Oh no D: I didn't mean for you to rewrite it (sorry, I would have said this earlier, but you don't have your e-mail on your bio). I think it's a great idea, but you can fix the writing a bit; I don't want to stop you from writing your idea. Don't stop it now; keep on going, but keep my tips in mind for your future chapters. Once you're finished and have it all out of your system, go back to revise. If you stop to revise every chapter, you're never going to get it done. And you might lose your initial passion for your idea, which is bad. So don't stop, just keep going and be a bit more conscious of things I've pointed out :)

- hl

The opening imagery is nice, though I can't quite imagine how trees "dip". Meanwhile, you switch from present to past tense between the first paragraph and the second. I can tell that you're trying to imply that the island is still there and is still like that, but the switch is abrupt, and the same thing is conveyed if you have the whole thing in past tense. Also, the "That was, until now." seems a bit abrupt, too.

The whole setup of the scene is very rushed; also, the way you just toss in "But her sister had left...it was just too dark" is sudden and serves nothing to add to the story. It's like you're trying to create suspense and mystery, but it doesn't really work--and then you jump into describing what she's WEARING? What?

Anyway, you jump into an information dump in the first chapter. At least it's interesting information, but still, you should integrate it a little better into the story to make it better to read. Mickey's dialogue seems to be a bit forced in that you're trying to make him sound Irish, but not convincingly; it's kind of implied already that he speaks in an Irish accent, since he's Irish . . . Meanwhile, the way you make Mickey drag Brendan over to Scarlette is unrealistic, like you're just trying to do it to advance the plot and the action. And the kiss between them was so sudden, also; you hardly develop their characters and conflicts to make it interesting for the reader. YOU might find it cute and fun, but the reader barely knows these people.

The ending was a bit confusing as well, but I'm assuming that you did it for the sake of having a cliffhanger.

In any case, you have a lot of grammatical errors in here, as well as some typos. Pay attention to your punctuation. Also, try to develop your characters a bit more so that the reader is motivated to continue reading the story :) I'll be waiting for chapter two.

- hl

ah! how can you leave me there. I'm slowly dieing with not knowing the rest. Your a very nice writer. Good balance with everything.Very funny, in your desctriptions of people, and all. Very good. Write, now.

It's an interesting opening, but it leaves room for so much more. The way the fic leads up to the last line is pretty good; it could use some more detail, but hey, it's a prologue. The last line could pack some more punch, though; fix up the grammatical errors and try to add some more surprise and shock into it. I can't quite describe what I mean, but I hope you understand. Try reading it out loud, maybe?

Anyway, the fic sounds like an interesting idea. Hope you have chapter one up soon.

- hl

OMG!

THE INTENSITY!

THE HORROR!

THE PASSION THAT IS TO COME!

UPDATE SOON YOU CRAZY MUSTACHE WITH FEET!