Reviews for Dead of Night - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Dead of Night - Reviews: Page 1 of 6

S.J.Olusanya 2008-04-30 ch 8,	abuseI love this story it has thrills and chills and I like the MI6 agent you placed in an alternate reality well done
Sophocles08 2007-11-07 ch 1,	abuseI am surprised with how many people actually like this story. It makes me question the age or the literacy with many of the people on this site. With no offense to the author, personally, intended, I couldn't get past the first chapter. The writer is so caught up in how much german he knows, he floods the story with it. Way to be able to look up words in a translater. "Brauer had never known true hatred until he looked into her black eyes." Zombies are dead, and unless in the other chapters you anthropomophize them in the other 100,0 words, I suggest you don't do it in the first. The beginning "The rogue doctor..", What rouge doctor? This isn't a question of curiosity; I looked back to see if I had missed a chapter. You start out as if you expect the reader to know what you are talking about. Other things that plague this piece of prose: a) Over used phrases, "There was just one problem..."{ b) Beginning in the middle of an Idea. "He still had flashbacks to the date, January 15, 1937." There are better ways to introduce ideas other than in the middle of them. c) deus ex machina, or for non literate people 'God from the machine', The passage beginning "and then with a vial..." through the end of paragraph 4 of the first chapter. In essence, this is the same as 'He was shot five times in the chest, but it's okay he was wearing kevlar that I didn't tell you about earlier. While this is okay in classic Greek theatre, it is not in today's literature. d) If you're going to use rampant german, confusing reader's to no end, at least tell them what it means. What is a "Bund Deutscher Mädel" meeting? There is much more I could talk about, and again this is supposed to help the author improve the writing. I haven't gotten past the IV in chapter 1 yet with this review. Good luck, and I hope your writing improves. As well as I hope the other writers and readers on this site improve their tastes. bona fide, Sophocles
Arthurian Goldfish 2007-10-28 ch 5,	abuseMy review may be a bit rude and harsh, but I think you need it. First off, if you're going to try and write a story set so long ago, historical accuracy is incredibly important. I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think MI6 was around in the 1930's. However, I could well be wrong. And if you're going to write a novel about Hitler, don't try and make him out to be an idiot. He wasn't the smartest of people, but he was still pretty damn smart. He wasn't just some nutter. He ended up controlling a good portion of Europe, and that's not exactly something that just anyone can do. Also, anyone with a high-ranked position in the Nazi party would not refer to him as Hitler. Adolf, Fuhrer or something like that maybe, but not Hitler. Very rude and likely to get you very dead. And all his top-ranking officers would have been very careful not to anger him. Its quite obvious you put a fair amount of effort and research into this, and I really do like the character development for the most part, but you have to not let personal feelings and opinions obstruct your writing, unless you're writing about something personal. Which I'm going to take a wild guess and say this isn't... You're general lack of consistency and attention to the finer, and occasionally not so fine, details made me stop reading this at chapter 4. So please, for your sake and so that you improve as an author, don't make such stupid mistakes on the smaller things. Your story was good, but there were just too many times when things you wrote annoyed me. Good luck with your writing, and I hope something I said somewhere in this over-sized and rambling review aided you in some way.
Brandy 2007-10-09 ch 1, anon.	abuseThis is a tight story. You're an original! It's about time we got somebody who knew what they were doing. I've only read the prologue, but if it's any indication of how gifted you are as a writer, I'm in for one hell of a ride! I give you props. I've been a member since 2002 and you're the best writer I've come across so far. Original, Creative and real talent. You'll go places if you want too. Good Luck! I know I'll get your books when they come out on the shelf! For sure! Brandy
rebecca 2007-09-25 ch 41, anon.	abuseOMG I loved it! Ok, so it took a very long time to read, but it was so worth it. I'm not saying my age, but lets go with young... But I managed to follow along with most of it. One thing I didn't understand though, was right at the end. "Athens - Chillicothe April 12, 2006 - July 19, 2007" What was that about?
watchdog 2007-07-24 ch 41, anon.	abuseWow, I held my review untill the end, and I was not disapointed. I can not begin to tell you how much I enjoyed this story. I even liked the referance to The Dark Tower 'All hail the crimson king." The story could end here and it would fit, but I would like to know what happends next. I have become so invested in the charecters I don't want to leave. That is the sign that this is truly a masterwork. Thank you.
JustJ4ke 2007-07-19 ch 41, anon.	abusesequel...Sequel...SEQUEL!
Justin-Mullins 2007-07-19 ch 41,	abuseIt's hard to believe that this story is over >_>. Congratulations on having one of the coolest, and probably also one of the best well-written, stories I've read on this site since I've been a member.
JustJ4Ke 2007-07-18 ch 40, anon.	abuseMan, that one guy who swam across the channel better be Rommel...He should NOT have fallen out of that boat.
