|Reviews for The Eternal Flame: The New World|
| felicia13 7/11/07 . chapter 15
Hi-yah! Cliffhanger in the face! But I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.
Lovely chapter, filled with mystery, suspense, and plot. Heavy emphasis on the mystery. No one really knows what's going on ... do you even know what's going on? Exactly.
In any case, I wish you the best of luck with a new chapter of something ... prolly PQ. I was thinking and the sequel to Q (which'll probably never happen) would be called QS, which would be weird. It'd be better if it was PS, but ... no.
I saw your profile and long chapters DO make me cry. Thanks for keeping my feelings in mind when writing.
| felicia13 4/9/07 . chapter 14
Great, great ending. That's what I have to say to this chapter. It's just such a great cliffhanger, even though nothing too terribly exciting happened in the chapter. It's so perfect that I want to scream. Or maybe cry. Or maybe vomit. (I really don't feel well)
Um, you do know that the chapter still says it's unedited, right? Just thought I'd check. Otherwise, I'm reviewing the wrong chapter (sadly).
Darkness isn't so cool when killer vines are trying to ... well, kill you. Star and Craft always amuse me. They're just so ... uncharacteristically evil. Given the choice, they wouldn't be doing what they're doing, but gratitude is a powerful bond and they're stuck with the "unknown" evil mastermind. Heh. I know who it is ... *grins at unknowing readers*
The thing I wanted to say in the RW review was ... KunesaXMilo 4EVA! YEAH! Sailor love! *laughs*
*kiss* Good luck with KK, love.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka 4/9/07 . chapter 14
It'll be kind of fun if Star and Craft combine and merge into a single entity valled Starcraft.
| Anters 3/20/07 . chapter 14
For a non-betaed chapter, I only noticed one typo, impressive. I manage, like, millions...
This was an enjoyable chapter, although it seemed a few things were slightly unnecessary, merely the fact the temple has a certain number of floors, yet we rushed through nearly all of them, and focused on very few. It does not take away from anything; it was just something I noticed for my attempt at constructive criticism. :)
It was an awesome chapter as always, love and hate how you always leave us hangin' at the end! I look forward to the next chapter.
| Anya Tempest 3/15/07 . chapter 14
Cool chapter - I never noticed any typos either. Nice plot-thickenng at the end
| Solemn Coyote 3/8/07 . chapter 7
And I'm back. Well, sort of. I should be doing homework. Only I'm not.
1) I'm a little bit surprised by all the Starcraft references. Which is weird. Considering the chapter title. I think, normally, I'd object to the heavy-handedness of some of the references (craft, mengsk, and tarsona together are a lot more obvious than if there were just one of those names), however I'm sorta glad that computer games are becoming an acceptable thing to allude to.
2) I have to say, this chapter flows really well. There aren't really many places where the size of the words bog down the story.
The master peered at it. “Her name is Kunesa, evidently.”" Nice bit of humor, even if it was a little unexpected.
4) This is shaping into something progressively more epic. I do have to warn you, though, against DragonBallZ-ification. If you scale the heroes up in power, you have to scale the villains up with them. Then, when the heroes conquer that batch of villains, you have to scale the next batch up even higher...etc. Sometimes it can make it a lot harder for the reader to suspend disbelief when there's no upward ceiling on the power of your characters. I'm not asking you to change your plot, mind, I'm just saying that you might have to spend even more time on character developement to keep them believeable.
5) Very solid chapter. I look forward to learning more about Craft. She strikes me as the most interesting as the bunch (if only 'cause she's an obvious foil for Kunesa, double swords and all.)
| Anters 3/3/07 . chapter 13
Awesome work on this WyrdWolf! I find myself greatly engrossed into your story in this particular section, and I can only come up with the fact that I've not read something so fantastic and attention getting in a while, since I'll I've been reading are pointless school books latley.
