|Reviews for Antilla: Absence of Valor|
| MiroFTW 1/1/08 . chapter 8
apologies for the tardiness of this review, but exams and fraternity stuff has taken over the past month or so. but now that i'm free, here's your review :P
a very well written chapter. if there was any doubt in my mind that you couldn't write a spaceship sequence, you've shown you can do it with sheryl pike's leadership. the dialogue flows fluidly, and the grammar is spot-on. there were only a few instances where i've had to reread the sentences. such as:
But her frustration at having someone out of her normal chain of command brought in was overshadowed by her desire to make it home in one piece.
After a second reread, I only understood what you were trying to say.
i'm not sure why you need the flashback in the middle of the sequence (i mean, it doesn't really do much for her except she's been in a sticky situation before).
other than that, there's not much more for me to poke at. i'll be awaiting your next chapter.
| incandescente 9/17/07 . chapter 3
"The order to blockade the system came" - Perhaps its just me, but i didnt understand the word "blockade" used in this context.
"a half-smile on his face as remembered the simulation he’d just completed against some of the station’s younger fighter pilots." - missed the word "he"
"Suddenly, Gonzo no longer felt annoyed, but alarmed." - Personally, I felt that the word "suddenly" was redundant.
"Despite it being peace-time, Gonzo hadn’t skipped a beat." - why? I believe there weren't much explanation for that.
“Boss, what the hell just happened?” Kyra asked flushed. - I think you missed a comma.
There was a sense of the third person looking in when i read the story.
I enjoyed the action. There was a mild sense of panic when I was reading it. That was good. You had enabled the reader - me - to feel the story! Haha.
However, I had thought that the various history, names, etc sapped away the scene's intensity. It'd be better to focus more on the scene, and let the details be mere background. Thanks however, for wanting to tell the story with all its details. It shows that you appreciate the reader's desire to want to know more of the story.
This story should be able to be read as a stand alone, not just a prequel. (:
I'll try to review when I have time. (:
| incandescente 9/17/07 . chapter 1
"The ashes of the Great War would also see a resurgence of large corporations and technological development firms that once flourished." Is it 'would' or would it be better to use the word 'had'? I'm not too sure about it, but just wanted to bring it to your attention.
"Relocated to an isolated star system and allowed to start anew, Neo Pegasus was forced to absolve their defense force and cease searching for any advancements in research and development, in turnleaving it a shadow of its former self." The structuring was abit off, I felt that it'd have been better if the narrator was using an active tone.
Honestly speaking, I hardly read Sci-Fi. But this starting reminded me somewhat of Neon Evangelion. Its a Japanese comic, but I wouldn't expect you to know about it. :P
Anyway, back to the story. This beginning was kind of intriguing to me - the starting seems like a good backdrop for an epic story. I liked it. :)
But I was mightily confused with the exchange from present to past to present tense again. I think it'd be better to try to stick to present tense throughout. But that's just me, because I'm weird like that.
I'm looking forward to reading the rest! (But maybe another day because I have to get out of the house now..) :)
| Chagan 8/11/07 . chapter 7
Many pardons for not being able to give this the thorough reading to look for those transition problems, 4AM isn't conducive to it. The only complain I have for the moment is that the later part of the chapter, with Ripley, was a little disorienting compared to the rest, but on the whole it was good. Like all the subplots you're setting up with this.
Update soon, this took almost as long I take to get chapters up :P
| MiroFTW 8/8/07 . chapter 7
Well, it's been a while since you last updated, but good to see you're back in the habit of writing again. the action was good, the dialogue solid and the overall narration well done, but there's a few things i'd like to bring to your attention. not so much as gripes, but just thoughts on the chapter.
The debriefing session was solid, but some things I had to stop a moment and think about. First off, was Cerina's thoughts on the Second Run. I remember we had the discussion about sexism in the military and that could partially be why she still hasn't been appointed anything greater. But still, I would've expected her to have some kind of liking towards a ship that she's served on for some time. The reason that it's old shouldn't have been why their hyperdrives suddenly failed back in the former chapter, but for the sake of the story, I'll bite.
