stories on the go. :) ! Yea ! I still cant review on the go. But hey its a start. In any event I should be able to catch up on some reviewing now. This story seems to have a very nice flow. I like the main character's adventurous/ analytical attitude. "You’re following some nutty Chinaman’s lead across half the known universe" One of my favorite lines. The pacing here is excellent the story really seems to move. One qualm. I would like to have some more description as to what people look like and such. The descritons for the enviroment are excellent. Those that are there. However sometimes you leave it kinda vauge. I know we are in China, but I need you to make me believe it more. A few more descriptions that make this feel like this is China w/o reading that this is China. I really enjoy the conversation in the cafe and the way that you throw in the concept of diffrent planets. Heck I really honestly think with editing and what not. "I fiddled with a synthetic diamond-drop bracelet that was sliding down my wrist. I wished my arms weren’t so thin." As I fiddled with a synthetic diamond-drop bracelet that was sliding down my wrist, I wished... Think that would flow a bit better. Also something to denote the scene changes would be helpful. Very Helpful. Its kind of jarring how sometimes your character simply appears in a new location. All in all Im pleased. So ill be reading this on the way home from work.
persephonevii 2007-06-13 ch 1, anon.	abuseAs you requested in your bio, I left my email for you to reply to me. Also one thing that annoyed me, the formatting is especially weird in the first chapter. It seems as if we jump from one scene to another with no big paragraph break or any other mark to symbolize that. I know doesn't allow big breaks, so perhaps an asterisk or a horizontal rule between each section so the scenes don't seem so muddled up?
persephonevii 2007-06-13 ch 3, anon.	abuseHi, I visited this fic after you mentioned it on Urubaen. Said you were 14 when you wrote it. This is really, really good work for a 14 year old! Though I garner your much older now. Anyhow, I loved the ending... even when she commits the fatal act of jumping into ocean with sharp nasty rocks below, she lives still. Immortality sucks, no? And all this time we sat there bemoaning Adam and Eve's error of judgement. The plot is good and the prose is good as well. The characterization is great, everyone felt real which is important to me. And finally, even if you wrote it now I think it is still a great piece of work!
CyberDragon10K 2007-05-06 ch 3,	abuseHere I am for the last time (in this story), with all things same as they were before. :] =-=-=-= "... the one thingnot 'for her...'." ~ "Thing" and "not" are too close for comfort. :/ (insert ridiculously long string of "i"s) ~ That's just sad. You've done better in chapter 2. >P Here we go, I feel the bitterness flailing wildly off her tongue again. ^^;; "... leaving me with a t least an arms’ width... " ~ Get rid of the space between the "a" and "t". O= I see homosexuality is still a rampant fear even a thousand and a half years into the future of your fictional world; got to wonder where humanity's redeeming qualities are. xD "I breathed a sight of relief and the energy seemed... " ~ A "t" found its way into your "sigh". :/ "-yelp[s], cries, whining kids, and loud clicks of holocams-" "-and alien, you might say-" ~ I think you mean "an" alien. O= Yesghians are perfect gentlemen? Sounds a bit idealistic coming from a girl, but I'll pass and say no more. :] "I said, remembering the look of demonical intelligence the bird had given me." ~ "Demonic" would sound more natural here. :P "Perhaps Yesghians really were more touchy-feely than Earth[l]ings." "Or you co[u]ld meet me here." I notice you've abused the word "definably" quite a lot so far. You may want to consider exchanging them for "definitely", feels more natural in certain instances. ^^;; I opened the door. “Please leave.” “Jen, just give me a chance. You’ll have an eternity for other men-” ~ Nothing big, just a spacing fumble with the speech. :] "But I still felt somehow rumpled, as if my composed exterior had been ripped by Aretmus’s g[r]asping hands." ~ I think there's another that should be fairly obvious... (hint; look at ArTEmus) :/ Haha... silly Yesghians and their color choices. x3 "The only think reassuring about this was the gaudy, obviously fake jewel... " ~ I think it should be "thing" instead of "think" there. O= "One of the benefits of having a Yesghain date... " ~ Look at YesghIAn. ^^ Waiting-room-**-bar? Forgive me for misreading, but that third word seems out of place... although I'm not familiar with bars at all. >P "Aljander nursed a scotch whisky while seated at the