So, I am tired to the point that my customary cunstructive critisim is very lackluster, so I can't say I found many mistakes in anything other then one or two spelling errors and Press's tendency to split paragraphs up, to no fault of your own. Also, I think I was way to caught up in the story again.
It was pretty kewl actully, your story is so memorable, after a few sentences of reading the 11th Chapter, the whole story lit up for me again. I must say, I'm lovin' this story much more, and I hope I can keep on it in the future!
So, as always, amazing work! Love it.
| Solemn Coyote 2/25/07 . chapter 6
Okay, it's taken me slightly longer than expected to get back to reviewing. School's been crazy.
1)"The roaring sound of multiple cries snapped Kunesa’s head upward." 'roar' and 'cries' put together like that are a little bit redundant.
2)"A lit home near the entry was all she could see upon turning around to discern the noise’s origin." I think 'entrance' might work a bit better here, since it's describing the city. I usually associate 'entry' with smaller things, like doors or caves.
3)"Something called her toward Portensa with insistency." Usually, adverbs can help make a sentence more active. If you changed this to "Something called her insistanly toward Portensa", it would be a bit more powerful.
4)"You mustn’t use your jitsu. There are too many residences about." Since this is a combat situation, you might want to shorten your dialogue a little bit. It's impractical to be so formal at a time like that. Unless, of course, it's a character trait.
5)"He fell, sword jumping out of his hands." nice.
6)"soon relinquishing to be rushed ahead with Noca and slicing into another magistrate’s side." 'Relinquishing' means giving something up, usually reluctantly, so it should work here. However, the wording isn't quite right. I'd reccommend 'withdrawing' instead, or '. Soon they were relinquished, rushed ahead, and sliced into another magistrate's side."
7)“I suppose…” Kentir began, pausing at the grisly sight of another pair of men falling with a twirl of Noca’s staff, “that his quest came to fruition.” The mix of combat and observation is pretty cool.
8)"Interlaid stone blocks comprised it." 'comprised' is one of those words that sounds like it'll be a really good replacement for 'made', but it really doesn't work that way. It's good if you want to be technical, but it really doesn't work in too many other situations.
9)"I understand not what went through your mind to attack an innocent pair of women." I like how the two innocent women just scattered corpses on the ground. Chivalry can be weird, sometimes.
10) "Archers would sidle into the strips between the house and pick off the enemy from their hovels." I've always used 'hovel' for a rundown house or shack. Can it be used for alleyways?
11)"The last voice made Kunesa perk up ever so slightly, the oddfamiliarity getting the better of her." 'odd familiarity'
12)"Her heartbeat, oddly enough, remained metrical, body staying void of a surge of adrenaline that would be a curse in a situation such as this." Experiment with that sentence a bit. The use of biology is kinda cool, but you might want to shorten it a little.
13)“He’s lost his mind, Kentir!” The sequence that followed this was really well done. I liked the interplay of dialogue and thought, and Rikon's spit made for a much more realistic punch.
14) Keep writing.
| Solemn Coyote 2/12/07 . chapter 5
It's been a while, but I'm finally back to reviewing.
1)"Kunesa was suddenly shamed at her childlike thinking." 'childish thoughts' maybe?
2)"With the entirety of his generation deceased," Back when I used to focus on word-length in my stories, 'entirity' and 'deceased' were personal favorites. 'entirity' is a good word for scholars, or anyone who's trying to be poetic. It's a lay-on-the-ground-and-stare-up-at-the-stars kinda word. 'deceased' is a more official word for 'dead'. It makes sense in a criminal investigation, or when used by lawyers. 'generation' has a much wider scope than just 'family' or 'siblings' or 'peers'. 'generation' means just about everyone in the same age bracket. What you have here works, but I think "with the rest of his family dead" would be better.
3)"Infamousness being an understatement, the enraged husband reacted murderously to this unearthing." Generally, using gerunds instead of verbs will make a sentence more passive. If you wanted this to be more active, you might try "The enraged husband reacted murderously when he unearthed her secret."