The other thing that I stopped to think over was when you mentioned a scout picket. Having no clue what it was, I had to wiki/google it. Now if I understand correctly, a picket or picket duty, is just something similar to a defense line around a perimeter. A scout picket sounds somewhat contradictory. Scouts are more used for scouting a location, an offensive tactic, rather than something like patrol/picket duty, a defensive tactic. Just thought I'd point that out.
Finally, the end of the debriefing when you stated that unidentified object dropped out of hyperspace. Certainly radar would've picked it up as a ship, but for now, let's disregard the fact. Doesn't Destrega Prime have any defenses? The way you make it, it seems like the place doesn't have so much as a defense system in place. Surely anything from a missile grid to AA guns could've put a dent in that "mysterious object". Now forgetting even that, couldn't the Second Run have intercepted the unidentified object, and then shoot it down with uhm turbolaser cannons? Surely, speed of light of turbolaser is faster than anything a sublight starfighter can manage in that effort. Unless of course, the object was out of range, then that argument is moot, but you should at least explore that possibility before relying on the starfighters to bring the unidentified object down.
The rescue sequence with Antes and Izzy was well written, though I'm really unsure how Antes just knew that Izzy was in the opposing cockpit. Makes me wonder if Antes is in tune with the Force. And oh yeah, those Guncross units are surprisingly sturdy to have gone through all that damage. Surviving a collision with the ground just under the speed of sound is impressive. :P
Not too much to say about the last section with Tristan Nance but it sounds like there's a political power play about to enter the story. I got a hunch, conspiracy side from me calling out, that Tristan Nance made a pact with the aliens just to win the election. Yes. And then as he is sworn in as President, he turns his back and destroys those aliens. Of course I'm probably way off track.
Anyways, solid chapter. Update soon!
| Chagan 6/24/07 . chapter 6
Couldn't really find anything to poke at here, save that the battle at the beginning of the last chapter now seems even less important (I forgot to mention it in the last review). Save battle scenes for chapters like this one.
I like that you're bringing mech warfare to the forefront in this- it always seemed a little shoehorned into AS simply because it didn't feature very much, so nice to see it being used.
I have no idea what you have planned for the rest of this book, but Izzy seems *perfect* to set up as a villain. No idea why, he just does.
| Chagan 6/24/07 . chapter 5
This one's a decent chapter, but the story's definitely lost some steam at this point. After a very strong start, it feels like we suddenly landed in info dump territory- good chapter, no doubt, but probably one that should have come later.
I'm not sure how I feel about everyone knowing so much about Drago already. Isn't that the kind of thing you'd want to dangle for a while? Sephrim was mentioned for the first time only a short time ago, it would help to know more about him and his background before establishing the significance of his son- the way it is now, it feels like, "alright, here's the villain, here's his background."
Not sure how you could tackle that. Having scenes from Drago himself is probably a poor idea. Alternatively, maybe you could begin AS2 with a longer chapter featuring briefly Sephrim's exile/imprisonment etc- it'd work better than the current prologue, and give us some frame in which to place Drago when we finally learn about him.
The characters are as strong as ever. Nice work setting up whats going on with Izzy, and lots of teasing about whats going on in everyones lives. That, ultimately, is whats always kept me interested in AS, not the plot itself, and its nice to see it make its way here.
| Chagan 6/24/07 . chapter 4
Nice way to bring them back in to action. The only things I can find to nitpick about-
1) Dara's and Indelli's conversation seems a little wooden, too formal, especially in the beginning.
2) Septem seems to be a bit too shocked to learn who the invader claims to be- I feel like his first instinct would be to calmly think of it as a hoax, and not get so emotionally engaged in it.