bar, while I paced across the room... " ~ Might want to consider changing the second "while" to "as". Reusing the same word twice so quickly sounds unnatural. == "Now that was a real aqua vitae." seems to be yet another repeated line; me likies. ^~ "I’m a real [k]lutz if I’ve been drinking." ~ FYI: Klutz is spelled with a "k", not a "c". :P "... a Mokihanian murder mystery/comedy, a medium I’d hear[d] they were quite proficient in." ~ Not "heart" mind you. xD "However, di[n]ner appeared to be a bit of a production in and of itself." "... was about to take a handful of snails when I was a waiter threading through... " ~ Gosh, this threw me for a loop. Sure you don't mean "saw a waiter threading through"? oO;; "“I recall reading some of the book of Maccabes once.” “Yes,” I nodded, then laughed." ~ Spacing again. ^^ "We cam[e] to no worthwhile conclusions... " "... I doubted either one of us co[u]ld afford the entire thing." "... rather like if I had watched the remake of the classic ‘Titanic’ while on an Earthern boat" ~ Perhaps "Earthen" would be preferable here? O= "The time in between was taken up with earnest, almost philosophical discussions among min[o]r characters." ~ A "minor" character a "miner" is not. xD Hah... so the girl isn't completely besot by the play... I guess old conventions (read; attention spans) haven't returned in full force in that future. :] Curses, she does pay attention after all. :/ "Say what?" "What. But no, really..." ~ I actually laughed a bit here. ^^ "Well, it turned out that Flal Bomeliss had not murder[ed] the translator." Yeah, I'm not a big fan of karaoke either. Reminds me of the horrors of "American Idol" really. :S “And now doubt Artemus was informed by a ‘lucky coincidence’ as well.” ~ I believe the "now" should be a "no" instead. O= Aloneness again feels unnatural (seems I'm not the only one with a problem in word choice). Consider using "loneliness", it flows more fluidly off the tongue. :] "Yes. Yes, yes yes! My hand clutching the note shook, and my eyes clouded with tears." ~ Why is this passage italicized too? It's Jenes talking here, right? oO;; "... out of my desk drawer and drew a thi[c]k, dark line... " ~ "Think" =/= "thick", but you should remember that. :/ "-how many guys do are there in the universe with waist-length platinum blond hair?-" ~ That "do" seems very much out of place. == "... but I found my way to[o] the door all to quickly." Yeah, I'm pretty sure after the third time that Yesghians are gentlemans on a fantasy-based whim. But eh, it's refreshing to read about someone who's not thinking of doing it every so often. Love that's true can never be shaken, right? ^^ "... mo[s]t of the flora and fauna on Arak’s islands was that same as it had been 40 million years ago." "... the larges[t] continent, sometimes known as the ‘Galapagos Island of the Island Planet’." "(ye[s], I loved that city, and it certainly changed me)" ~ Not entirely sure here, but yeah. oO;; Haha... drinking always makes problems go away. xD "But if any mortals are doing it, I’d advise you to stop. Now." ~ I find it odd thet Jenes chooses to break the fourth wall here, but I'll let it slide. O= How much is 104 degrees F in C? The whole metric/imperial conversion crap is really annoying. :/ "“Again? Have we done it yet?” “No,” I muttered, looking at my feet." ~ You know the drill. == "“Wouldn’t you be more frightened if we could?” “You don’t think what you did was wrong?”" ~ Same as before. ==b "I saw a flash o[f] orange as something ran of flew across the trail." ~ Should be "of" instead of "or" really. :/ "The look on his face was quite fantastic, but I didn’t han[g] around to see much of it." ~ "Hang", "hand", that sort of thing. :P "... but the pearls were like chips of ice.Eternis" ~ Spacing error. O= =-=-=-= Definitely an interesting read. For all she wanted to gain, Jenes Inarya ended up with nothing at all in the end. I imagine this lesson extends past the bounds of "immortality" and should be something metaphorical for readers to keep in mind. O= Good show. ^^ Her voice throughout is very good. She's a very strong "take no crap" kind of person, and I like how her dry witticism reflects that. Jenes lapses into over detailing at some points, but remains more or less consistent. Overall, it really is as encapsulating as Max Payne. :] And there you have it. Perhaps it's a little jumbled, but I did review the full story (FINALLY), so here's to seeing the revision one day, and seeing more of these interesting works. ;D