MelissaJ 2007-07-14 ch 1,	abuseFascinating! It reminds of Resident Evil (and that's a good thing). I enjoyed the prologue immensely and will definitely continue to read the rest of this highly entertaining story.
Bleh 2007-07-08 ch 2, anon.	abuseInteresting and descriptive story! Reminds me of Resident Evil a tiny bit (lol). Keep up the good work! XD
Cru 2007-07-08 ch 36,	abuse...And he didn't realize that BEFORE they ran in front of Satan's li'l helpers?!
The Death Muse 2007-07-05 ch 1,	abuseThis is a really genius idea. The nazis did some pretty weird experiments themselves so to suppose a fellow citizen did is not a stretch. And you've captured my heart with the whole zombie factor. There's nothing I like more than zombies or zombie-like creatures. With that said, there are a few mistakes and also some places where you can be more clear. All are minor - some of them are just suggestions. 1. You wrote: "He soon grew restless however, and started kidnapping pet dogs and performed grisly experiments on them. " Should be: "He soon grew restless, however, and started kidnapping pet dogs and performed grisly experiments on them." "However" is always separated by a comma from everything else - with the exception of a semi-colon. As in, INDEPENDENT CLAUSE; however, INDEPENDENT CLAUSE. 2. You wrote: "He did believe in advancing science, he knew that much." You can't connect an independent clause with a dependent clause with a comma. You can use a dash, a period, or a conjunction. This a common mistake amongst writers. Even if you do correct all instances of this, you need to make sure you don't use it to much, or suffer the consequences of losing the sentence structure's effectiveness. 3. You wrote: "Brauer ate his eggs, pondered fixing some bacon, decided not to, and went downstairs to check on the girl." This list-like sentence is not correct. It is list-like because you use commas, but the contents of the sentence do not belong in a list. Should be something like: "As Brauer ate his eggs, he pondered fixing some bacon. He decided not to, and instead went downstairs to check on the girl." 4. You wrote: "...he was pushed onto the chair, having been knocked off his stepstool. He noticed something, or someone, was missing." I'm a little confused here. Did she push him? If she did (which I think likely), you might want to restructure this part, like: "...he was pushed onto the chair - having been knocked off his stepstool. It was then he noticed something, or someone, was missing." Since a person must have done the pushing, it might be best to just say: "It was then he noticed the girl was missing." That's only an idea to throw around. 5. You wrote: "His conscious faded." Either his conscience faded, or his consciousness faded. 6. "The drive had been an annoying one, they having hit every red light along the way." The traffic system in the 1930s was apparently plural - as in there was a mix of them with different colour combinations. The article above talks about it in a lot of detail. The three colour combination we know today was created in the mid-1930s by the Dutch - I doubt that system reached Germany by the time your story starts. It might seem like nitpicking, but I just didn't know if there would be the traffic lights we know today and I was curious to find out. I think you could pull off using the red. If you already did the research, then I'm sorry for imposing. 7. You wrote: "Buchheister turned back toward Kinski and Kinski saw him bleeding badly from the neck." A good rule to abide by is to never use the same word twice in a sentence unless it's "and" or "the" or something. I'd change the wording so that you don't use "Kinski" twice. 8. You wrote: "Kinski drew his gun, and fired several shots, he couldn’t say exactly how many, at the doctor." In a high-intensity situation like this, the way your words and punctuation are situated contributes to the tone. Using commas like you have, it makes the reader pause quite a bit. If you were to remove the commas, and just have a bunch of short sentences, the tone would be as fast-paced and urgent as the situation you are describing. A neat trick. 9. "Haack had just woken up from a two-hour nap. It had been a slow night for the local Kripo office." What does this have to do with anything? Shroeder's talking on the radio with Kinski and then suddenly there's this fact about Haack. 10. "Some mad doctor has turned his and her blood black!" Where did he get this conclusion? 11. "Whatever had turned the girl’s blood black had also infected the other Orpo officer." The audience already knows this, but the guys that just showed up can't possibly make that conclusion. 12. "Some kind of disease." Penicillin had just been invented in 1928 - what does anyone know of disease in the 1930s? 13. "Weyraih passed out, and woke up infected." This is not necessary. The audience knows what happened to her as soon as she gets bit. That looks like a lot of corrections, but it isn't really. And no, I won't be doing this to every chapter - I've told you the rules and you can do what you will with them. Good job!
Cru 2007-07-04 ch 34,	abuseWow. You're incredibly knowledgable. I know very little of sailing, languages other than English, and how to play video games. Yet another great chapter. Down to 8 left? Wow- from the looks of it I woulda guessed about 5 form here.
KAL Steen 2007-07-02 ch 1,	abusethis is a really awesome zombie story. it sorta reminds me of the 28 Days Later series. keep up the great writing.

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