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| WritingFreak101 2006-04-25 ch 2,  | abuseThis is a really cool story! UPDATE LIKE REALLY SOON! WritingFreak101P.S. Who is Sarah? |
| Hittomi 2006-04-24 ch 2, | abuseThat was just as awesome as the prolouge, which was REALLY awesome. Good job! You'd better hurry with that second chapter! |
| Lazy Pen 2006-04-24 ch 2, | abuseI think the prologue started interestingly and you should keep close to that theme of "pretending". The conversation did feel a bit like a total flip from the mood of the first chapter. I'm interested to see how this story will progress since you're broaching such an interesting concept. Its pretty nice though, keep updating. |
| Robert 2006-04-18 ch 2, anon. | abuseSome nice work here. A couple of weird plot issues (legend has it -- wouldn’t this be rather easily found out? ... like every other day of the year -- this brought me back to the present/last weeks of school and I had hard time figuring out what time all this dialog was taking place. The dialog is a little girl-y for my tastes :) but it works, you might (writers choice, based on characters) mature it a little to give them some age, I’m not entirely sure where your taking me yet so I cant say for sure :) "That was normal. Breakfast tended to be a rather solitary thing" -- you might bring this out a little more by describing the cafeteria's noise level. It doesn’t feel like anyone is sleepy but the boys - that might help to fix it. Was I invisible? -- she needs some Prozac :) I'm not entirely sure how you will develop her yet - but they certainly don’t seem as old as seniors. You have some really nice lines in here "So much sent to Pinehurst as he was born there" ^^ I like this a lot. Keep it up :) |
| Robert 2006-04-18 ch 1, anon. | abuseAlex is a unisex name - you might mention earlier if she's a girl or not (it feels like a girl, but were not QUITE sure). Your introduction of the characters comes right after you describe them all - it feels a little redundant, just reword (or move/reword) the "Brian and Beth..." sentences possibly to after your declaration - it might help the flow. You introduce your main character, and with her being so negative, so early - it defines her as depressed. She has a low view of herself, her friends, and basically her life. You are distancing us from them, we all feel a little depressed every once in awhile - but this feels incredibly rough. Of course - if you use objective descriptions of actual events that show "the pretending" then we understand, and can sympathize. This may come later, I haven’t read the next chapter yet - just giving you first impressions. Sounds good - it reminds me of what you think about after having a long, lonely night. |
| railka 2006-04-18 ch 1, | abuseThis is awesome! This chapter definitely makes me want to read more; so please update soon! :) |
| Hittomi 2006-04-17 ch 1, | abuseWow, thats pretty good... |