|Reviews for Path of the Warrior|
| greype-juice 8/26/07 . chapter 21
Since your last chapter was so wonderful, and all that was left was the epilogue, it seemed fitting that I finish your story tonight. A job very well done. From beginning to end your story was indeed very good. As mentioned before there were some slower spots, but in the end you certainly kept attention and created a very well written battle scene, one of the better ones I have read, in fact. It did not recount every action, but it told of the ones that did matter. It was chaotic enough to be a battle, and yet easy enough for a reader to follow.
You've created a very nice piece, here. Some reworking and it will be even better. You should be quite proud of yourself.
It has been a great pleasure reviewing for you, and I hope my comments have been helpful.
| greype-juice 8/26/07 . chapter 20
"...souvenirs from past excursions by the Oblivion Demons." A wonderful, well put line.
“What about Repus?”
That question made Skyeye pause, and he calmly looked up to meet Demalshin’s eyes. “Repus would understand. He would do the same for us.”
| greype-juice 8/25/07 . chapter 19
Praise! Praise! A wonderful chapter. My only objection is to the beginning where Reana is able to recognize Veil, on a different horse, among all of the cenatars which outnumber the amount of demons. It seems rather unlikely that she would be able to spot him in that sort of crowd. I can see her scanning the lines, but anything definative would be hard pressed to get. The demons reacted very quickly, and distinguishing one person from another would be neigh on impossible.
Very nice job. Nice build of suspense, great job with delivery of the battle. This is quite possibly your best-written chapter yet. Very nice job.
| greype-juice 8/24/07 . chapter 18
This chapter was much better than what I remember the last one to have been. You've done a nice job of building up some suspense and bringing everyone that has been important to meet up to this point together. I forsee that being a sucessful merging.
Repus is a wonderful character. Nice job with using him to bring in some comic relief: "squirrel soup?" That was very well done.
As more of a general comment, while the content of your chapter is good, some of the ways in which you expressed the happenings was not always the best way you could have done so. When Vail talks to Jander, for instance, and does not know exactly what he means but nods his head anyway, you could have put that a little more eloquently. There are just several points throughout the chapter that could you help like that.
Nice job once again,
| greype-juice 5/18/07 . chapter 17
Alright, I'm not completely impressed with this chapter. Veil seems extremely changed to the point where he is almost acting out of character. Talking with Mikalis like they're great friends just seems out of place. In the scene with Reana, my first tip would be to stop repeating the phrase "young woman." It became boring after the first two or three times you used it. Also, Reana's almost falling due to the shear pain... yes. I would think that between the pain and the actual blows themselves, she would be on the ground. I don't see Reana as being quite that tough that she's able to withstand a couple blows to her shoulders/arms. She isn't Veil who has just recently been trained to work through that kind of difficulty.
And Veil still manages to rescue Reana just in the nick of time. That...I saw coming from the moment the ogres came after her, though I was hoping you would be able to avoid that predictable "plot twist."
"Veil, seeing Reana’s haggard appearance, knew that she wouldn’t be able to hold her own in that fight," No surprise that Reana is suddenly here? That after all this time she's been trying to keep up with him? No eyes widening in recognition? That's rather drab.
"And now I’ve learned a lot—Jander taught me how to survive in the wild, Cale and Demlshin honed those basic skills" Woah. Veil doesn't know that Reana knows all these people. He wouldn't mention them by name. And it seems like he should be a little more concerned about her wellbeing or his own than he is. And you're rushing their "meeting back up again" scene. They've spent all this time apart, and then you've thrown out so much information for them to catch up it's been done too hurriedly. Reana's explaining what happened to the village, though is quite understandable.
And as cute as it is that he kisses her, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to be doing it then, when she asks him if it's really him. They haven't kissed before, kissing her isn't going to prove that it's him. And if you deem that it is appropriately placed (which perhaps if you'd shown the nervousness that Veil would be faced with in this sort of a situation it might have been), you should describe the haywire that should be going through Veil's mind. I can't imagine that he would just kiss her out of no where without regard to how she might react or whether or not that's really what he wants to do, what kind of consequences it might have?