CyberDragon10K 2007-05-05 ch 2,	abuseBack again, and getting going on chapter 2. ^^ Again, corrections in these: [], and reviewing as I read (it's actually quite fun!). ;3 PS: I neglected to mention earlier that your lead and Kerensa were lacking description. "Jen" is not featured at all, and all I know of Kerensa is that she's chinese, from a wealthy family, good-looking, and proud. Most of that is vague, but it beats a whopping NOTHING on Jenes (told you I'd read it before). :/ =-=-=-= "Men knotted their nets down on the beach and women wove their baskets under the shade of the trees and huts[,] unperturbed by the blue-white flashes of holocams and the gawking of the tourists." ~ I'm a big comma ** sometimes, so you don't have to implement this if you don't want to. ^^;; Haha, I've gotten to the age where little kids are starting to become annoying. Noisy little buggers they are, although it makes me appreciate hypocrisy more since we ALL were kids at one point. :P Tall AND thin? Gosh... she reminds me of me, being the pencil-necked palm tree I am. O= "The flames leaped high and flickered around the metal frame holding the baskets in place." ~ Leapt might sound nicer. ^^ "... fire-retardant oil." ~ My suspension of disbelief has been challenged. It sounds like an oxymoron really; you may want to change it to some other substance. :/ “The sand is warm and pow[d]er-soft.” I'm not sure if it's necessary, but it might be better to put a space after each "...", just to make it look nicer. ^^;; Ah-hah! Wit, at the expense of Artemus' dignity no less! O= Goodies, transition dividers! Makes thing so much easier now. ;) "... Yesghians, who wore long-sleeve[d] white shirts with long, loose pants." ~ replace the "s" with a "d". ^^ Ah yes, fearing Westernization... practically what alienated me from most of my peers in high school. +1 to Jenes for being sensible. :P Must remember that the oil is fire-retardant. Hard to imagine though, since we're taught that oil + fire = kaboom, and all that jazz. :/ Jenes Inarya, now that's a nice name. :] Crypticism is always fun when you get shamnistic/prophetic characters. Not very original, but I'm doubtful much still IS in this day and age. :S You like repeating certain lines, especially the "Artemus' chagrin" ones. ^^;; Good to know I was in the right ballpark with Jene's appearance, although it's hard to mess up when she's categorized as Western, which simply screams Caucasian. x3 Somehow I imagined the immortality ritual would've been more entertaining. Good thing Jenes does too. :D "... when I hea[r]d the low rushing of water." "... revealed a she[e]r mile of whitewater rapids... " ~ Commonly confused words missy. "Shear" is a cut, you're thinking of "sheer". ;D "(the very thought [of] food made me squeamish)" ~ Wow, a whole word. Shocking. :/ I'd capitalize the "m" in "Am"; some people might confuse it for the word "am", y'know. O= =-=-=-= Definitely something interesting going on here. I probably shouldn't be imagining Jenes' face as a shriveled prune, but that's the idea I got from that last description. She's also a nudist in private, reminds me of a certain young sorceress I've been working on developing. ;D Her voice seems to have gotten more descriptive, I kind of miss the dry "I don't give a damn" tone she had in chapter 1. Oh well, only one chapter left. ^^
CyberDragon10K 2007-05-05 ch 1,	abuseEveryone's favorite dragon has decided to make his way here at last! ^^ Sorry for the delays, been busy with getting other stuff done (among other things that never happened). I said I'd review Aqua Vitae, so here we go. :] Perhaps I'll adopt something you're quite familiar with and review as I read. Truthfully, I've already read the story, but there are things I'd like to comment on. ^^;; Corrections I'm sure you'll like to know of are in these: []. (I seem to borrow a lot of convetions from successful women. >P =-=-=-= Good opening introduction so far. Drunken beginnings always make for entertaining scenarios. I myself don't know the feeling, but I'll be sure to call you if my head ever feels like corkscrewing off my neck. :P Question 1: Who's Shou Xin? I gather a new-age Chinese acquaintance of hers, or the party host? O= “Not in Penglai.” “I see.” She tapped the side of her mug. ~ Probably should track how FP spaces things; it's a ** sometimes. :/ Hah, now I see what you meant by Arak. :] "The only ones who knew had forgotten or weren’t for speaking to Earth[l]ings." "Cross-reference[d] the entire library, in fact." "... when you’re cramped onto a 75,0 foot square space-cruise ship." ~ Square foot might sound better, but that's just me. O= Lobsters are always scrum-diddly-umptious. I'm a sucker for the easy meat though, so I always try to get those before my family does. x3 Thin arms? Oh dear, hopefully "Jen" isn't dreadfully emaciated. :O There's a lack of transition from "Jen's" room to the top deck of the space cruise-ship. You might want to note that for the future revision. :S "... and pulled of[f] my ‘horn if you’re honky’ sweatshirt." Damn it girl, it's like I'm being teleported around Halo by the Monitor! Where ARE those transitions? >< =-=-=-= In summary, the story has a good voice so far. Maybe I'm attracted to bitter protagonists in first person stories, or perhaps I've played Max Payne too much, but the leading female is quite sassy and enjoyable. She seems a bit bitter at the moment, but hey. Immortality isn't exactly handed out at news stands around here I take it. :P Pretty encapsulating overall, I'd say. Those passages are a bit alien to me, but I suppose it's a fact of not being very literate in reading books. oO;; I'll move onto chapter 2 shortly. ;D