4)"Thus commenced Kunesa’s first true friendship." If you have the time and inclination, you might want to try a brief writing exercise. Envision a scene (preferably a short one), and then write it in your usual style. Then, once you're done, write it again with simpler words. Compare the two scenes. You might find there are places where the long words work really well. However, you might also find that there are places that flow a lot better with simple words. The point of the exercise is just to get accustomed to switching between the two.
5)"She dropped to her knees, her swords clanking and bouncing upward at the impact and her palms firmly hitting the ground. Her long brown hair fell messily around her head as she began to sob quietly to herself." Nice. The character developement is making Kunesa a lot more interesting. Which, I suppose, is the whole point.
6)"A dress of the same design but of a light blue color was worn by her, both having been found in Morta’s quarters." That alsmost shifts into present tense. You might want to say "She was wearing a dress of the same design but of a lighter blue color. Both had been found in Morta's quarters."
7)"O Flame, take us, take us to the city of Portensa. Transport us swiftly and silently" All of a sudden, I'm a little bit distrustful of the thing. I guess the scariest possibility for the story would be if the Flame had an agenda of its own.
8)"the trio’s hushed breathing awkwardly loud in the still hours of darkness." 'was awkwardly loud'
9)Miko and Kentir's reunion flows pretty well. Nicely done.
10)“You must take this declaration back.” Too formal. Kentir's offended. "Take that back." feels like it would work a little bit better. But, I suppose, Kentir is a pretty formal guy.
11)"These cynics think I killed him without provocation!" I dunno if 'cynics' is the right word. I mean, sure, they might be. But that doesn't have too much to do with whether they saw Saya get attacked.
12) Interesting developements. I can only guess at what's behind it, but I look forward to reading more. Keep writing.
| Spirit Tigress 2/4/07 . chapter 1
I hope you can write this through. This might seem like a long method to use but, it should work. Try writing outlines for your chapters. I'LL BE READING!
| Solemn Coyote 1/23/07 . chapter 4
Alright. I'm back. Here's another review. By the way, if I'm completely wrong about something, don't hesitate to send me a message. I seem to be nitpicking more as of late.
1)Okay, just for the sake of comparison, I'm going to throw this out there. "The process of finalization took a good half hour. As Kunesa rose she was stricken with cramps in her lower back and legs, pushing her back into a sitting position." compare with "It took a good half an hour to finish the papers. When Kunesa was done, she tried to stand. Her lower back cramped and her legs buckled. She slumped back into her chair." Now, I'm not going to harp on word length again. Instead, I'm going to focus on active v passive voice. Basically, when you say someone 'was doing' or 'had done', the 'to be' verb slows the sentence down a little. Sometimes this is good. A lady could say "I will be waiting beneath the arbor," to her gentleman companion if she wants to talk with him later. However, if that gentleman was fleeing the city, he might say "I will wait beneath the arbor." Now, something like cramps strikes suddenly (especially if it makes people fall back into their chair). It's more of an "Ow! Frick! I've got cramps!" than it is an "I'm getting cramps slowly." The message here is: if you're writing something active, try to keep it in the active voice. Unless, of course, you have a reason to do otherwise.
2)"And then, all hell broke loose." Nice transition, from boring clerks to chaos.
3)"People were stampeding like elk. The fallen were trampled like grass beneath the fleeing nobles’ feet. Blood was running across the marble floor." Another interesting touch of realism. People don't act rationally in a blind panic.
4)"Kunesa felt blood spray across the front of her kimono as she fell back from the force of the impact." I like the littel bits of Japanese culture that are getting mixed into an otherwise predominantly Western fantasy world.
5)"leaning over like a person rests after they have run a long way." Nice personification on the building.