Well, i liked the ending better than the rest of the chapter, though i don't think it quite makes up for it. Nice that they were interrupted. I did not exactly see that coming, and I suppose that Reana still has some part yet to play in our story of which I am unaware. So that will be interesting to discover. Best of luck in your editting.
| greype-juice 4/30/07 . chapter 16
"he had no regrets," I would beg to differ based on what the chapter opened with. Perhaps this is just Kelil talking to himself? Trying to convince himself that he has no regrets? Perhaps try to make that clearer.
"Veil half nodded and shrugged, indicating that he did not feel one way or the other." Don't tell us that he doesn't feel one way or the other, show us. The actions themselves show us, and you undermine them by coming right out and stating his dispositoin. If you feel more needs to be said on how he feels, show that instead. But I think that the half nod and shrug are good enough.
"...He saved my life many a time, and stood by me even against the promise of Kreger’s blade. He himself has leadership potential.” Something about that sounds awkward.
"having lost the rest of his minka berries." Lost them? Perhaps in all the time here he ate them after the sparring with Repus, or they went bad. Those seem to be much more logical than he simply lost them. Losing his cloak is easily dismissed, but unless there is a particular reason for him "losing" them, it might be better to say that he ate them all, or had to throw them out.
“Good corrupts and evil turns in upon itself.” This is a side note. I'm not sure where exactly you got this idea, but I would propose that Good is simply meaningless when there is no opportunity to do otherwise. It does not seem that it would corrupt, as corruption would be the opposite of good.
It's very interesting that Veil is moved so emotionally by this gift. Instead of recieving it with the mutual understanding that the Stoic Grim seems to emulate.
And Veil's understanding of it being time to leave is understandable, and since I have not read the next chapter I do not know if he sets out immediately, but if that is the case, it does not seem that he will have much of a chance, especially if he is still wincing whenever his foot tounches the floor. Crutches in the wilderness aren't more than a bullseye for someone wicked. That may in fact be your plan, especially with Reana on Veil's tail. I suppose I'll just have to wait and see.
Another good chapter. Shorter this one was. And thank you for the review, and I'm sorry for such a delay in the continuance of my reviews, though I cannot guarentee much more regularity.
| greype-juice 2/16/07 . chapter 15
"Veil just shrugged and joined in the outcries then, mixing their deep dwarven voices with his calls to Kelil." Injured as he is, Veil just shrugs casually and joins in? This seems rather unlikely, especially with the carelessness the shrug implies. Perhaps if he took a deep breath, it would be a little more realistic. I am glad, however, that you take Veil's condition into consideration in the next paragraph.
"Many of the dwarves collapsed on the spot, including Veil and Grim. Repus came over and clapped the ranger on the back, nodding as he saw his leg injury." This seems a little awkward. Veil collapses and then Repus comes over and claps him on the back-perhaps if you explain the way he collapses it would make more sense. I imagined laying down, or even sitting back to back with Grim, in which case that would still be rather difficult.
I would like to know what you thought about my last comment regarding the overall plot of your book, if you have the time to respond. I read this chapter in two parts, so I appologize for the short review this time. Nice work.
| greype-juice 2/13/07 . chapter 14
One thing I am beginning to notice is that you almost have an inner struggle within Veil-something on which you should focus. Your plot is rather vague, we have one boy who is "the Destined" (and we do not know what exactly this entails) and he is fleeing having to confront this. As a side to this, Reana is trying to find Veil, and currently is with two travelling companions of his, though she has met none of her own. I think the problem exists wihtin the vague plot. When I am reading, I am genuinely interested in what is going to happen, but it's difficult to return and read more, and I do so based on the memory that I have enjoyed the story in the past. Perhaps if you focus more on the internal conflict that Veil is experiencing, your story will improve.
And now I am confused. The demons are attacking, and yet there is a halfling among other assassins surounding Repus? Where did they come from?
