Way to finish up! It's always way more satisfying to have something finished, so good for you! Congratulations!

Hm ... So, why was Kendall able to offer that kind of help? There was nothing said before hand to indicate that she had that kind of influence.

Also, the part where the cargo was stolen - one sentense like 'Pirates got me' would have helped out a lot.

Why would he get sued? Wasn't the cargo insured if it was THAT valuable?

Writing Science fiction is extremely challenging, because you really have to make up the setting for your readers - otherwise they might not know what you mean, but I think you've done an extremely good job for a first time try. I have a Sci-fi piece that I've been working on for three years and it still needs a lot of love because the setting is so hard to write.

If I were to give you some advice, just as an exercise, I'd take this chapter and do a word count - if it's 1500 words - then keep writing it - without adding any more plot to the end of the chapter - until it's 30 words. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised as to how much clearer the action can be.

But I have to say that I'm admiring your plot diagram. It seems like it's going to work well.

Now in order to make this story perfect for the final chapter, you'll need to explain how all the things Kendall says about Max can be fixed with Rob. K? That might be challenging - Good luck!

Hiya Kaytala! I have two pieces of constructive criticism and two pieces of praise - I'll do the criticism first.

Okay, in your opening paragraph, I always use a rule that the first time you mention or refer to anyone at the beginning of a new chapter you MUST use their name. In the opening sentense preferably. You use the word 'they' at first and then you clarify later in the paragraph. It's not a big deal though, I would just recommend changing 'they' for 'he and Kendall'.

The second thing is the communication with Gerald Hansen - the note. Remember that thing about paddling and rowing? This is like that - except backwards. Professionally, I'm a business woman, and this sort of thing just doesn't fly. I realize this is supposed to be a fun piece, so there's no reason to make it what the real business world is like, but I think this part may need to be revamped to make it credible. If you're interested in suggestions, I could certainly help out. However, if this is REALLY just for fun, then don't listen to me at all and just continue on.

Good points - your dialogue is really fresh and cute. I like how you quip.

And your way of naming places is quite fun and friendly. I like your names for the planets and stuff. I always find that sort of thing very challenging and I like how you took the bull by the horns.

Loads of Love,

Sapphirefly

This is starting to become a cross between the Phule books and a romance novel about a million-dollar-man. I can't say I'm not interested. It's a combo I never would have thought of.

However, Ms. Kendall has obviously never heard of the words 'Public Relations'.

Don't listen to me, honey. You're very cool and I'm very jaded.

Wow. This may be your best one yet! lol, this is funny. I got confused about the distance between New Earth and Terren 5. Seemed a bit of contradiction, or maybe I misread. Otherwise, this is an excellent story.

Your dialogue is extremely crisp, and the story seems to be going along nicely. Six or seven parter? Go hard my girl. Go hard! I'll root for you from here ^_^!

If there was one thing I'd complain about, it's the lack of description for Kendall. Max is described in personality in the first chapter, and that's good, a physical description of him is hardly necessary since it's from his point of view. But since he sees Kendall, I thought there might be a bit of a physical description for her. It wouldn't have to be much. You could say she had a friendly handshake or a cute smile. It might be stupid as well, but I'd give Rob a description too. Like what the speaker his voice comes out of in each room, or a little light that blinks when he speaks. It's not necessary though, and I'm probably going off on my own thing.

But I think this story is good. I'm interested as to what will happen next.

"If I died, she'd be free for man or machine ... Or a machine!"

I thought it was more interesting than I was expecting considering the lack of romance (which I usually find interesting). The characters seems concrete in your mind as you proceeded. If I could suggest anything, I would suggest that Robin didn't get much of an introduction considering this is only going to have four chapters. Chapter one: introduce the characters. Chapter two: introduce the problem. Chapter three: Heighten the tension. Chapter four: Wrap it up. Like that, except maybe not exactly. Anyway, I think you have started a good thing. Go HARD!