This is excellent! You should really consider sending this to a publisher!

And so comes the end of the saga...

Good stuff: As before, your visual descriptions of the world as a whole are pretty good. One of the toughest parts of this kind of writing is action scenes; stuff like Chp 30 would have really benefitted from a visual source. I had a fairly good idea of what was happening, though it took a couple of readings for me to figure out how/why the attacks against Nephrita were so ineffective initially and how/why they were effective once the protagonists executed their plan.

Stuff to think about: The ending of Chp 30 kind of feels like a cheat; you set things up to make the reader think that Domino gave his last for the victory, but then around the beginning of 31, Niabi reverses that with his sacrifice. One of the themes in Chp 31 seemed to be that "everyone suffered some personal loss", but when you think about it, Damian and her friends really didn't seem to. All of them lived and from what we can tell, prospered in the end. Yes, you could argue that Damian suffered the loss of her father that started it all, but really that doesn't apply to these last 2-3 chapters.

I'm not saying that "doom-and-gloom" has to rule the day. Happy endings are just fine; in fact they're a staple to this genre of fiction. In terms of pacing though, if you're wanting to emphasize that wars are costly and victory isn't cheap, then maybe consider what I was suggesting last time and front-load the descriptions of casualties (ie, my previous comment about putting stuff in the "Long days passed...").

The story is also a little foggy on whether Damian remains a magician afterwards. Didn't her "special affinity" to magic come from Nephrita's presence? Does she still have that affinity w/o her? I was under the impression that for humans to wield magic in your world, they have to bond w/ a spirit.

Odds and ends: It does seem though that Nephrita's end was a tad easy. Just a dagger (and collateral wounding) and she's done? No mystic ceremony or banishment ritual or anything? Was she in fact a divinity or just a really powerful human? It would seem the latter, despite the descriptions calling her a "dark goddess".

Still, overall, a good read. If you are planning on progressing this story beyond this point, let me know and I'll offer what help I can.

Woot...! Damian's power is back. Now all she needs is a costume! :) (just kidding)

The first half of this chapter (and most of the previous one) had me a little concerned that things were getting a little slow; I found myself wanting to get back to Nephrita and that confrontation. Thankfully this episode gets them out of the castle and back on the road.

Part of me is thinking that there was a missed opportunity in the paragraphs beginning with "Long days drifted...". On the one hand, it seems like the story essentially says that the trio goes for days and days of riding with "nothing happening", and the carnage only being touched on a little. I was thinking that you could have written scenes (maybe even whole chapters) where Damian gets confronted w/ actual plots/villages/innocent victims that were "her fault" (ie, depending on how she envisions her role in Nephrita's release). At the minimum, I might have expected at least a perfunctory challenge to the Duke's writ of passage.

On the other hand, I appreciate that the Nephrita conflict is essentially kept front and center, so the above could be done either way. Kind of falls under the comment of whether or not to give Damian "something to do" I suppose.

The other question I was thinking was that I thought that in this world, a human could only use magic by forging a spirit bond and I was under the (apparently mistaken) impression that it was one-spirit to one human. By the end of this chapter, Damian seems to have a small army ready to go. Not a mistake per say, just caught me by surprise, and to be fair, the circumstances are set up as extreme enough where multiple spirits would be willing to throw in. The question of course is, after the fight (assuming Damian lives), whether she gets to keep all that power.

The last two episodes have kind of slowed down the pace for exposition and setup. As has been the case throughout, your descriptions are very thorough and colorful. The scene in the throne room is kind of a staple in a lot of fiction stories (where the authorities discuss a hero's worth/mission/future) and is very tough to do without slowing the narrative, and I think you did an OK job at it. I do hope that the next couple chapters show Damian's quest getting a big push forward.

Brilliant. I'd read further but I think that'd be suicide for my eyes.

I love all the mystery... everything fits fine (the whole dialogue tags flow now too), apart from Domino's amulet. You never mention why that might have affected the kromlins (sp?), and that's what's confusing. All the rest of the mystery surrounding him keeps the interest, it's just that part that doesn't quite go with the flow.

Otherwise... will read further soon.

I enjoyed this chapter a lot. Although I found it started awkwardly; she hears noises and suddenly there's monsters around, it seems a bit too sudden to be right, and I had to reread it to make sure that was really what you were meaning. But once she got up on the roof the story flew away and it was really captivating ^^ Her spurt of magic seemed rather random - it felt strange that she didn't wonder any further about it... or maybe she knew about it before, but then it's strange that it wasn't hinted at before.