"simultaneously throwing one axe at Mongoose at making a fine cut across Vey’s cheek with the other. " Just a grammar error, instead of "at Mongoose at making a fine cut" it should be "at Mongoose and making..."
"Vey took one downcast look at Mongoose, then to Kalana, who nodded consent, and the two picked up their, discarding Repus’s axe, and exited the same way they came, silent as the shadows around them." It is sad to see that your 'skilled' enemies were so weak as to simply retreat. Throwing daggers can be recovered, and I imagine that, though female, the two together would not have been completely hopeless. The halfling had time during the last while to recollect her weapons, and it would seem, if so easily out of ammunition, they did not come prepared, which does not lend me to think them so skilled as you portrayed them. The king was already at a bit of a disadvantage having been worn in the battle and with a lot of blood loss via the wound to his head. Somehow this just does not seem very fitting, and is very anticlimatic.
"The three rogues stopped in a side passage that was covered in shadows, and the only light that reached them was some meager torchlight from the main tunnel." I thought that Mongoose was rather dead? And that was why they gave up in the first place. That is also a rather odd name for an assassin "Mongoose"... But either way, it seems like Kalana and Vey leave by themselves when Repus gives them leave.
One other point: If the three assassins have a regeneration ability, then why on earth would they not use that surprise to their advantage? It seems completely ridiculous that they surrendered when at this point, it does not look like they were even at much of a disadvantage at all.
I suppose that the very end of the chapter explains where the assassins came from, although when they are introduced it seems very random.
Interesting chapter, nice job leaving a cliff hanger with Veil and the demon, and it is good to see Kreger once more too. The whole surrender of the assassins really threw me off, that needs some work, but otherwise a very nice job.
| greype-juice 2/12/07 . chapter 12
"A heavy knock sounded on his door, and Veil immediately went to the portal to open it for his guest—it wasn’t often that dwarves came to him." I believe not long before this chapter you said that Veil was undressing. Normally, before opening the door, I think people tend to throw some clothes back on. Perhaps if he only removed his shirt, he'd shrug that on as he made his way over to the door. It goes without saying too, that Veil would need to grap Twin Dragon before leaving if he is to practice with Repus right after the ending of the council session.
The council session was interesting. I think you could have given it a little more depth if you had mentioned any of the political debates, and if you could have Repus mentioning the different laws about dwarven politics intermittently.
"except that this time, unlike any other, he was completely conscious of the happenings about him." I'm not really sure what you mean by that. Concious of what's happening with the king? or concious of this vision? If it's of what's going on with the dwarf, you may want to mention what's happening there, although i think the idea of seeing both what's happening and what's going on in the vision is rather... difficult.
"the poor dwarf clearly surprised by Veil’s sudden awakening." This seems almost as though you added it as an afterthought. If the dwarf was surprised, we would need to know it right when Veil woke up. Not at the end of the sentence after the dwarf has already taken on some other actions.
"flat certainly did some damage. I think that ye’ll . . .” Repus stopped as a messenger burst the room, looking quite nervous and panicky. He requested an urgent word alone with the king, and Repus nodded to him, patted Veil on the shoulder, and calmly walked out of the room, " I expected Repus to at least conclude his sentence, if a bit awkwardly. Repus does not seem the type to get that easily distracted, especially as a king.
Great conclusion to your chapter. "Demons." After all that was all that really needed to be said. You set that up very nicely. Great job, another well-written chapter. Good luck in all your editting for this.
| greype-juice 2/7/07 . chapter 11
"And at the base of the mountains there was a sight that almost brought a tear to Veil’s eye—a forest. He would be able to travel through one more forest before entering the dark depths of Thaxkar." I do not mind the second sentence, but if Veil is going to be that emotional, then you should give some focus to Veil's longing for the forest before this point. As a reader, I understand that he has a certain attatchment to the forest, but on that note, he has been enjoying his ability to ride around, even if it is rather cold. Perhaps show some of Veil's struggle a little more just with the differences in terrain, or his feelings of vulnerability without the trees to shade him. Something along those lines.
