Reviews for Hybrids - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Hybrids - Reviews: Page 1 of 10

scarletlady77 2008-03-01 ch 5,	Excellent writing style- there really weren't any errors that I could detect. I've only gotten to ch.4 so far but I'll come back and read more whenever I can. I really love it so far!
hells666angel 2007-09-25 ch 24,	omg!! this story is AMAZING! i
VampireFreak2015 2007-09-10 ch 24,	Good story! I can't wait to see what happens next.
Levana 2007-08-31 ch 1,	This is an interesting beginning. I'm curious to see where it goes.
R8R 2007-05-10 ch 24,	Wow, I like this chapter, can't wait for more of this, I think this is one of my favorite of your stories. Well done!:)
R8R 2007-03-20 ch 1,	Just start reading it, but for now I love it. I can't wait what happens next, it is certainly a very good concept, and I will like to see where this is heading!
Automatic Jack 2007-02-06 ch 24,	The compy keeps eating my reviews, so I'll just say that the epic upcoming war would be the logical and most effective way to end this puppy unless you have something better up your sleeve. One last piece of advice: Don't introduce any new major characters unless they're central to the plot, and don't burden the reader with unnecessary details. Good job so far, and good luck with the rest.
Automatic Jack 2007-02-06 ch 21,	Welp, now that the plot's picked up, there's not much I can say at this point. Usual minor problems with repetition of backstory and TELLING instead of SHOWING, but all that's just a matter of distributing your exposition in a more dynamic manner. The pacing is pretty good throughout; thing's are starting to move a bit faster, which is nice, and it's good that you set all your characters down before making them move around the board. I still don't quite believe the prologue is a prologue, though... And I'm not so sure about mentioning the character's names in it... I guess it is a bit tense when considering the events will take place later, but it destroys some of the mystery. I might consider taking it out, or at least making it clearer why it's there.
Automatic Jack 2007-02-06 ch 16,	Again, repetition. We already know Selene's past made her the way she is. From now on you can just focus on her actions, not flashbacks. Her dialogue and what she does will enforce what you've already laid down in backstory. If you write "Selene lashed out, though a part of her wanted to stop", the reader will say "Oh, it must be because she had a turbulent childhood, from what I remember reading from chapter four". Subconciously. Heh.
Automatic Jack 2007-02-06 ch 14,	I KNEW IT. I remember Sel being wary of the sun, way back in chapter two. Or three. Or something. Dang, I'm good... Or should I say, nice foreshadowing on your part? Use that device throughout more of the story, and the dramatic tension should increase exponentially. It's far more effective to reveal bits and pieces of information than telling everything right out.
Automatic Jack 2007-02-06 ch 12,	Heh, nice cover up, Hunter.
Automatic Jack 2007-02-06 ch 9,	The reaction of the characters to the events of the party seems a bit unnatural here. Their lives were in danger just moments ago and the way this was written suggests everyone forgot what happened halfway through the chapter. I'd consider moving Hunter asking Selene out on a date further down the road. Now, my first reaction was that, after the shooting, Frankie would immediately pin it on Selene! Frankie was already suspicious that Sel was a Hunter, so when the Council randomly crashes the party, she could get angry at Landon for helping Selene organize what may have been a trap. I just thought that would be a neat idea, and it would lend a lot of dramatic tension to the characters. But carry on.
Automatic Jack 2007-02-06 ch 8,	I like the party device, and the fact that there are actually Council-sent people in thei chapter. One thing I would suggest is fixing the pacing. It's been a huge build-up and all the action is condensed into a simgle small paragraph, as if you got scared of writing an action scene. "Selene looked around at everyone at the party. They all seemed to be having a great time. Then she saw the three people in black just ahead of her. The one standing in front looked at the other two and nodded. At the same time, all three of them reached at their waists and pulled up their guns. Instinctively, Selene yelled that there were guns. People were looking around and screaming. A few girls started crying. Selene saw one of the guns being aimed in Landon’s direction. “Landon!” she yelled as she started running towards him. Then she heard multiple gunshots. Knowing that one was going to hit Landon, Selene dove towards him. She felt the bullet sink into her right side as she fell towards the ground. That’s when she figured out who the men in black were, Hunters. The bullet in her side was becoming more painful by the second. Selene could only guess that the bullet was made of silver. She kept her mouth tightly shut to keep from screaming out in pain." Stretch it out a little more. Why didn't the guys in the masks do what the Council told them to and bring in the Hybrids? They even called the kids "Hybrids". I don't get that part.
Automatic Jack 2007-02-06 ch 5,	After you present exposition as explicit as "So-and-So was a vampire hybrid", you don't need to repeat yourself. In fact, you can simply state things while assuming the reader remembers what you've said. This lends more drama to the story and makes it less matter of fact. EXAMPLE: "In that moment Landon hesitated. What if she didn’t take it well? Or worse, what if Frankie’s suspicions were right and Selene was a Hunter or in league with the Council? He couldn’t risk Francesca’s safety just because he wanted to tell someone he knew very little about that he was a half-vampire. “I’ll see you at the party,” he responded." We already know A. Selene is a bit edgy, B. Frankie is suspicious, C. the many dangerous people Selene could be, and D. Landon is a vamp hybrid. Therefore most of this paragraph is re-stating information already known to the reader. You could shorten it to something like: "Landon hesitated, recalling Frankie's warning. 'I'll see you at the party', he said. It sounded silly after that moment of silence, and Selene looked suspicious, but he seemed to have gotten away with it." I might consider putting a little more of the Council's presence in at this point, instead of putting all the exposition into simple statements like "The Council was like this. The Council was like that. The Council didn't like hybrids". SHOW the reader that this is true, rather than TELLING. For example, you could have a mysterious figure lurking around, suggesting that the Council is trying to keep an eye on suspected hybrids. This makes the danger seem far more real and threatening. I'm reserving my good comments for the end, by the way, so don't get discouraged.
Automatic Jack 2007-02-06 ch 3,	Some well-placed subtlety in terms of Selene's origins in this chapter. By the way, a prologue is traditionally known to take place before the events in the rest of the story. Correct me if I'm wrong, but your prologue sounds like it takes place AFTER some of the following chapters. That's a bit confusing; I wouldn't call it a prologue. I might consider italicizing it. Just a suggestion. If you must review something of mine, go for MISERICORD. I have six other chapters but I'm waiting for reviews before I post them.

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