Greatheart 2007-02-19 ch 3,	abuseI liked this short story. Usually, I'm not that big a fan of science fiction, but this mixture of sci-fi and fantasy worked for me. I know that this was your first story and you've probably become more amazing since then, but I figure that comments are still welcome. If you're planning to re-write this story, I would focus on trying to make the overall story more streamlined. It seemed a bit jumpy going from scene to scene and some of the scenes didn't seem to fit. Sometimes you seemed to get too far away from the main idea of the story. Also the general feeling behind the writing seemed to change a lot. It would go from serious and poetic to rough and irreverant. I realize that it was pretty important for the kind of characterization you were going for, but it kind of threw me off sometimes going from those two extremes. I really liked it and plan on going on to read some of your more recent stuff. Thanks for adding me to your C2, by the way.
beggars-would-ride 2007-02-19 ch 3,	abuseGoodness what a long chapter! Anyway, wonderful story! I truly enjoyed it! Your style of writing and the character fit so well together! And the narration was well-done in that it included description enough to set the scene, but didn't give too much description and interrupt the real thought process of the narrating character. (If that made any sense...) I do suggest going back and fixing grammar and spelling errors.
SapphireIris 2006-07-05 ch 3,	abuseWow, this is deep. I haven't really read sci/fi-ish fantasy-ish stuff, so I can't tell you if it's 'good' or not. I like it, though, and the ending was very cryptic. Not much more to say before I start rambling on again... -SapphireIris
Kenny's Friend 2006-05-13 ch 3,	abuseBreathtaking, Therese. Great characterization, wonderful progression, great dialogue... this is a great fic. Keep 'em coming!
Alankria 2006-05-03 ch 3,	abuseBack for the final segment. Reviewing as I read, as always, and any corrections are in square brackets. 'On love'- the one thingnot 'for her...'. -- ficpress stuck two words together there. "but not of them was what I wanted." -- Perhaps 'none of them'? "leaving me with [at] least an arms’ width of space on either side." "It was the darker one[,] with raven-black hair so long it reached past his waist." "He was staring at me with large eyes so dark that I’d have to redefine the color black to describe them." -- Nice description! "In [fact], Jericho magazine once handed down the reward" An interesting alien concept, by the way, not just rehashed star wars or star trek. "I fell to my knees and was headed for the floor when someone caught me." -- Hmm, this sentence makes it sound as if she's heading to the door while still on her knees. Do you mean to say that? “Thanks[,]” I said breathlessly. “I don’t know what happened there.” “Dan-karim[,]” [he] said. “Though they’re definably nasty.” -- Do you mean 'definitely'? I'm not sure. “It was no trouble, I assure you[,]” [he] said, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. “The Aqua Vitae at seven-thirty. Or you [could] meet me here.” -- A-ha, the story title! " If so, this would [definitely] be our last date." "I sat down on the bed and began to massage my forehead [rhythmically]." “You weren’t invited[,]” I said coolly. “Shall we?” [he] asked "I was planning to bring Aljander to the on-board production of a Mokihanian murder mystery/comedy, a medium I’d [heard] they were quite proficient in." "However, [diner] appeared to be a bit of a production in and of itself." "We [came] to no worthwhile conclusions, though I did decide to convert to Zoroastrianism at the next available opportunity" "at c560 a plate, I doubted either one of us [could] afford the entire thing." "The time in between was taken up with earnest, almost philosophical discussions among [minor] characters." “Of course, dear lady[.]” Lhux rose from the translator’s crumpled body “I think she did it[,]” Aljander whispered. “Are you always this clueless?” [she] demanded. "Well, it