"Where I’m going is a place you cannot follow." Sounds rather reminiscint of what Frodo tells Sam at the end of the Lord of the Rings.
Alright, you are dealing with the elements. It is cold, and snowing, then they are bound to be freezing. And if the wind is picking up, perhaps their hair is whipping about their faces, and the horses have slowed, etc. Veil is also going to be by himself, ranger skills or not, he will not be able to keep the cold out with only a cloak. You mention that he thinks he will be able to find some shelter if he needs to, but should not he be able to see the coming blizzard with his exceptional ranger skills? Or is he not quite that experienced? With this type of weather setting in, food is also going to be scarce, the minka berries are going to be hard to find, etc. Keep the weather in mind, and make the readers keep it in mind. This will add a little more depth to the hardships your characters are facing.
"He picked up his pace even more, knowing the storm was getting worse. Veil’s arms constantly rubbed each other in a meager attempt to keep his blood flowing, the cold snow penetrating even the warmth of the folds of his cloak. He had been searching for the entrance to dwarven complex for hours now, but to no avail. The ranger stopped to rest for a bit in a recess of some rocks, a small shelter against the wind and snow." This is a much better job. Very well done here, and much needed.
"All exhaustion forgotten, Veil rushed forth, making sure to keep his hands on the wall to follow the pulsations of the stone. After a few minutes, and now completely blind in the absolute darkness, Veil also heard gruff shouts accompanying the sounds of battle, and soon after that he could distinguish the words." Now, you have focused quite a bit on the cold, Veil's numb hands. Is it any warmer inside? Is it warm enough that his body is burning because of the sudden change in temperature?
Nice description of Thaxar. You did a good job with showing Veil's amazement as he entered into the city, saw all the dwarves, realized there were more levels, etc. It's interesting that he got the dustier room, I would imagine that you have plans for that added aspect. Another nice chapter. Well done.
| greype-juice 1/28/07 . chapter 10
I was a little concerned to see that you did not start this chapter off with Veil. You have sidetracked to the other people over the past two chapters, and it seems rightful to retun to Veil in his quest. It's interesting that you have three stories of sorts going on inside this one chapter, where in the past three chapters you have split them up.
And how wonderful that Reana is able to meet up with Cale and Demalshin. It does seem a little to coincidental, but that is alright. You have done a nice job with this chapter. It is interesting that Veil was actually able to remember so much about the realms, especially enough to be so daring with the seraph, however given the options that he had, there did not seem to be much else that he could do.
It is also curious that Demalshin and Cale are headed to exactly where Reana needs to go. That is what seems, perhaps, so odd about their meeting. If they were able to give her all the information she needed in one sitting, it might be better. But nice chapter over all, a lot information, quite a bit happens. Well done.
| greype-juice 1/28/07 . chapter 9
One thing of interest is that Reana seems completely fine riding a horse, and yet two chapters ago, we discover that Veil has no such experience. Some kind of introduction earlier to explain that would be good. It seems odd that a girl would know how to horseback ride while a boy from the same hometown would not.
"Every time she scored a direct hit, though, she had to look away before the sight of the hideous goblin blood made her want to vomit." This is a good line. It seems to keep her real, and characterize her not as childish, but simply as inexperienced in that area. Very nicely done. The only tibit I would add for this scene is some kind of thoughts back to her village. You mention she is unwilling to die 3 days ride from it, however, some kind of memory of the slaughter that occured there might be welcome.
Very nice job with this chapter as well. You have caught us up now on what is happening with almost everyone. Well done. Until next time.
| greype-juice 1/26/07 . chapter 8
Short chapter this time, and in fact I do not have much to add. It seemed as though you are setting the reader up for when Veil encounters these characters. The battle scene was nicely illustrated, it may have been nicer to add a little before the battle, perhaps some friendly banter before it commenced or just as they reached the chimera.
| greype-juice 1/26/07 . chapter 7
Greetings once more. Before I give you any advice, I would just like to point out a couple of typing errors. The first being
"Sam and Rub took the initiative," I believe you mean Ruby, and then "Thanks fort he business, boys.”" It should be 'for the.'
