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| Liviania 2006-04-28 ch 2, | abuseOh, great beginning! I'm already drawn into the characters-everything is so odd, I can't help but want to know what's going to happen! Livi |
| Jeoal 2006-04-15 ch 1, | abuseYou gave me the link to this a bit ago and now I’m finally here to bore you with my thoughts on it. (as per your request – just keep that in mind, if they get to be too long-winded or stupid. ;-p) Awesome. So here we go. I immediately like the voice of your narrator. He’s definitely a down-to-earth kind of guy who’s just trying to get by in life. Not asking for much outside some milk and a lack of stubbed toes. I get a feel that you’ve put some of your thoughts in his head, which I like because it makes him more personable and realistic. Lines like: [I reached for the carton and grabbed a glass from the cabinets above. Little successes always feel better than nothing.] (the little successes part) and [just in time to avoid some ** teenage driver who must’ve thought he was invincible.] fit him so well and pull me in because I have definitely thought things like that before. I’m sure a lot of people have/will, and it’s great that you’ve captured life like that. In just those little lines, even. It’s all over in the story. Life, I mean. [The building, dark brick and surrounded by streetlamps, wasn’t too far away. The Philadelphia Police Department. The men with no time for small talk. These cops had a reputation for hot-blooded behavior. Last year, three or four of them stopped some kid in a hot car. Instead of just taking him in, they got into a nice little brawl, three against one. The kid was in the hospital for about a month. They got off with a demotion and a pay-cut.] Haha, is it bad that I laughed at your characterization of the police? It was awesome (/accurate, in a lot of cases). I really like that you set them up like that, and man if there aren’t police like that all over the place. (sounds like you took that part right out of reality, too) [Then, he stretched out his hand to shake mine. His eyes reflected only cool fascination, which unnerved me then, and even now.] Oh that’s cool. I like that detail about his character. Seems to set the tone of him very well. :-) [One of the problems with us was that she was always so careful. She never wanted to say anything that would hurt anyone’s feelings. I hated that. I prefer to tell it like it is whenever possible. It saves future headaches and cures foot-in-mouth disease, when it’s not causing it. She couldn’t stand that. Sometimes, when she knew I couldn’t say anything nice about something, she’d give me this withering look that shut me right up.] I’m wondering what happened to Greg’s parents. But along the same vein, I am really liking this structure you have going on…what with the sort of flashback/remembrance at the beginning and then the present day happenings afterward. It seems like it’s two stories that will eventually run into one, in some big way. You can already see where some things are connected, but there are still so many questions and loose ends; I’m interested to read more and find out what the bigger picture is. [Those eyes saw everything; saw through the whole rest of the world. And, you know what? I think he might’ve scared Mason a little. From what I could see.] There’s nothing like a weirdly intense kid to get your attention. I wonder how he got to be that way (so grown-up…but there’s more to it than just that, I think – it’s a bad term to use to generalize him, but I’m not sure what I could use that would be better at the moment). I love that he scared this big police detective. Cute. :-D [Myer clutched my hand in his. It felt like he was going to break it.] Again – he’s an interesting kid/character. He must look young, while everything else about him isn’t. That’s what it seems like. I don’t know many twelve-year-olds who could give that kind of feeling to an adult (the whole ‘let go, my hand’s gonna break!’ feeling). But maybe Myer is just big for his age or something, or very robust. Or there’s something different about him. Not sure. Guess I’ll just have to wait and see. So there we are. :-) Hope I said something that wasn’t a waste of time. Keep it up, Spider. |
| xanthofile 2006-04-03 ch 2, | abuseoh, i'd kill to know where you came up with this idea. *sharpening the ol' hatchet now* now i'm full of questions and no answers, and i'll be awaiting the next update with...with...a lot of anxious waiting. yeah. |
| Stars and Ashes 2006-04-03 ch 2, | abuseI love the mood your story creates. I hope you don't mind me asking, but what happened to Sidekick? I was totally in love with that story, though I love your new username just as much. |