"It had rained the night before but the midday sun had dried up all the evidence of that"

VS

" It had rained the night before but the midday sun had dried up all the evidence."

"She was pleasantly dressed in an emerald green Victorian style dress, with a white lace trimming resting on the edges. She wore an emerald ribbon in her hair as an accent and long black knee high riding boots." = random lines describing the character and stopping the flow of your story.

"She hated lying to them, but they just would not understand. All they seem to care about is turning her into a lady, and as far as they are concerned ladies don’t race. That is a sport left to the men." = this is yelling to the reader "FEISTY PRINCESS WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE STEREOTYPE!" and is also pointing out that sexism is bad. No duh. "Squee! Lets slap on some random little line that secretly means 'sexism is bad'!" dude, it's no secret.

"If she had only known what she was about to lean she would have known that she would have had a better day if she had skipped her lessons."

VS

"If she had only known what she was about to learn she would have known that she would have had a better day if she had skipped her lessons."

"These subjects she leaned about by means of experiments and spending time with the house-hold servants." = This also screams to the reader "FEISTY PRINCESS WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE STEREOTYPE!"

"On the way to the library Jane noticed her parents were already in the large room and apparently having a serious conversation from the looks on their faces. Out of curiosity she snuck as close as she could to the open doorway where she quietly crouched just out of sight but not out of ear shot." = it is a one in a million chance that you are going to stumble upon a conversation that is actually about you. But no, she just HAS to stumble upon a conversation that is just coincidentally about her. Well isn't this just conveniant for the protagonist?

So Jane is twenty-three yet the way you seem to portray her is as a young fourteen year old. she doesn't want to do her studies, she wants to have fun and can't seem to handle responsibilities.

"Suddenly feeling extremely rebellious and feisty Lady Jane stormed in to the large room consistently stomping her feet as she walked to make as much noise as possible so that her parents could not possibly notice that she was in the room." = hey, you just proved me right about Jane being the "FEISTY PRINCESS WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE STEREOTYPE!"

“How dare you both plan my life!” = this line also points to the "FEISTY PRINCESS WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE STEREOTYPE!" and also the overly-used plot of princesses having their life set out for them or gets betrothed or has a need to be married, getting angry and leaving for an adventure.

"she is shy in comparison to Jane’s boldness" = points to the "FEISTY PRINCESS WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE STEREOTYPE!"

"One hour and a countless number of trees latter"

VS

"One hour and a countless number of trees later"

"Beth, contrasting Jane, has a pale complexion. One could say Beth is the exact opposite of Jane, she is shy in comparison to Jane’s boldness; she has long blonde hair which she keeps in a tight bun, Jane has long wile black hair in which she lets flow free; Beth’s eyes are clear blue where as Jane’s are a shadowy green." = a quick way to cram both characters' descriptions down the readers' throat. you have just shattered the flow of your story, once again.

“I... I… I…….. Am to be married… And by the end of the year!” = i have, once again, been proven RIGHT. About the overly-used plot and stereotypes.

So Beth always knew yet she kept it hidden. This proves just how dumb Jane's friends are. "Duh lets keep vital information away from the protagonist so that we can makesure she has a heartbreaking fit and therefore a problem for the stor-ee..." i've seen this many times, all with the same purpose.

“May I ask who your betrothal isdo you know him?"

VS

“May I ask who your betrothal is? Do you know him?

Well i have to go. I'll keep reading this chapter later from :“I... I… I…….. Am to be married… And by the end of the year!”

Yeah, this isn't a flame by the way. Just an opinion and some spelling and typo pointing out.

Is this a childrens book? Did you try to make this VERY original?

reply to this review would be great

~lu

o...k...

if you do that at the start of every one of your stories, you're going to scare people off.

~lu

wow great descritions ^ ^. I like it !

Please return the favor and r&r my story Frogs , Warts and Kisses ! Thank you ::bows::

I should mention, because you mention wanting to eventually be published at the start of this story, that the vast majority of publishers will count something that has been put on the web as published already. It's okay to have one chapter up as a 'teaser' but putting the whole thing up, even as an early draft, is a very bad idea.

I would suggest looking into a writing workshop of some sort, online or offline, (if online, somewhere where your work is password-protected so only members of the group can see it).

The reason for this is that you need a lot of editing done. There are tons of typos here - mostly things that your spellchecker will not pick up, for example, in the very first paragraph:

It was a warm day; the whether was neither scorching nor chilly

(which should be 'weather')

or 'horse back' instead of 'horseback'

Another example 'Therefore this meant tons of lesions'

These are very distracting sorts of mistakes (particularly things like 'lesions'). I would suggest you take the time to thoroughly read over your work looking for these sorts of problems. You also seem to have a consistant misspelling 'minutes' as 'minuets'. If you have trouble picking these kind of things up, you could just get a friend to read it over for you.

