Wow, detail overload. I know it's supposed to be a descriptive myth and such, but you're teetering on the edges of being too descriptive. Try to cut back a bit, it doesn't have to be a lot, just a few words out of some of the sentences; such as the extra "unholy" in "unholy destroyer." If you want I could e-mail you and bold the words that may be best removed. Because of your vivid language the transition to the third paragraph is jarred, you went from being flowery to very very straightforward. All over, your style seems be a bit on the verbose side, and that makes it a bit difficult to read, at least in my opinion. I see this in most fantasy styles (and I'm not a terribly huge fantasy person^^), but I sent this to a friend of mine and she enjoyed it greatly. Now for a few points of interest,one of which is the names. I'm not sure why, especially since this is an entirely ficticious world, random Japanese names/words thrown into peoples writing. It's mostly just the Usagi that bothers me because I've seen Ryu used so mant times I've become desensitized. Now for second."Dove merely turned away, crossing her arms beneath her breasts. Baer’s face turned an interesting shade of scarlet with the effort of his restraint, yet he managed not to pursue the issue further." I chuckled at this because I completely misread it the first time and went "wtf?." You might want to refrain from referring to breasts and then mentioning peoples faces turning scarlet. Thirdly, your passage of time seems stilted. I knew at the beginning that the Hour of Rebirth was nearly at hand, and I was thinking maybe that week, or at least a couple of days away. But when he was talking to Usagi, it was only a matter of minutes?! I dunno, that's probably just me being unobservant too. Fourth, Usagi travelling to another plane. I am very unclear as to exactly what sort of city this is, just saying the roads are paved isn't exactly enough. Are there skyscrapers? Is it like New York or more of medievil city? The whole section of the story in which Usagi is in the city seems extremely rushed and there are many things going on that seem to just be thrown in there,such as the enchantment. What enchantment is this? Is she the one that cast it, and if so, when did she cast it?

That's all I can really muster for now. Feel free to e-mail me if you want me to clarify anything more.

You're a master of detail, my brother. I wish I could add to my dialogue like that... Maybe I wouldn't have relied on script style so much. You've got a lot of talent, my friend.