6)9/11 paralells in the destruction of the castle? Maybe? I sort of hope not, because mixing present day events into fantasy can sometimes wreck a story. Then again, fantasy is a mirror to the world, so reflecting certain themes might not be a bad idea.
7) Interesting concept. Usually fantasy worlds dive headlong into war. In this case, they're trying to forestall one. Again, your realism is refreshing.
| Solemn Coyote 1/20/07 . chapter 3
Back on this reviewing wagon I go.
1)"She was facing south, Portensa only a few hours away." That's kind of a cool opening for a chapter. A lot of writers just use local landmarks or nearby countries when they have to talk about directions.
2)"The blades glinted in the ubiquitous sunlight," Um, 'ubiquitous' might not be exactly the right word here. If there isn't "full sunlight to heat the earth," the light's probably not going to be ubiquitous. Also, 'ubiquitous' has a slightly negative connotation. Like, it's annoyingly easy to run into it. I dunno if that really works for sunlight on a cold day.
3)"allowing insight as to Portensa’s massive size." Insight suddenly gives someone a hidden bit of wisdom. The sheer mass of a city isn't really going to be hidden, and it's probably going to emerge out of the distance gradually. Not all in one go.
4)"Ridges columns supported the second floor ceiling." 'ridges of columns', maybe? I'm a little confused by this sentence.
5)"There was no whoosh andno flash of light," Good. Flashy teleports are over-done. Also, 'and' and 'no' are getting a little too friendly with each other.
6)“This is what we must amend,” This is one of the places where your upgraded vocabulary works. It sounds a little stiff and formal, but the connotations are right.
7) I'm not sure what to think about the Myra thing. First off, Erun sounds like he got whatever was coming to him. Sounds like being a guardian went completely to his head. Secondly, the letter to Mrs. Nauta was well-written. It was a little stilted and formal, but that makes sense. It was written by a group of people who had never met the woman. However, I can see Myra's reaction going either of two ways. Either she's grateful to be cured, which was the way you wrote it, or she's angry at the flame and it's guardians for getting her husband killed. Chances are, she would gladly have died of her disease if it would've meant he didn't get killed by Erun.
| Solemn Coyote 1/18/07 . chapter 2
1)“Since becoming the guardians a little over a month prior, their weeks had been filled with ascertaining the knowledge they would need.” ‘ascertaining’ isn’t quite right, there. It means ‘finding something out’ with the connotation of ‘verifying’. Maybe ‘absorbing’ is better here?
2)“It all seemed to revolve around the pedestal in the last room of the dungeon, referred to as a glyph.” Maybe “the last room of the dungeon, which was referred to as a glyph”? or “the last room of the dungeon: the glyph.” What you have is fine when it’s read aloud, but it doesn’t read quite right.
3)“The stone stand that contained it came to their chests, ridged base and sides rising up smoothly” Same thing here. “with a rigid base” is a little bit smoother, which is good, because you’re essentially transitioning from the idea of their chests back to the idea of the pedestal.
4)“overviews of the currently progressing,” Um, maybe ‘visions of the present’? I know it’s tempting to upgrade your vocabulary, but longer words tend to have more complicated connotations. If you just throw a bunch of those connotations in one place, they get in each other’s way. ‘overview’ is a hasty summary. ‘currently progressing’ is a phrase you might find in a school progress report or at a business meeting. It’s a bit too formal for a simple description. Short words aren’t a bad thing, or a ‘malevolent contrivance’, if you will. I made that assumption a long while ago, and it had unfortunate consequences for my writing.
5)“The ceiling began to come down slowly upon the victim,” Ow. Hate that kinda room.
6)“Ergo, the problem was that the truth would be to wild to believe,” the first ‘to’ should be a ‘too.’
7)“reached the end of its daily cycle.” I know I’m harping on this a lot, but you have a good story. And the connotations from your upgraded words are getting in the way of it. ‘daily cycle’ is scientific and overly exact, and it takes time to read. Time that could better be spent on the characters and the plot. Which is where your story shines.