A writing workshop could help with other problems. The main pitfalls I see you falling into are infodumping, and cliche.

Infodumping, particularly in the first part of a book, is including large amounts of information which do not further the plot. This can come in the form of listing, like:

'Jane had classes covering the subjects of dress codes, tea time, ceremonies, cultures, languages, cooking, cleaning, sewing, trade, and management.'

or overdetailed descriptions of minor things, like:

'The stables were behind and to the left of the main house. Inside there are forty two stalls for horses, with three large rooms one for the staff headquarters, one for feed and riders supplies and one for the various cleaning supplies. The colorings of the establishment being dark brown and brick while the smell besides the horses were of the honey suckle that were planted surrounding the out side of the stables. This of course was done so to mask the dirty smell on those windy days that come around.'

These break up the flow of your story. What should be important is why Jane is going to the stables, not how many stalls there are. You might include the bit about the honeysuckle, by saying something like 'the scent of the honeysuckle planted about only half-masked the smell of the stables' (because I do think that is a nice detail to note, in passing, and more interesting then how many stalls there are or what colour the paint is)

(I also note in this quote you seem to have a tendency to split words into two, like 'honey suckle' for honeysuckle, and 'out side' for outside. When checking over your work you might want to watch for that).

Cliche: This can be a difficult one. You have to try and make sure you have something that sets your particular story and characters out from all the rest. In this first chapter we have; the main character learns a marriage has been arranged for her and decides to run away. That's a fairly common plotline, and often the cliche version is marked by the fact that the character has never considered the possiblity of an arranged marriage. Your plot may get more complicated later on but it's the beginning of the book that has to _sell_ your story. People do and will stop reading quickly. If I'm in a bookstore I will pick something up and skim just the first page, if I don't like that first bit I'll put it right back down.

So in the first bit you need some sort of hook; a plot hook, an emotional hook, something to set Jane aside from all the other characters in fantasy who are young nobles who don't want an arranged marriage.

Luckily, you do have something here to work with; what I would start with is: what does Jane want? Clearly, she does not want to marry Brian, but what is she planning on doing with her life?

She seems to love her horse and riding, so perhaps it is that Jane doesn't really want to get married yet, and she wants to compete in some famous riding competition in the Kingdom, or travel to a particular place which is known for its horses, or take up horse-breeding.

So here is a possible hook scene: Jane is, before her lessons, daydreaming of her future plans, perhaps talking them over with Beth, and wondering what the best way would be of asking her parents for permission, if there's any way they'd let her do it, where it is studying under a famous instructor, or spending the summer in a foreign city, or entering the race.

Then she has to go back for lessons (does she have a favourite lesson? Perhaps, dreaming of her future travel, she likes languages, but hates cooking), and she sees her parents talking, but maybe doesn't overhear the conversation. Perhaps her mother acts strangely when she comes up to tell Jane off for dawdling in the gardens and being late, or looks upset. (Build up the tension a bit; have your reader wondering)

Then have her find out; perhaps Beth learns about it from another servant, perhaps she goes to talk to her father and sees something on his desk that makes her wonder, perhaps she finds out only that Brian is going to visit, and then finds her mother going through her wedding-chest, and puts two and two together.

(Or, I might ask, if the arranged marriage part is really necessary, or just a reason to get Jane out into the world where she needs to go for the sake of her plot. If so, you might want to consider other plot devices, perhaps having her already aware but desperately trying to think of ways to further prolong the time she has before the wedding, or something else to change it from the normal 'arranged marriage plot')

Also, the footnotes are unnecessary. The vast majority of people will (or should) know what trot, gallop, mare etc, mean, especially if they read a lot of historically-set fantasy which tends to have a lot of both horses and chambermaids.

Things I do see as being good possiblities to build on:You have what looks like, even with the little we're given, a good, sympathetic relationship between Jane and her mother that you could build on; it seems like her mother does baby her a bit, maybe. Was her parents' marriage also arranged? If so, her mother may understand quite well what Jane is going through and want to talk to her about it.

Also, the possiblity for a good relationship between Beth and Jane. Jane seems to be a bit rash and Beth can be the calming, common-sense influence on her.

The honeysuckle about the stables - that's a sweet detail which I've already mentioned - and the muddled writing down of the plan at the end.

I hope you find at least some of this advice useful; good luck for your continuing projects. :)