Anyway, I'll shut up now and read further, then comment when this stuff clears up (I generally speak too soon about this stuff, when it's all explained in the next chapter XD!). Otherwise awesome.

This is really well written. It's easy to follow, comfortable to read and, as far as I can see, a good story.
The only things I have to comment are on your dialogues for one... they're fine, really. It's just the tags that go on and on, like, "concluded", "responded", "stated", etc. etc. ... it's tiring if you use them after every single statement (at least in the one-on-one conversations).
Otherwise, I like the psychological conflicts Damian is in... they're believable, that's why. I like her, because despite her blue hair and golden eyes she seems like a real person, and not somebody who's simpüly been imagined.
So yes, I think this is a really good piece of work! (At least the first chapter - I'll come back and read some more soon ^^!)
Moon's Poetess

Well once again you've written an amazing chapter and I'm quite happy that we have a new character. The description painted a clear picture (when it was supposed to) while avoiding becoming boring or redundant and the thoughts and actions of the characters was very realistic (and I'd say that this chapter excelled at character portrayal compared to your others even though they were good to begin with). I also very much liked how you wrote the almost-rape scene, making it disorienting without completely losing the reader/me. Looking foward to reading the next chapter as always!

Sorry I took so long again. School has been eating my time. Anyway, I liked this chapter, a lot. The characterization was incredibly realistic and, also, the actions of the townspeople and soldiers. The suspense at the end is very good and I didn't discover any akward word choices or phrases this chapter so I guess that's it (I'd leave a longer comment except I'm late for class). See ya next chapter!

Hi,

I've come to check out your story as promised. And yes, I have read the whole thing. I am a freakishly fast reader.

I'll start with the good. Your main strength is definitely your prose. Especially insofar as descriptions are concerned. I was very impressed when you described the garden in Graeme using specific flower and bird names (blue hydrangea, blackbirds, etc.) rather than just alluding to generic "flowers and birdsong." You maintain an excellent balance between dialogue, description, and action, which is very difficult - I know I have trouble with that.

Your dialogue is a bit weaker. It's functional but none of it is exactly quotable (no witty epigrams, profound philosophy or sassy little exchanges) and you really, really, really have to get rid of some of those dialogue tags (stated, announced, wondered, etc.) The thing is, if your dialogue is good enough (and yours is) it will be easy to deduct the speaker's action from it. Dialogue tags are just distracting and they generally restate the obvious. Ideally, in my opinion, you would just use "said" almost all of the time, "asked" and "replied" very occasionally, and qualitative tags like "screamed" and "whispered" when absolutely necessary, but that's all. Also, when only two characters are speaking, you don't need to use a tag for every single line. It should be easy to keep track of who is speaking.

The characters are a mixed bag, for me. You did a really good job with Garrick. He's cheerful and likeable, genuinely kind, unpredictable, and his history of depression gives him some depth. He could be fleshed out a bit more through attention to litle details; for example, when we first encounter him, you mention that he flirts with women. What does he say? Does he use really cheesy pick-up lines so that they laugh at him (but are secretly pleased)? Is he smoulderingly romantic or crude and raunchy? SHOW us! Instead of telling us! Other than that, he is, in my opinion, the best-developed character you have here.

Domino is all right, but his character development comes too late, towards the end of the story in fact. Damian falls in love with him right away, but we don't see why. At the beginning of the story, we barely see anything of him. We're told that he saves her life, that he's handsome and that he's nice to her. That's pretty much it. If your main character is going to fall in love with a character, we should also be allowed to fall in love with him, as the readers. In order to make that happen, I think you need to spend some time developing the journey they make together at the beginning of the story. I mean, he's a tough mercenary-type loner dude; doesn't it bother him to have a country girl tagging along with him, at least at first? She's just lost her family; won't she be grumpy, quiet, and push him away for a little while? Do they joke around? Do they ever argue? What do they talk about outside of plot-related matters? Spend some more time developing their relationship; it will make a huge difference.

Damian doesn't do it for me. I'm sorry to say this so bluntly. She has potential, but currently it's not being explored. Number one problem: she's too passive. She reacts to what other people do to her instead of taking positive action and making things happen. When other people attack her, she fights back, but she's not going to attack anyone. It wouldn't be nice of her to be aggressive, true; but must she really be nice all the time? If random people you've never seen before destroyed your family and your hometown, wouldn't you be ticked off? She's described as independent but she never supplies to her own needs; as soon as she's on her own, she gets in trouble, and someone else has to step in and help her. She gets angry at Garrick for leaving her and claims that he "used" her even though technically she led him on and pretended she was in love with him when she really cared only about Domino, which means that basically she's the one who used him. Currently, I do not find her sympathetic at all. I would suggest fleshing her out more, giving her some quirks and flaws, and perhaps letting her get captured or hurt or making her live on her own and try to provide for herself for a while.