8)“Gods, how would anyone know?” Polytheism? Cool. I guess I missed the pantheon in the first book. Hopefully there’ll be a reference to them here. Unless, of course, she’s cursing by the Gods of different religions. That’s be interesting: having a world where every religion was accepted as real.
9)“Greeted by a gorgeous field of dewy grass that shone in the up and coming sunlight, Kunesa breathed in deep the fresh air of the morning.” Replace ‘up and coming sunlight’ with ‘dawn light’, please. You have a good sentence here, but ‘up and coming’ makes it sound like it’s professional sunlight that just got its first big break.
10)Keep writing. I’ll keep reading.
| felicia13 1/17/07 . chapter 13
*grumbles about Miko* ... loser.
I know why you have to do it, but I'm not happy about it. *glares at random objects* What? You wanna go, hand towel? I'll take you out!
*cough* Moving right along ... nicely done. My initial reaction you already know. All I can say is this ... this tower is crazy tall (which I underestimated ... pfft! How could I think there were only nine floors?) and those Mra kids (I keep wanting to type 'bra' ;;) are crazy evil. NICE WORK!
| Solemn Coyote 1/16/07 . chapter 1
Alright, I think I owe you another review. I'd write another one for 'the eternal flame RW', but this seems to be your most recent project.
1)"Kentir sat in a hardwood chair, chin resting on his hand and blank eyes staring out of an open window." You do tend to compress a ton of information in each sentence. This one, here, could easily be broken down into three sentences: 'Kentir sat in a hardwood chair. His chin rested in his hands. His blanks eyes stared out of an open window.' Short, direct sentences make any story flow faster, but it seems like you're trying to make it sound more elegant here. You picked long sentences because they can describe a lot more of the scene in one go, even if they slow the reader down a little bit. Cool. You might want to play around with your sentences a little bit, though. 'Kentir sat in a hardwood chair, resting his chin in his hands and staring blankly out an open window.' When when you have several sentences all bundled together, they still act like seperate sentences. You have to take care to vary their structure. 'Kentir sat in a hardwood chair' goes subject, verb, preposition, object. 'chin resting on his hand' goes subject, verb, preposition, object. 'blank eyes staring out of an open window' goes subject, verb, preposition, object. A couple of sentences in a row that all have the same structure aren't quite as catchy as a couple of sentences in a row that have different structures. Play around with your sentence structure a little bit. Even in multi-idea sentences. You might like the result.
2) Wow. That was a lot of analysis for one line. I'm just gonna catch my breath, here.
3)"illuminating the expression of dismay" Careful. You seem to be going for a classical kind of tone, but sometimes too many long words can clump together and slow your writing down. It happened to me a couple of years ago.
4)"For all he knew, Miko was dead. Dead and lying somewhere in a field, eyes closed and pockets turned out." That's bleak and realistic and powerful. Cool.
5)"His other hand came down on the table in a fist, so forcefully that the room shook from the blow," And here's where your classical style shines. It takes a while to describe Kentir hitting the table with his hand, but the words really wind up for the blow. Nice.
6)"There was a knock at the door. Kentir’s head turned, eyes focusing on the thing sliding door that granted entry into his office." er, 'thin sliding door', maybe.
7) Speaking of which, could I assume that the door is patterned off of Japanese sliding doors? If so, that's a cool cultural integration. Fantasy has been traditionall steeped in Western culture for a long time. It's nice to know people are bringing in outside elements.
8)"So they had sent a squire to retrieve him from his home. Kentir glanced back at the setting sun." This is almost movie-perfect: the worried father looking out over the setting sun while his thoughts are clouded by worry for his son.
9)"With another look out the window, he left his house at a mildly slow walk." Too many adjectives can make any sentence silly. Maybe you could take out the 'mildly' or change the whole phrase to 'sedate walk'.
10) I'll keep reading these, when I have the chance.