Review Notes for Dominion of Deceit -- Mechwarrior5Quotation marks delineate direct phrasing from the text as posted.

I like the way the story jumps swiftly into unexpected action. The opening offers the reader a sense of tranquility, the background information suggests the fragility of it, and the descriptions paint it clearly in the mind. I get a clear sense of Jonas’ character, through both the dialogue and conveyed through the course of actions that have brought him where he is. Overall, the prose flow well throughout the introductory passages, with the exception of a few places that stand out in contrast.

You ask, I deliver. What follows here is a detailing of the work as I read.

“A tabard of white cloth with a black cross emblazoned across the front of it hung over his chest, and a filigreed steel long sword hung sheathed at his side.” This sentence bothers me. It comes across as wordy, overdescriptive, and does not flow well at all with the surrounding prose. I think the reason for this is also the passive voice of the sentence structure. “across the front of it hung over” just makes me flinch ever time I read the sentence. May I suggest ‘A black cross emblazoned the white cloth tabard hanging over his chest, and a filigreed steel longsword was sheathed at his hip.’

The following two sentences are repetitive, and could successfully survive compilation: “He sighed as the wind passed, glancing back toward [the] tri-tiered keep behind him, looming over the rest of the city. Lamenting the passing of the breeze, he let his gaze wander over the walled city that stretched out before him.”

“His eyes walked...” Wow. Talented eyes! :) Seriously though, this wording is jolting. And while it’s obviously intended as a metaphor or what-have-you, it’s a bit too much. And it distracts from the imagery the rest of the sentence is painting for the reader. Perhaps rephrasing it as “His focus walked” would work better, disengaging his attention as a reference to a specific body part. In reference to the rest of the sentence, the mention of gangrene would imply a wound was festering... it’s a little too much description. “...and his bald pate shone [glossily] in the bright morning light.” [Redundent detail.]“...but the citizens had been relatively accommodating toward their new rulers.” (missing word.) In this structure, however, the sentence has a decidedly passive flair. “were relatively accommodating” would be a more active alternative structure. “The man slumped in the saddle, bent over the horse’s neck as the beast strained for every bit of speed it could muster.” Being an avid member of the thoroughbred racing community for a number of years, I can honestly say that this verb doesn’t accurately confer with the horse’s sense of urgency. Reading its context within the passage, this sentence could likely benefit from some rewording -- from a distance, if the arrow isn’t visible, a slumped posture would appear to be the hunched form of a rider urging his mount. A better description might focus on a strange lack of exaggerated urging that would customarily coincide with the horse’s pace. As it stands, it seems awkward.“They traded looks. Then both warriors immediately headed for the stairs. They took the steps three at a time, squeezing through narrow passages in the winding route through the walls and down to the gatehouse. When they arrived, the horse and rider had already arrived.” Too many “they”s and “arrived”s, the latter of which is used twice in one sentence. How about “Jonas turned, meeting Simon’s gaze, and they moved towards the stairs as one, leaping the steps three at a time and squeezing hurried through the narrow passages of the winding route down to the gatehouse. When they arrived, the horse was already tethered by the reins in the firm grip of a guard. It’s audible, rapid breathing and frantic behavior lent a sense of urgency to Jonas’ stride, and his eyes widened when he at last caught a clear glimpse of the rider.” Or something like that.-- The action sequence at the site of the attack comes across rather stilted. I realize that battle is not always flowing and choreographed, but tends toward abrupt and sudden shifts in action. However, the nature of its description is difficult to read especially in the sections describing Jonah’s specific assaults and actions. Since I am not overly experienced in writing such battle scenes, I am having difficulty pinpointing exactly what is missing. I can say, however, that there are a number of instances where the passive voice slips into the structure. “One of the raiders had leapt from the cart where he had been hiding, and struck him square in the back.” *winces* This sentence tells, instead of showing. ‘A raider leapt from his concealed spot within the cart, striking Jonas square in the back.’ In addition, this sentence is almost like an explanation, a replay if you will, of the beginning of the paragraph which states “Before he could complete the action, a solid weight hit him from behind, bearing him to the ground and out of the saddle. Jonah hit the ground hard, tasting sand in his mouth and steel in his side as he lost his grip on his shield.” Doubling up on the descriptions makes it confusing. In such active scenes, you can quickly disorient and lose your reader if you don’t adhere firmly to a specific POV. “Blood turned the sand around his feet to a rusty brown color as the dieing body sank to the ground. Jonah started to look for the man he had wounded earlier.” In this first sentence “dying body” ...um... While I realize that death is dramatic no matter what, that description is not jolting in a profound way; rather it stands out. Limp form, perhaps? Corpse would work too, after a fashion, since the man is as good as dead, all things considered. In the second sentence, “started to look for” just screams at me. It clunks onto the end of the paragraph. ‘Jonah shifted, scanning about for the man he had previously wounded.’ would flow better in terms of readability.“As the light slowly died from the bearded man’s eyes, Jonah jerked the weapon from his innards and looked around, scanning for more combatants. But glancing around, he found that the scene had become deathly still.” ‘Around’ is one of those really annoying words that tends to crop up more than its truly needed. It’s not the only one -- I found a list of abused words somewhere, that you can generally go through and cut out, rephrasing slightly as necessary, and dramatically increase the readability and flow of your prose. “The armored knights stood over their vanquished foes, either on foot or in the saddle.” Okay, well they can’t stand over them, if they’re mounted, so how about ‘Everywhere he looked, armored knights loomed over vanquished foes, staring at them with visible contempt from their vantage points, whether on foot or mounted.’Overall, what would really improve this scene is an engaged style that slips into the main character’s perspective more fully. I’m getting a glimpse of his emotive responses here and there, but I get the impression it would flow better and read more smoothly if that engagement were stronger. “...made off toward the south west.” Directionally, it should be ‘southwest’. If that seems too modernized, you could use ‘south and west’. The remainder of the prose flows well, and I really enjoyed the descriptions, the details, and the way you wrapped up this first chapter. Taking the entire chapter into consideration as a whole, as a cohesive portrayal, I find the plot intriguing and the undercurrents -- both culturally and politically -- possess a vast potential. In addition, your dialogue is one of your strongest points. It is natural, suitable to the time period you’ve referenced in the beginning, and flows with effortless grace.

