Reviews for War's Heart - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: War's Heart - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Christian Baker 2007-09-30 ch 15,	Well, it does get better as it goes. but you till need a spell check/proofread. And a new word if I see "explained" one more time I'm gonna' scream.
Christian Baker 2007-09-28 ch 2,	Ok. You have some good ideas here. I can tell that you know the people, the places, the plot. You have strong feelings about them. However, that has not translated well into the text. What you have is an action movie script, without the movie itself. You know the places you are talking about, so describe them for me, help me to see what you're talking about. give me more, describe things, explain some things, help me to "see" what your characters are seeing. the same thing with your characters. make me love them, make me hate them, make me feel for them. And, you need some constancy. You simply jump from one thing to another without giving any explanation, page break, etc. It makes the story feel choppy, like little pieces spliced together. However, while all of these things would help the story a lot, they wouldn't stop me from finishing it. however, the spelling and grammar are just bad. you have a number of words that have been broken into multiple words that shouldn't, "per cent" for example, and probably a few the other way. But, its the grammar that kills you. It's alright for your characters to not be grammatical - after all who speaks perfectly? - but your narration should be grammatically correct, always. I know I sound like I'm coming down on you, but I hope this is actually helpful for you.
TT-da-lamanite 2007-03-14 ch 6,	well i just read up to this part, wow that is a good story, kinda jerky, but yeah... nice use of the swearing, and pistols... nice cars...
Dani P 2006-12-19 ch 2,	good story so far, carbines are fun guns to shoot. anywho, as I said good story, however a little unbelieveable,but then again most action stories are. you do a pretty good job though, it entertaining, which will attract alot of readers. i also like how you add some humor in there. Good job.
TT-da-lamanite 2006-08-29 ch 1,	Holy **! that is a lot of frigin chaps for war heart DAMN! any ways thanks for the review on Seminary Gang i helped write the bugger, stupid Candians its funny thinkin there real people, with there cars and there airplane tickets, they know that they should be in the cargo hold! love TT-da_laminite
Pyro Ghost 2006-08-06 ch 1,	Very good story. The characters are three dimensional, good plot twists, and I loved how Mathers died. Looking forward to more of your stories.
Hawk Raskenark 2006-07-26 ch 10,	Man, this story reminds me a lot of The Four Warriors in a weird way. Anyway, great stuff, but I've only read the first ten (Well, really nine) chapters. I can't wait to read the rest of it.
Ackl 2006-07-21 ch 45,	so you had EVERYONE die? man that ruined it for me but good epilogue still oliver couldve just killed himself keep writing these awesome stories and if you'd review mine that would be great the prologue is short and it isnt good but i havent written original fiction in SO long so be kind with your words please ^_^
Bob Evans 2006-07-21 ch 45,	Wow. Amazing. Indescribable. Maybe I've said this before, but I've followed this story for a long time now, and I guess it seems kind of sad that it all just ends like that. There are a few things that still don't make sense, but I guess either I missed the point, or they were left to be undiscovered. I'm glad you got this last chapter in when you did. Although, there is just one last closing remark I'd like to make...Are you by any chance a Red vs. Blue fan? Call me crazy, but I've spotted hints of the same dialogue throughout the story, and frankly, I can see entire conversations that were taken right out of a Red vs. Blue episode. Oh well, just curious. Whatever your next story is, keep writing, and I'll keep reading...
Bob Evans 2006-06-29 ch 44,	Hmm... I've been following the story for quite some time, and it has captivated me. However, the whole "finishing off" of Mathers was just a little over the top, and could have been edited. But, you're the author, so do it your way. Can't wait for Chapter 45!
DamienSBlack 2006-06-25 ch 1,	This is the single most realistic post-war teenage story I have ever read. It doesn't describe them as perfect, they miss sometimes, use cheap tricks to defeat their opponents. I can actually image this happening, not the robot-teenagers in most other stories like this one. You need to keep writing stuff like this, you're good at the action scenes and stuff. Just one thing; repetition is good and all, but if it's constant (d00d m00r humm3r5 m4n) it detracts from the story itself. Rock on!-Simon
Ackl 2006-06-24 ch 44,	good one but what about swinging a bat in cricket? maybe i missed it earlier but what country is this in? good story oliver kicked mathers **!
g 2006-06-14 ch 40,	MAC 11's are .32 caliber and MAC 10's are .45 caliber just so ya know the 11 is weaker...and in those chapters you used it...the XM8 is a prototyple never put into production the US government only had a few thousand for testing and cancelled it... good story though
Ackl 2006-06-11 ch 36,	Daniel swooped his arm down and wrapped it around Zane’s neck. He then pushed his knee into Zane’s back and slammed him onto the desk? hm sounds like a street thug way of doing it with the knee in the back...just the way you described it try making it sound more militaristic i mean it is about a WAR after all but hey who a i to say...
Ackl 2006-06-11 ch 35,	good story it deserves more reviews i everybody should read it but once again the XM8 is an experimental rifle! it never went into production besides testing! use it but explain that it was acquired illigally or something like that but hey also um the Desert Eagle is for sporting not killing it's made to shoot targets not people

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