Reviews for The Drifters Ride

Reviews For: The Drifters Ride

Genesis Rose 2006-12-31 ch 1,	abuseHm this looks nice so far... I looked through the other reveiws for this story and I have found I have nothing to add to their comments save for that you seem to be lacking in giving the reader more information concerning the plot of the story, and where it will lead to. Not a big deal, and the summary gives us a bit of a hint, but a mere sentence before the writing of the story actauly begins makes all the difference. Like I said, not much of a deal, but everyone who reveiwed previous to mine picked up much of the grammatical errors. Otherwise, a fantastic start to a story that's sure to flourish under your incredible flowing writing. I admire this work and I hope you add more to it in the future!
Maranwe Telrunya 2006-09-14 ch 1,	abuse"...my legs are getting mighty tiresome" - tiresome legs? Just plain tired would work, or - "walking backwards was getting mighty tiresome." In the paragraph that starts with "The man looked over at Tim.", all three sentences after that start either with "He" or "Him" and the sentences are also about the same length, making the paragraph seem boring and blah, even though the picture within the words is interesting. " "Well Jack," Tim said "Whereabouts you head'n?" Jack looked at him hard" - the "Jack looked at him hard", to clear up any slight confusion, should either be separated from the previous sentence by making it a part of the next paragraph, or by making it a paragraph line on its own. Otherwise it sort of runs all together and it's almost as if Jack said "Whereabouts you head'n?" And the next paragraph, as well, the dialogue should be separated from the description, because I almost thought that Tim was telling Jack he was going to "catch a little shut eye." also, "Tim nodded to him and continued to drive. Jack rested his head on the seat and closed his eyes, letting the blackness swallow him."- try putting "as" instead of a period to make these two sentences flow better. And the paragraph after that, you have three short sentences right after another, making the reader's flow stop short with each one. the last sentence in the paragraph is not needed; we already know that Tim is curious about Jack, and the sentence is a little boring to read. Watch out for short sentences; you seem to use them a lot. In the next paragraph ("Wehn Jack awoke...") I am sort of curious about the scenery. What sort of country are they in? Is it a main road? Are there trees around? Any animal sounds; birds? Is there any fog? The "When they were both done... Tim said," can be connected to his question to Jack, and Jack's answer should be preluded and connected to "Jack nodded." and once he sees how tired Tim is, saying "I guess I could drive a spell" adds a bit more character than the plain "I could drive a spell." and goes better with the fact that he just told Tim he hasn't driven for a while. "They both got in the truck" and" Jack looked over at the tired man" could be connected to make it flow better. "He pulled onto the highway...He cracked the window and..." short and too much to the point. As well, they both start with "He" making it sound redundant and choppy. And I noticed that there are little or no color words in the whole story, nor much description of the setting, other than the mountains and the road. It's all a little choppy and needs work, but I like the story. In the ending, it's not totally clear what Jack is doing, but I almost got the idea that he was going to commit suicide. It would benifit from being a bit more clear on what he's doing in the end, from his throughts or his actions earlier on in the story. Sorry that I tore this apart so much! But I like the story; the two characters are interesting. =D Maranwe Telrunya
hired 2006-05-13 ch 1,	abuseInteresting. Like the other reviewer said: your writing style is unique. Unfortunately, it seems the story is progressing a wee bit too fast. I suggest you put some little details and subplots, like Jack when he's driving into that deserted town--you should've had him drive around a bit more and maybe go into a café to get directions and whatnot. Just a suggestion--it might help readers finish a chapter with an exasperated gasp. Another thing was the way you ended the chapter. It seemed that you drew me in, but I mean, I was expecting something big--as if Jack were to kill Tim and drive off as some lunatic out for revenge for that prank you mentioned people pulled on him. Like I stated earlier, just a suggestion. I am enjoying this enormously, and hopefully you will update imminently. -HOAG
MSTK 2006-04-23 ch 1,	abuseThe intro is a bit slow, but there is some mystery that draws me in. I love your writing style - it's pretty good compared to what else is on this site. It's driving, even though the plot is laid-back, so far.The dialoge seems natural, but your speech tags are a bit awkward. For example: "“I’m a mite tired. You think you could drive a spell? Do you have your license?” Jack nodded." It sounds like Jack is talking. This happens some other times in your first chapter, as well.Overall, I like the ambience and mood that you set. I look forward to reading more.

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