Not much else to note. I smell emergency powers coming up. Good stuff so far.
| MiroFTW 5/15/07 . chapter 6
nice to see izzy back in action this chapter. overall, the chapter had its fair share of action, but there were a bunch of grammatical mistakes that could've been caught with a second run-through. like:
But if you don’t get Titan Squad out there, it won’t matter. You’re cleared for lunch.”
that's launch. and a few sentences later...
"Stick to your wingmen and we’ll be back in time for chow."
guess you were kinda hungry, eh?
and then somewhere further down, you said this:
He also wasn’t the same hot shot he was all those years ago. If this situation turned dicey, he’d order a full retreat to Federation space.
and a few lines later, you said in rephrased words:
He was young back then; inexperienced in command and a little too hot-headed. If this situation turned dicey, he’d order a full retreat to Federation space, as long as the Run was safe.
yeah, just stuff like that that could've been fixed with a second run through. as for the content, i'm not particularly huge on the mech on mech action (makes me think too much of gundam and not that i don't like it, it just screams cliche), but you manage to describe the fights very well.
one last thing: why did the hyperdrive blow out in the first place? i hope there's some reasoning behind it unless its for the convenience for you to just throw in a spacefight because of the blown out hyperdrive. cause you'd expect technology to be up -to-date on military vessels and not have them exit hyperspace because of some random malfunction.
anyways, just my two cents. update soon.
| Chagan 5/14/07 . chapter 3
Wow, this certainly hits the ground running. Awesome.
Don't have time to check for little things at the moment so I'll have to get back to it later. I did skim though, and while I like it a lot, I suggest that at some point you come back to this and break it up a little, pace it more. No, dont omit stuff- more along the lines of delivering a segment, have a chapter showing what other guys are up to from the first book, show another battle segment, repeat, etc. Just an idea, but while it's great that this opens up with all the action, it may be just a bit too sudden.
| MiroFTW 10/5/06 . chapter 5
i can feel the tension building up between gonzo and falcon. for some reason, this chapter reminds me of a 24 episode. i'm interested in seeing what this drago loran can do and hopefully, it'll involve something more than piloting skills.
nothing much to comment on grammar.
please update soon!
| Deathworm 10/3/06 . chapter 5
All right, Alpha Squadron is about to return in style. And against a bunch of invaders who seem to have spent the last couple of millenia planning revenge . . .
Septem is wrong, of course (I hope!) There IS going to be a war and despite what he thinks, there's no way someone who's been planning revenge for that long is going to give up so easily.
That only means . . . more Alpha Squadron action! D
| Swiftstriker 9/25/06 . chapter 4
This sounds like it's going to be a great story, and nothing against it, but I just don't think it can top the origanal Alpha Squadron.
| MiroFTW 9/22/06 . chapter 4
nice to see familiar faces again. i think the part about septem eslos saying that the 'video clip' is an entire lie is just flat out dumb, because he's arguing against the head of news intel basically. as is stated, politial death is inevitable, unless the people never find out about the war.
like the previous chapter, grammar could use some work, but i'm just nitpicking.
in all honest, i don't see why there's a necessity for alpha squadron since they've been disbanded (i mean it seems like the higher ups are jumping the gun a bit). there's very little analysis of what actually went down and i'd think if septem wants to control the 'outbreak', he'd like to have as little people as possible know about the incident. maybe when they ACTUALLY need alpha would they be called into action, but it's still too early to tell anything.
the whole 'they attacked us so we're going directly to war' is also a bit premature. it'd be more like a 'try and clean up what happened in corval' situation to decide whether or not any needed.
i'll be waiting for the next chapter.
| MiroFTW 9/22/06 . chapter 3
rereading the preface, i've come to the conclusion that you really don't need it. everything in there can just be fleshed out in the story.
first chapter is solid. nice action, and nice to see some familiar faces. did you write this on notepad, because there's a buncha typos that could've been easily fixed with a brief skim. some of the wording is a little awkward, but nothing major. i think the last line 'and get me alpha squadron' is a little unnecessary, just there for a dramatic effect.
onto the next chapter