I really like this story so far. It was the title that drew me in-- Gray being my favorite color-- and the fact that your character's name is Prayer, which is interesting and unusual, and... I don't know, just cool.

There are a few minor inconsistencies and some other things, and you said you wanted constructive criticism, so.

First inconsistency: Prayer says being a gray-lady is perhaps the lowest position, but a few sentences before that, she's thinking about the old teacher being high-ranked. And if she isn't sure if this is or isn't her old teacher, and she's wearing gray, I assume she's a gray-lady, which would mean that she /wouldn't/ be high-ranked, and... yeah.

Another thing that bothered me was some of the language-- I felt it was slightly anachronistic. I'm assuming this is supposed to be vaguely medieval fantasy the way most fantasy is-- so the use of 'Gosh' and 'you guys' was jarring.

I seem to remember that there was another inconsistency, but now I can't recall what it was, and I might be wrong.

I like the idea of the wells containing the things that people had gotten rid of with magic, but it seems kind of strange (not to mention very helpful, and therefore somewhat contrived) that it would differentiate when it comes to food.

The writing is a little choppy earlier on, but not so badly, and since you seem to be aware of it I won't say anything else about it.

Umm. I think that's all. But I do really like this-- and in a 'I'm actually curious to see what happens next' way, rather than an, 'Oh, that's a pretty decent story-- for Fictionpress' way. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Hayl is way too corny. All of the characters seem to be pretty stereotyped.

What can I say other than what you said? Okay, I could tell it was rushed and kind of choppy, and was gonna comment on that, but you took care of that. I'll just do the usual.

What I think you did best was the way you described everything in depth. Even though it seemed to trudge on so slowly at times, it also had a certain charm of it, as if you were experiencing the same thing Prayer was.

What I think you can work on is the choppiness. You do have a unique way of having one or two sentence paragraphs, and those can add or detract to the quality or a story. If you use them to frequently, it makes it seem like a journal of some sort rather than an actual narrative. If you space them out better, they will emphasize certain areas.

I feel like Hayl decided to trust them too quickly. They would trust anybody - they're starving - but wouldn't she hedge around things a little bit more. But then again, she doesn't have much to lose, does she?

Besides that, this chapter is all right. I don't have much else to say about it that I haven't said of any other chapter. I feel like these could have been compressed into one chapter, but I guess people don't like to read that long.

The dialogue here is lovely.

Again, you're using the simplistic style that I adore. It worked particularly well when Haldis was looking at Etra sleeping with the stone clutched in her hand and wondering how she could be so greedy.

This reminded me a bit of 'The Girl Who Owned a City.' I don't know if that was what the book was called - I read it way back in the sixth grade - but the whole concept of the kids being alone in their ordeal reminded me a lot of that. I think you portrayed the mob mentality here rather well, almost like in a Tale of Two Cities when Dr. Manette goes out and manages to turn the mob's bloodlust into a desire to save Darnay from jail. These kids, they aren't organized in a way that would cheapen the story and lessen the realism. They're all frenzied and disorganized and it seems like it could happen, could happen.

I felt that writing this rushed did show a bit. A few parts seemed a bit rough or choppy, but if you think on it, this chapter was pretty choppy in subject matter, so it works.

"If it wasn’t her hair, it was sweat, or even bugs—nothing, especially the eyes, seemed sacred here, in the jungle."

Strong way to start the thing off. Usually when people think of jungles, they think of dark-skinned people dancing around in red loinclothes chanting to the sacred spirits, of a place that is, in essence, sacred. Starting it off by contradicting this association was just strong, to me.

"adjusted her hair one last time. It was too bad that pieces were falling out of the tightly wrapped bun—that would get her chastised. Prayer tried not to be vain, she really did, but she needed something to be proud of, and the only thing she had was her hair. She hadn’t looked in a mirror for more than five years—they were not allowed. She’d caught glimpses of her face in cups of water, but she could never see the whole thing at once. And her body wasn’t pretty—it was too muscular and shapeless. She didn’t have gorgeous hips like many girls her age. So she was proud of her knee-length hair."

I feel like you could go either way with this bit: keep it, or trash it. On the one hand, I felt like it was a kind of unneccesary information dump, but I also felt like it offers some insight into Prayer's personality, so I guess it's up to you whether or not you feel it's important.

"If her brother had been here, he would’ve sworn; if Prayer did that, she would be beaten."

Nice, simple way to convey the way these kids are being raised.

"Prayer smiled; the woman continued on her way, emotionless."

I notice you use a lot of semi-colons. I'm a fan of them, myself, but I think that a little variety might be beneficial here.

"No one knew for certain."

This feels a little pointless, also. You already told us that it was all rumor - you don't need to repeat yourself.

"The girl might have just been trying to be friendly, but she could’ve also been a spy."

Again, a great line for naivety and boldness. It's almost the way a wunderkind would write; with talent, but also with the sense of wonder and clarity that the young are generally thought to have. It conveys the feel of the procession very well.

"Her long grayish robes fluttered in the slight breeze. The sleeves were so tattered."

Again with the childish wonder, but this one is pretty rough. I had to read it twice to be sure I knew that I was reading it right.

" It seemed to three or so voices, screeching all at once. It didn’t sound very animal any longer, though it could easily be a wolf pack. Prayer shivered. What if there were humans out there, hunting for their group? But Prayer had passed the point of no return. If she went back now, she would stay awake, wondering what had caused the noise, till it drove her mad."

This feels oddly familiar. I don't really know why, but it struck me as a little cliche, even though I know that I get bouts of curiosity that drive me crazy, and that basically everybody does. It just feels a little generic.

The only other thing I have to ask about it so far is why she's named Prayer. It just detracts from the realism of the story and makes it harder for me to sympathize with her.

On to the next chapter!

Prayer seems...dull. Haldis is just Haldis and Hayl is a floaty spirit with a personality in desperate need of development. Sorry if I sound rude, Ceci!!

...well, it sort of explained more. ^^;;I don't have much to say about this chapter.

This first chapter could be a little more...I don't know, you just could have explained more. I hope the second chapter makes more sense.

this is a terrific story! i absolutely love it! where do you get these ideas? They're great!

Why, we are tired, lets follow the strange light. Yeah...really smart characters you've got Ceci.

I don't think Hayl should be so...happy. Laughing, smiling, unless it was a smug smile I just imagined her as being more defined.

I don't like this one as much, I don't feel the kids are anything more then scenary really, and everyone is way too trusting.

wow!! that was awesome! you're a great writer! and thanks for getting back to me!

I liked how you tranistioned and gave background information, not cramming it all in at once. And I like Prayer more then I do some of your other female characters.

You are also bringing in the properties of the setting slowly, and I think thats a smart move since the readers will want to know more rather then skimming the description.

Have you read Animal Farm or Lord of the Flies? For villages without leaders who are kind of attempting anarchy or democracy I really recomend reading them. The things that can happen...amazing. Though I didn't like the Lord of the Flies book myself

that was a wonderful chapter! i thought it was very good! keep up the great writing!

I liked it, personally I think you write better rushed, but that could just be me.

Anyways, I'm not sure where it is going, maybe a warring troop going to kidnapp them or some such thing. I think that playing with the colors of peoples clothes as an underlying theme would be really interesting.