What I have attempted to do here is offer an honest and straightforward assessment of the chapter as it stands -- none of my comments are intended to be derogatory, inflammatory or otherwise offensive. My sole intent was simply to do as you asked and offer viably constructive criticism. I have attempted to, at each juncture, accompany my perceptions with explanation and substantiation. I hope you find this review helpful and assisting in nature.

I feel the need to mention that I just read Alankria’s review, and noticed she and I paralled one another on a few points. My apologies for that!

)O( Rhi / “Abigail Radle”

Greetings. This review will be written as I read, so it might be a bit choppy, and any corrections will be in square brackets. Here goes...

Ooh, nice excerpt at the beginning there, sets the tone for the main character I suspect.

"savoring the dry Zephyr against his clean-shaven cheek." -- Should the z of zephyr be capitalised? I don't know so.

Excellent descriptive metaphors as always :)

"He [had] a large hunting knife that rode against his hip"

"the knight had felt the One True God goading him into action" -- Hmm, do you want to use the word 'goading'? To me it sounds negative, like the Lord is teasing/manipulating him into action. I suspect at this point Jonah's faith is far more enjoyable than that. Perhaps he could feel the Lord encouraging or guiding him into action?

"but the citizens had [been] relatively accommodating toward their new rulers."

"When they ARRIVED, the horse and rider had already ARRIVED." -- repetition

“A soldier from my estate back in the homelands,” Jonah said absently." -- Would he really be saying it absently? Surely it would be more urgent.

"Blood turned the sand around his feet to a rusty brown color as the dieing body sank to the ground." -- Is it not 'dying'?

"The blade fell to the sand as a feeble cry [escaped] his lips."

Oh gosh, his poor mother.

As a whole, I definitely enjoyed this chapter (well, not what they did to his mother, but you know what I mean). Well written, as always with your work, and a gripping plot. There is a bit of an infodump at the beginning but a) it's necessary, and b) it works. It doesn't *feel* like an infodump - I only noticed because I was trying to be analytical - so don't feel you have to get rid of it. The setting seems realistic, similar enough to the period of history it's meant to emulate, yet with potential for difference. I'll definitely watch out for more of this.