I like Demalshin's dwarf story. That added a lot to his character, however, Veil, really does quickly come to trust him and Cale. If it is necessary for him to come to trust them so quickly, then have them offer some sort of "proof" of their goodwill... I think you could have done a lot more to make Ruby and Sam memorable characters. Giving them some sort of quirks would improve your chapter greatly if you can manage to do something such as that.
I am not sure if you have ever ridden a horse, but you could mention more on why the traveling was so rough on his bottom, or just simply expand on that line of thinking. Perhaps the saddle has chaffed his legs, etc. It would be more real.
Once again a very nice chapter. Nicely done and well written. I believe I have less and less critism as the chapters continue. Very well done.
| greype-juice 1/14/07 . chapter 6
Greetings again, and thank you for responding. Well, if there is not anything in particular that you should like me to concentrate upon, then I will just continue to give an general review.
"...despite the fact that his left arm was still in a sling..." 'despite the fact' makes this a little awkward. Even 'despite his left arm which remained in a sling" sounds better. 'the fact' is unnecessary.
"with the powerful Sun Bolt, that had really allowed them to striker the goddess down." I believe you just mean strike, not striker.
". . .re Destined . . . save the world . . . or destroy it . . .” A couple things about this little section: First, about that statement. "save the world or destroy it" sounds like it goes together, instead of having other things inbetween it as the elipses imply. If what is being said actually does have pieces missing there, then that is fine. If it does not, then I would suggest changing either what you wrote, or making it so that it does have something between them. If you have not already, then write out what the origional statement is, and then take pieces away (since you have already completed this piece, you may have already done this). Also, I would describe this episode a bit more. You have the light, that is what he is seeing, but what about Veil's other senses, try using some of them to make these experiences greater and more appealing/connecting to the readers.
"I’m meant to either save or condemn the world? But how could I do that? I’m just a boy . . . what if I make the wrong mistake, the wrong choice? Then the world will be doomed because of my failure! No! Maybe there’s a way to escape from it, there has to be! Well, I can’t stay here, that’s for sure. Reskar is not the place for me. They’ve already suffered enough for me." You might want to make that a little more stream of concious-like. For having just woken up from unconciousness, he is thinking very clearly and concisely.
One other thought, that i just came up with, is how was Kirshiess able to get to Reskar before Veil and have those be her intentions for going there? Just a thought that you may want to remedy, or perhaps I simply missed the explanation on that.
"It’s like this is all being built up in a way that I can’t ignore it, like my future is already set before me. I won’t stand for it! My life is what I make of it, not what others think I should be! If I must live in solitude the rest of my life, then so be it. I will not be ruled by others, or by this Destiny—I am my own master" I think you have the opportunity to play with the second name that you have given to Veil. The idea that he does not want to be destined for anything, and is the Destined, gives you quite a bit of room for some play on words if you would like to include it.
"He suddenly got an intense dislike for the particular tree he had been leaning against, and so he moved away to another tree, but soon found that he shared the same feeling with that one as well." Alright, I like the contrast between the still night and the sudden feeling, but "got an intense dislike" seems to bring the intensity of his feelings down, and does not engage the reader as well.
Very well done, the tug of war in Veil's mind. You did that exceptionally well, introducing it as perhaps something had changed and he was being attacted, and then gradually the reader comes to understand what has happened. Very, very well done.
It would seem that Jander is more than who he claims to be. Either way, I have a hard time believing that Veil could escape the gods, that somehow does not seem quite plausible. It would seem more likely that Jander is giving him somewhere to go in hopes that he is able to discover for himself what his destiny is, however the way you wrote it does not lend itself to that assumption.
You have quite the talent for creating names. From Thaxkar, to Jander to Kirshiess. It's very refreshing to have some new, unusual names. Good job.
Nice chapter, as usual. Until next chapter-