Reviews for Once A Slave - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Once A Slave - Reviews: Page 1 of 24

The Pixess 2008-06-05 ch 1,	abuseEven though you've taken down all but the first chapter, it's so enthralling I can't wait for it to appear at a bookstore near me! Congradulations! ^-^
orangesandmoons 2008-04-24 ch 1,	abuseI love this story, it has a beautiful flow to it and Lark seems like a very interesting character! When will the book be out and is there some way I could buy it coz I'm dieing to read more!
Naked Penguin Fetus For Pop... 2007-12-20 ch 1,	abuseCongrats on the publication! I can't wait to buy it when it's available.
pasify 2007-12-09 ch 1,	abuseYou know, at first when I saw your story rated as fantasy, I thought, "Oh man, this won't be interesting." but I read it anyway but little did I know that soon I was hooked onto your story and just can't stop reading! It's fantastic! Great job!
renru-no-ren 2007-11-23 ch 4,	abusethis really is a great story...but 345 reviews?! 0.0 well, here's 346, great story, update quickly, all that jazz.
intrested 2007-11-22 ch 4, anon.	abuseAt
intrested 2007-11-22 ch 1, anon.	abusedid you ever get this published if so can you email me the books information because i would like to buy it if possible.
mell8 2007-11-12 ch 4,	abuseI really like this and am wondering if you were ever able to publish it. I read your forward in the next story and there is clearly some major plot that I'm missing since it wasn't part of the four chapters you have posted. I would love to buy your book so I can read more of your story. If you weren't able to publish could you put the entire story back up on the site? Thanks!
HotTimali 2007-10-31 ch 1,	abuseHi :] I'm A Big Fan Of Your Story "Once A Slave" And Was Completely Shocked When I Couldn't Read Any More Than 4 Chapters! To My Knowledge, You Have Removed The Story For Publishing? I Just Wanted To Ask If There Was Any Way I Could Finish Reading BookI? Is There Somewhere Online Where I Could Order It Or Anything Cos I Would Totally Buy It! Or Can You Send Me A Link? Please Respond Because I've Fallen In Love With Your Characters And Want To Know What Happens After The Fourth Chapter. W/B Please ♥ x x x
Narc 2007-09-17 ch 1,	abuseSo I read in your forum that you're struggling to publish, and I thought I might look at your first chapter and see what suggestions I can offer. I'm not pretending to be an expert, since I've never even tried to get published, but I have haunted agent blogs and writings sites for a while, so maybe I can be of some help. The reason why I'm focusing on the first chapter is because novels usually get rejected on the first page. Right away the first thing I notice is present-tense. Not that you can't get a book published in present-tense, but it's fairly uncommon and you're probably going to find a lot of agents/publishers who won't even consider it. Your dialogue is good, later on. But again, there's that lack of white space. When Thadyn's telling Lark what to do, it shouldn't be all on one line. Separate the paragraphs into separate actions. Lark putting the book down and thinking about how hot he is shouldn't be with the bit with the egg. You start off with a lot of description, which doesn't work well as a hook. That, and there's very little white space, which decreases readability. Think about how long your paragraphs are on a computer screen, and then translate that to a standard paperback novel. Some of your paragraphs will be taking up full pages. So much of the description is just set-up and setting, but isn't really relevant. My suggestion? Cut to the chase and start with the auction as it's happening. It's kind of neat how you did the exchange between the auctioneer's dialogue and the slave's inner dialogue, but it sucks for readability when put in one paragraph like that. Someone considering your story will be reading it fast, as part of a slush pile. Long paragraphs are going to turn them away because it simply makes it harder to skim. For the most part, it's fairly well-written. But publishing a book isn't just about good writing in terms of the technical aspects. I think if you're serious about publishing it might be worth checking out some agent blogs that are out there. They can give you a good idea of some of the things that will turn them off right away. Anyway, I hope this was helpful, at least somewhat.
Opal Rose 2007-08-22 ch 23,	abuseFirst of all, if I read this in an actual book instead of online, I would love the ending just because it leaves so loose ends, and you can go with whatever you think will happen. Second, this is amazing. Totally and completely amazing. With the magic, and the characters, and everything...I love it. I suck at reviews, so I'm gonna stop before I say the same thing 20 more times. But really. Amazing.
Empty-Fishbowl 2007-08-21 ch 23,	abuseWOW, I love your story. It really keeps you going. Can't wait to read the second. ~Charlie
acduetry 2007-08-14 ch 6,	abuseI hope this works... I'm glad I'm not annoying you (yet)! Today is my last day of freedom and I have decided to spend it reading your work ^_^ Hm I noticed that fictionpress deleted my comment for chapter two...I had something after I declared my love for Schaff. I don't recall if it was anything important. For some reason I want to say cows. Oh yeah! In the first chapter, I think it was, Lark mentions how he hates cows. Then later he's obviously knowledgeable about them. So does he hate farm animals and farm work simply because it reminds him of what he lost? Yes I never fail to find random theories behind every punctuation mark... And Mrs. Herion seemed like a fairly regular customer in the 2nd chapter but we never hear about her again. I like her; she should come yell at Schaff every once in a while ;) Oh and wasn't there something about lovestones? Grr I can't remember anything else. CHAPTER 6 The first time we encountered the Green Mage, I thought he had a rather acute case of -itis. But after reading your short spin off story about him, I’m finding it harder to hate him (though I still think he has -itis). Oh right he has a son. I had completely forgotten about that. Will he be mentioned again? I'm curious about this curse he has cast on him. It seems like it's the norm for Mages to have assistants. And Besteth's is female, that's interesting. Can women be Mages in this universe? I remember Thadyn mentioned some kind of witch. There are some typos here and there...easily fixed :D I really like this chapter btw pervs on Lark
acduetry 2007-08-13 ch 5,	abuseSo Calae says her daughter was under a black curse. Will we find out who cursed her? And why curse a baby? And it's never really made clear if the villagers know that Sactaren might want to have sex with Lark. I remember that Naeven threatens Lord Irra with taking his son away as retribution and here Calae mentions screams but nothing is concrete. Do the villagers just tiptoe around the issue for the sake of Lark's feelings? I like the part where Sactaren tells Lark stories about the Kings and the raven. I don't remember if the Kings are mentioned again or not but it shows that there is a system to this world.
acduetry 2007-08-13 ch 4,	abuseraises hand I second Lark's opinion of squirmy things...blegh! This is another one of those little things I love knowing about characters. But, I can be an obsessive reader so don't mind me ;) I think there's an inconsistency with the Drakling feeding scenario, or maybe something that just needs to be clarified. Sactaren tells Lark that they have to be fed by hand or else they fight but in a later chapter he says something like - oh hold on I'll go look for it...elevator music plays “You know, you don’t have to feed them by hand.” I glance over at Sactaren, standing in front of the fire in just his ripped and stained trousers, his golden skin glowing like sunset reflected in the still waters of a mountain lake. “I guess I forgot to tell you. This young, they’re not strong enough to hurt each other, so you can just toss a couple of handfuls in. Just go back in a little while and pick out any they didn’t eat.” There it is. So yes I'm not sure about the Draklings. It might just be me and my density again. Oh something I never noticed before. Wearing shoes makes Lark taller? So then they must be pretty close to the same height in the absence of shoes. muses I like that... Lark, Lark, my naive Lark. It made me feel so sorry for him that he had to blame his attraction to Sactaren on a spell! It was a nice touch, adds realism.

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