Reviews for Akela - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Akela - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Twilight Starr 2007-09-15 ch 1,	abuseWell written, interesting beginning. This story definitely has potential. Good luck with writing and this story. ~Twilight Starr~
Fractured Illusion 2007-08-23 ch 2,	abuse"Dozens of faceless mannequins stared out at her with something close to weariness, ceasing their endless waltz, undisturbed through time, to assess the newcomers." A very haunting line. I like it! "she touched the dress[,] a puff " ""But then again," came a distinctly different voice, speaking with a terrible, slippery speech, "Maybe what is wanted is found."" The second line should be in the first paragraph. ""Don't be so scared"" Punctuation please ""Before you go[,] I want to" I am really liking Autumn! There seems to be something tragic about him :/ Aw, poor soul. "Mrs. Darlington " chuckles madly What kind of a corny name is that? :P "Every so often[,] a car" "Having to experience this phenomenon for herself," Maybe "Needing to experience"? "You can trust me.” “About as far as I can throw you?” “Maybe a little farther than that,”" I am lovin the dialog! :D Interesting. Autumn enter again! I wonder where you intended to take this story, as you seem to have this on hiatus :/ I however do like the surrealistic feel. You do a good job at it. - Frac
Fractured Illusion 2007-08-23 ch 1,	abuseHi, found you on Pay it Forward ^^ Ok, lets get down to the review: Missing comma list: "two of them[,] his eyes fluttered" ""Where'd you get this[,] anyway?"" "I'm not sure what it is[,] actually." "so dark[,] like the circle" "Akela gasped, pushed her glasses higher on her nose, and bent down closer." WONDERFUL way of adding description to a character without needless listing of how they look! ^^ Well done!I don't see these smooth descriptions too often, sadly. ""Get lost imagining the possibilities?"" Got lost The second scene was well done, it drew me in. It was described in interesting ways, such as the bones and the blinking and all. "she said, wanting to tell it, make it feel less ominous by sharing it." Cut out the "wanting to tell it". That is obvious by te dialog. Why else would she even say it wouldn't she wanna talk about it? "well, IU did" IU? Eh? Ditch the U " The light, where'd it come from? She thought" Skip the "She thought" It feels unnatural, and who else would think it anyhow? "said familiar voice" said a/the familiar "decreasing the [distance] between his lips" Noels dream is super interesting! Who is this Autumn dude that knows not of personal space? :P I liked the metaphor with the boa. Well done! "H looked terrible," He "the face that matched the hand." if the face and hands match, it'd be weird O.o the face that BELONGED with the hand maybe? Something? I did not care much for the scene when the three friends were literally all over each other :/ made it feel like most cheap stories on this site. Anyhow, I definitely like the dreams they have. It's very surreal and well portrayed! ^^ (Why no updates since -06 though?) - Frac
The Ferrett 2007-04-26 ch 2,	abuseWhere's the girly? The rest is good and interesting, the fact that the pendant was a whistle/key is curious.
The Ferrett 2007-04-26 ch 1,	abuseSo-semi real dreams. Curious. I like the way the creepy mixed with the surreal mkes a great mental carpet. Characters are fun. Want to see what happens next.
Mindshadow Productions 2007-04-13 ch 1,	abuseSaw this story on the C2. Your descriptions are quite good; there's definitely a strong feeling of the "dream" aspect of the story. I sometimes got confused between the switch between dream and waking, but I assume that's intentional (to reflect the main characters' own confusions). I would agree with DaniP that the one weakness I see is that I'm having trouble getting into the heads of Akela and Noel, other than to assume for now that they are "normal" teenagers (whatever passes for normal these days) who are caught up in an abnormal circumstance. I will keep an eye on this story and see where it goes from here.
Dani P 2007-04-13 ch 2,	abuseinteresting story so far. however the characters confuse me a little. You give everything such detailed descriptions, and yet I feel as if I barely know the characters. Perhaps you could add more life to them. can't wait to see where this is going.
Niki Lemonade 2006-11-14 ch 1,	abusewowsers! can't wait for more, i love this story so much!! what IS the watch thingy?!?! i must know! PS: i should be done with Between LoserW/Jello and Painlesuffering tonight. Last chapter, please review! -Niki Lemonade
Learah Kaelar 2006-05-09 ch 2, anon.	abuseLearah here! Hey, I love the dream sequences! I mean, the first one confused me a little because I wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but no worries! I caught on eventually... You may want to check it over, though. There are a few grammer issues and typos, but nothing big. Rock on!
Niki Lemonade 2006-05-08 ch 6,	abuseI'm extremely upset about Gray hair and Purple eyes not being updated...but after reading this, i spose i'll live...and i get what you mean by the "it's easier to update if it's shorter" thing, i've been considering doing something like that for my stories, but i spose that'd be copying. KEEP ON TRUCKING LADY!
CerriC 2006-04-24 ch 4,	abuseThis chapter was cute, but not much happened... I was a little disappointed! Oh well, I'll just wait for the next chap!
CerriC 2006-04-21 ch 3,	abuseSpiffy dreams. I don't normally like characters like Jon, but since you tend to... be a little different... I'm willing to give him a chance. I should have known there would be some boy-boy in this! Can't wait to read the next chapter - keep 'em coming!
CerriC 2006-04-20 ch 2,	abuseI disagree. Like I said, I think this is one of your better stories, if not the best. It's very surreal, as most of your work is, but at the same time it seems rooted in the characters' emotions. Several spelling mistakes and missing words in this chap, though. ^^
Learah Kaelar 2006-04-20 ch 1, anon.	abuseCRAP! I accidentally pressed "submit"! Um. Yeah, I forgot to mention that I loved your descriptions and imagery and stuff, I think this is your best story in terms of that... OH! And I'm really happy you're updating again, I thought you had quit or something. tear Yeah...um.. YAY!
Learah Kaelar 2006-04-20 ch 1,	abuseIn the first paragraph, I think the word "subconcious" would be better than "unconcious"...and "Akela thought" doesn't really need to be italicized, but that's pretty trivial. applauds Your vocabulary has reached a new level of awesomeness..."coruscating" hath STUMPED the fictionpress dictionary! I had to go to dictionary.com It was exciting.

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