Reviews for The Black Cross - FictionPress.com

Aetis
2006-04-28
ch 1,

abuseFairly interesting. I like the two boy’s names being anagrams, and you put a decent twist at the end.

However, you could definitely work on this story and refine it some. You repeat yourself a few times. Also, I think this story is too short for you to foreshadow Dolan’s identity, at least as blatantly as you did. Your grammar is pretty good, but I saw a few cliches. Your word choice is decent, but not spectacular.

Probably the part that tweaked me the most was when Dolan listed his powers. I don’t think that it’s necessary, and, personally, I’d trash it, or at least shorten it considerably. What Dolan and Karina can do is fairly insignificant in the actual course of the story. I’d have him focus more on them “being together forever” and whatnot.

I also thought the fight with Aldon could have been a little more interesting / descriptive.

Whatever the case, it’s not my story. What you choose to do with it is none of my business.

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