Reviews for The Last Blood Maiden

Reviews For: The Last Blood Maiden - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

mandya1313 2008-07-25 ch 16,	cool story, update soon
mandya1313 2008-07-21 ch 15,	cool story, update soon
Scared Loveless 2008-07-17 ch 14,	It is so sweet, so loving, so emotional. I am awed by the sheer emotion these characters possess. It is amazing.
Scared Loveless 2008-07-09 ch 13,	Curious, very curious.
kloun mannequin 2008-07-07 ch 12,	here, vexxas looks so innocent when he asked what a lover's, and the last part is gripping.
Scared Loveless 2008-07-07 ch 12,	I love Adelaide. I want a daughter very similar to her, if I ever shall have the honor of being granted one. She is amazing, this story is amazing, and the character development is superb.
Solemn Coyote 2008-07-06 ch 3,	Thank you very much for the profile shout-out. It was totally unexpected, but nice all the same. Also, thank you for your continued feedback on "Dustbin." I maintain that it's some of the worst of my poetry (or, at least, inexperienced. Which may not be the same,) but I'm glad you liked reading it. 1)"Her eyes were bold shot and full of tears" blood-shot 2)“It is, mother’s will Bridget.” no comma 3)"The man spoke quietly and happily then looked up at Avery." maybe 'and then happily looked up' 4) Adelaide's quite an interesting complication on the story. I'm already imagining some sort of "Lone Wolf and Cub"-esque plotline unfolding. Which would be pretty cool. 5) Although Vindicator's name still jars me a little (sounds a little too much like 'Terminator',) I like his re-inclusion in the story. Besides, the character dynamic between wife and ghost-husband (they were married, right?) could get really interesting. 6)"I fear, what might happen to you and Adelaide, for I love you and her… Oh, so very much." that pause there makes him sound a little bit creepy, but it's okay. Possessiveness suits a ghost. 7)"I have chosen not to enter, Nirvana’s, gates and dwell with the ancients" no commas 8)“I choose who may, or may not be able to see me.” no comma. I'm being awfully nitpicky this chapter, I know 9)"I remember, you, being afraid that I would die if I healed you" Interesting development. It probably means that Avery isn't so secure in using her powers now. However, there shouldn't be any commas in that line. 10)"The dead are always waiting for you and I to fall." That's kinda a great line. It made my spine chill slightly. 11)"in the corner of her eye, she saw, Darken Root, under her bed." no commas 12)"She took, Darken Root?" no comma 13) "using what little magic she was gifted with, to try to see how far the poison has progressed." no comma 14) "Her voice was chilling, ghost like." a comma works there, but a period, colon, or semicolon might be stronger. 15)"her eyes glowed white, as she felt the presence of Adelaide through her." no comma 16) There are one or two more comma issues, but I've decided to gloss over them. The thing with commas is that a missed comma isn't that big of a deal. The reader skims right on past it, and only later realizes that they were supposed to stop there. But a misplaced comma, however, stumbles the reader and distracts them from picturing your story. Plotwise, this is a very solid chapter. It introduces a number of great elements to the story (ghostly Vindicator, his relationship with Avery, and Adelaide) and also picks the pace up a little bit. The slew of extraneous commas is something of a problem, but it's infinitely easier to fix than if the plot was lacking something. With a little bit of editing, this'll be an excellent chapter. -SC
kloun mannequin 2008-07-05 ch 11,	I just thought the ending from this is romantic! vexxas is so nice
Solemn Coyote 2008-07-04 ch 2,	This is a much shorter chapter than the one before. Should be fairly easy to review. 1)"Tears burned her eyes as she pulled out her knife ready to cut, an ancient practice of old; maybe help with her own pain." Wow. That I was not expecting. It's definitely an interesting bit of culture to include, though. 2)“Eh ey caleondle ecoly e lay han ney oneltu. Zonet non leyonetl ecoday eday zon ney liy hile. Tu nen vey un tala ecoday un day nenehile. Un vex ernel tun une yea. Tunay et un vey unden olen do nei zion un va. Donas un zah herdoka un Nervona. Tu nen vey un tala ecoday un day nenehile.” Consider giving that it's own paragraph. I think it's earned it. I'm kinda curious about the language that you used there. It felt a little Latinate. Also vaguely Cherokee. Did you throw syllables together, or pull a Tolkein and actually thresh out your own language? 3)"The men and the women of the village pass by to gaze upon her" tense change 4)"The flower she was holding in the palm of her hand, now covered in blood." The imagery for this entire chapter is pretty strong. It focuses on things that are fairly easier to picture, and uses them to amp up the emotion in the scene. 5) Interesting that Avery seems to rapid-heal. It's still uncertain whether that's a consequence of this scene or an aspect of her character, but it could be an interesting gimmick if it were the latter. -SC
kloun mannequin 2008-07-01 ch 10,	that's full of adventures, it's like a gothic tale, I don't know, avery is cool since she seems strong. update soon.
Scared Loveless 2008-06-27 ch 7,	Please continue. I am taking a great liking to this story.
Solemn Coyote 2008-06-25 ch 1,	Okay. Here I am, a bit late on my review. 1) I notice that you too have a character named Adelaide. I kinda like her already. 2)"Her hair which once gleamed as red fire seem to fade to gray as did her blue eyes which once shown as the stars has darken" 'seemed' and 'had'. Sorry if I'm being nitpicky with spelling. 3) You use a semi-stilted, sword-and-sorcery-esque writing style, but Avery is not in any way a typical barbarian. Compared with the hulking, Neitzchean (I know I'm spelling that wrong) Conan, Avery is small and intense. She feels things very deeply, and that's both a weakness and an incredible strength. I'm really curious about how this story will develop. 4)"I know the death of Vindicator, your lover," Silly name, but it is sword and sorcery, so there's a precedent. Besides, I'm sure there's an interesting story about him. 5)“Mother is there something else?” you kinda don't use commas very much. I overuse them, though, so I'm hardly one to talk. 6)"Ye are the protectors of mankind blessed by the goddess Perlandrea, to ensure the safety of men." Made me smile. I can totally see guys getting indignant about that. 7) This is a really refreshing take on classic sword and sorcery. It's character-centric, emotional, and focuses on telling a story about healing and growth, rather than one about beating dragons with their own legs. I like it and, if you have the inclination, you should definitely continue it. -SC
Scared Loveless 2008-06-17 ch 5,	It is a great story, and well written, but I cannot tell much of where it is going. With so much history intertwined in it, it becomes hard to understand what is meant to come as the future. I hope you figure out what you know is to come, for I desire to read more of this tale.
WynnFire 2008-06-12 ch 1,	This looks very interesting! The dialect gets a little difficult to understand, but other than that, it looks good ^^ ~WynnFire~
Somnium736 2008-05-24 ch 1,	Oh my! Wait just a second! i think i must have missed something here...is Avery really sixty two years old or is it just her mother's way of saying how grown up she is for her age. (cos i read the other review you got and it confused me) XD Som the addlepated.

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