turned out that Flal Bomeliss had not [murdered] the translator. My suspicions defiantly turned to Arisha, especially after she had her butler and steward review a letter she had written to Lhux." -- And do you mean 'definitely' instead of 'defiantly'? " and I could only imagine what they had been playing when [they] opened up at 6 PM the day before" “What?” [he] asked. “And [no] doubt Artemus was informed by a ‘lucky coincidence’ as well.” “I’m sorry[,]” I whispered again. “I love you, too[,]” [he] whispered. "there had been a bonanza of extra-generational dissimilarities on Fanning Prime, the [largest] continent" “Never a living human condition[,]” Keren said. “Erm...no[,]” I said. “Great[,]” [she] grinned. “Wanna take a hike with me?” “Shure[,]” I mumbled. Merg, cannot be bothered to correct all the speech-commery mistakes any more. I think I've made my point about the rule already, so I'll leave it up to you to go back and change when and if you want to. "It would be worth spending Eternity avoiding her [just] to see the look on her face." - - - Okay, some thoughts on the whole piece. Firstly, I really enjoyed it - you've got a fluid, natural style that engages the reader throughout. I have to say, I don't find Jenes detestable at all; I quite enjoyed her character. Sure, she has negative traits, but that makes her more real. You've built up an interesting vision of the future and it sounds like there is much more about the history, society and culture to learn than was told in the story; I'll definitely be checking out the other story in this setting. All in all, this was an enjoyable read and I'll be keeping an eye on you in the future for sure. And on a random note, CS Friedman is amazing. I've only read her scifi "This Alien Shore" and it's one of the best novels I've ever read; if you haven't read it, do so. Now. And finally, thanks for the review on my story :)
Alankria 2006-04-27 ch 2,	abuseGreetings all. Sorry it took me so long to get back to this, but here's my next review. As before, reviewing as I read so it may be a bit choppy, and any corrections are in square brackets. Oh, I can definitely identify with her annoyance at small children in places like that. The kids in Africa sure got annoying after a while. "protecting them from both the heat of the flames and of the red-hot metal." -- I don't think you need the second 'of' in that sentence. "so much that they could probably roast the seeds without the oil and never [notice] the difference." "I did so, suddenly wry." -- Do you mean 'wary' instead of 'wry'? “The sand is warm and power-soft[,]” [she] said, as if reciting poetry. " “Take off your sandals, for you are on holy ground[,]” I murmured." “It’s as sharp as my boyfriend’s mind[,]” I said, then laughed weakly at my own joke." "She seemed to think I was about ready to kneel over right there on the golden sands of the beach." -- I think you mean 'keel' instead of 'kneel' “The fire won’t harm you now any more than it would before[,]” [she] said." “I know[,]” I said. “But now that isn’t saying a lot.” “Turn to the left[,]” [she] said. " "were the Yesghians, who wore [long-sleeved] white shirts with long, loose pants." “Along the beach[,]” I said." "What the hell did it matter to me if the immortal Arakians became Westernized?" -- Westernised? Is that really the word you mean? "Hell, you didn’t have to be a bleeding heart to dread that." -- I concur. “Jenes Inarya[,]” [she] said." “Your family is very old, is it not?” [she] asked." “Another island[,]” Mamajarana said approvingly." “Angra[,]” I said." “Come forward[,]” Mamajarana said." “This is what you seek[,]” [she] said." “Not hungry[,]” I muttered, pulling a pillow over my head." “That was damn anticlimactic[,]” I said aloud." “It will help when things get bad tonight[,]” [she] said. "the very thought [of] food made me squeamish" “Nothing[,]” I said. “Nothing happened last night." “I wasn’t feeling well[,]” I explained, almost apologetically." Interesting chapter. The drink seemed so ritualised, it makes me wonder what the natives gained from it.
darkmoon-angelus 2006-04-25 ch 3,	abuseWow. Sorry, it's been a while, but I remembered today and got a chance to sit down and read it, and I'm incredibly impressed. It's very well-written, the plot is clear, and your character is very well-developed. I also noticed a few spelling mistakes, but there's nothing huge, and none of it compromises the quality. I really enjoyed this, and I hope you continue it.
misterfuzzums 2006-04-20 ch 2, anon.	abuseYeah... I forgot to say that I don't think I know anyone who goes by the name of The Mumbling Sage... though you might know me or something, but I'm just clueless.

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