The background characters suffer from a common problem: they're window-dressing. You have to remember as a writer that every single character who appears in your story has a story of their own in which they are the hero. They have family, friends, likes and dislikes, goals and philosophies. Currently most characters, the innkeepers, the peasants, the lowlifes who want to rape her, etc. exist only in relation to your main character, to help her or get in her way. Keep in mind that they have a life outside of your main plot. Also keep in mind that sometimes the handsome people will be the psychos, and the dirty hoboes the good guys! (Because there's a tendency here to make pretty characters nice and ugly ones evil - in real life someone like Garrick when Damian first meets him is much more likely to turn out a pervert than a stinky hobo drinking in an alley.) The one notable exception is your shaman and his little minions: I was really impressed that they turned around and became good by the end.

There were some anachronisms. I'm not sure about the anime-inspired elements. Keep the hairstyles of Damian and Nephrita if you want, but to introduce a "kitsune" (which is a Japanese word) in a predominantly Western fantasy is jarring. I would suggest at the very least changing the name.

Other than that, it's all good. This is definitely one of the best-written stories I have encountered here so far. As I've said, on the structural level there are some weaknesses, but it's nothing that can't be fixed with a good rewrite. You are very talented; I would definitely recommend you to keep working at it because I see eventual publishing potential here. Best of lucks!

Lucie

Kind of a transitional episode, but still good. I was a little surprised that you release Nephrita as quickly as you did (first mentioned in 16; released in 19), but that's probably a good thing, now that I think about it (keeps that plot element from dragging). Nephrita does seem a tad restrained in what she can do; for a "goddess of darkness", she's sure not wrecking much havoc :) Maybe all that time in Damian's leeched her strength some?

You do seem to be breaking some new ground, trying to make what in the general fantasy genre (evil gods) to be a conflicted or potentially sympathetic villain. I'm hoping that some of what Garrick apparently experienced gets filled in later as the narrative permits.

Wrapping up; so do we see a deepening in the relationship between Damian and Domino? Right now, all signs point to them eventually getting together for the long haul. Hopefully things work out for them.

Okay. I knew that was going to happen from the very beginning. I was intensely disappointed with the whole whatever with Garrick. Speaking of him, is he falling in love with a goddess? If he is, that would be interesting and kind of unexpected.

sorry I haven't reviewed in a while. Schoolwork kidnapped me... kinda. Anyway, on to your story.
Once again the description was beautiful. I don't know how you do it but it never seems too much and it paints an incredibly clear picture.
Specifically there are two metaphors I wanted to comment on. Firstly, the one about the syrup. Personally, I found it funny. The only thing is I'm not sure if that was intentional or not. If it was, good job! However, if you wanted a more serious tone you might want to drop/change it. Next, the fire metaphor was a tad cliche. To be completely honest, I would have done without it or tried to minimize its... "clicheness" in some way, shape, or form. On the other hand, it was an adequate metaphor and if you like it, by all means, keep it.
Overall, yet another great chapter with good characterization, description, and plot. I'll review the next chapter as soon as I am able (which will be soon, hopefully).

Offering some reciprocal R&R:

Your story is actually kind of similar in basic plot to mine (girl finds herself a child of destiny), though the genre is obviously different. I like how you balance the character story vs the world-building aspect, which is more of a challenge to do for a fantasy story vs a modern day story that I'm doing. On the latter, you manage to convey enough of the world as a whole without going overboard to the point of slowing the narrative and that's a good challenge.

The one thing that stuck out to me a little was the occasional use of anachronistic language; '**' in Chp 21 was the big one. Somehow occasionally breaks the fantasy aspect.

Otherwise, keep up the good work, and I look forward to your next chapter.

Sorry, I had this really, really long, good review for the chapter before last, but the stupid computer deleted the entire thing. Well, I had to leave the next day, so I never wrote it again. Let me say this, Chapter 21 needs serious help. I will rewrite it some time.
Damian is awake! Yeah, I was getting kind of bored with Domino and Garrick. Just kidding. That would never happen. I do feel kind of sorry for Garrick, but Domino wins my heart.
Anyway, I like that Nephrita and Damian finally fought, but so soon? That was a little odd.
I have a five page English paper to write, so I must go.